Dear Diary – Chapter 1
13/03-2010 23:39
Dear diary!
I am not good at these things. Hello there, hi! Smile and wave, look smug and sneak away with book under arm. Oh well.
Introduction first:
Hello there, diary. I bought you because I have a lot on my heard that I feel that I cannot share with other people. Don't worry, glittery book of secrets, I do not want to kill anyone! 
It is nothing like that. It is something I am afraid that will make people judge me without knowing me. But, as I said! Introductions! I am 14 years old. I am Danish. Yes, why am I writing in English to you? Because it is a great way to learn a language. I am pretty formidable at the grand language of English..ing - but it doesn't hurt to keep it up. Maybe I will write in Spanish to you, when I start in the gymnasium or whatever I decide to go to? Also. I am a girl. I am quite ordinary, really. I quite like myself, for who I am - open minded, a present to the generation as my parents tell me. I got brownish hair, kind of bordering a bit on the red side. It's a bit long but doesn't go further down than my shoulders and I usually fluff it up to make it a bit interesting looking. What else to write about.. I like school, like so few now a days. They do not like to learn, I tell you - they just want the social aspects of the school, which I really can't blame them. I do fairly well on my tests.
I have a rumbling thought in the back of my head. How much should I share to my diary? I read somewhere that you shouldn't write down anything you are afraid will come back and haunt you, if someone figured it out or redefine who you are when you are dead. But if I can't be sincere to my diary, then who can I be to? I have just decided to be 100 percent truthful to you, dear diary. Oh, glittery. I suppose the first chapter in any book is good for introductions. I have introduced me. My name is not important, but it is a great name, one I will never depart of!
My (closest) friends!:
Susan - My best friend since I started in school. We have been through a lot of things as giggling girls. She is my girl in arms, you could say - together we make a lot of trouble, without it being proper trouble. She is blonde, does not care very much about school - usually just texts with the boys on her mobile phone (Do you really say cellphone in English?). She shares a bit too much information with me about them, apparently she have kissed at least 10 guys! But who am I to gossip to a diary. She is my friend for life, though. I suppose I am the good side and she is the bad side, the yin to your yang and all that funny stuff. I call her Sus and I am the only one who is allowed to do that, she says. Others she will beat. She is too small to beat anyone but there you go.
Malene - Kind of an outsider girl, if you can be allowed to say that. Very quiet, but we brought her into our clique. She got such a great smile, when she finally moves that immovable mouth of hers. She is a closed book, but it feels great when she starts talking. I know she likes to hang out with us, because she comes around without us asking. I like having her there, she is kind of a calm object in the mist of chaos, you know? She got brown hair, like it matters. She is a bit tall and a bit chubby, but she looks great even though of that. I've seen the guys glare a bit at her, maybe because she is developing fast but also because she is such a mystery! She is very quiet in class but does all her homework. She knows a lot of stuff, as well! Come to think of it, I have never been in her house. I don't know a lot about her, at all and I have known her since kindergarten. Is that a bad thing?
These are the most important girls in my life at the moment. I will explain more, if they come into it! But it's saturday and nothing is going on! Might as well go to bed. Night, diary.
My 7 Tips to Life
It is really easy to tell others how to live their lives, so that is what I am going to do. These are essential guidelines that have helped me throughout my life and hopefully will make you feel better and more accomplished about yourself and your life.
ONE
Develop your own identity. There is nothing more uninteresting than talking to a person, who is an exact replica of the current fashion going around. You will seem shallow and just plain out boring. Believe it or not, but it is really easy to develop your own identity. Just be yourself and do what YOU feel is comfortable. Do not say or do anything you do not wish to. Wear clothes you want to wear and not what everyone else want you to. Eventually, you will become a more rounded person, with personality! If you are still at a loss how to do this, then I will suggest a few things:
- Listen to some different kind of music, than you normally would. Believe it or not, but a lot of people take music for granted and just listen to what is on the radio and what is cool and hip. Music is very important, mainly because it can shape you as a person but also because it can really get to you, both emotionally but also as a motivational factor. I write while listening to music, I enjoy listening to. Words just come easier that way. Change the channel from MTV to another music channel that specializes in alternative music, maybe check out all the free internet radios online or go to a concert with an unknown band down at the local bar or cafe, ask a close friend to a music talk. You might be surprised, just how much music suddenly means to you and how much it changed your view on life. Music is truly a lifestyle.
- Go down to the local library. Yes, they do exist. Go to the craft/hobby section and just scan it through. Anything you find interesting, you pick up and read a bit in it. If it sounds absolutely fantastic, then lend it or read it while at the library. Start doing these hobbies, which will occupy both your time and your mind, plus it makes you more confident in yourself and your skills.
- The most important bit is very simple, but very hard to follow: Be yourself. I know I described it earlier, but it is really the most important bit about finding yourself. If you truly need more clarification than that, I will give a few examples. The group of friends you usually hang around with wants to go to McDonalds to eat. You tell them, that you rather feel like having sandwiches at Subway or maybe want to be more classy and go to a café. Congratulations, you just uttered your opinion and you became just a bit closer to being a more refined person. Amazing. Never be afraid of saying YOUR opinion. You will feel a lot more comfortable saying that, than having to constantly think about what THEY want to hear you say.
TWO
Do not overuse heavy words like "love". Love is a big word that, for a lot of people, causes a huge emotional reaction. It is also a word that has caused a lot of conflicts, ended friendships, relationships and a lot of misunderstanding. Why? Because it is often used in a wrong context or understood in a completely different way. Not many people understand what exactly it implies, means or the word's intention in the current situation, too. Let's whip out good old Wikipedia to explain the sentimentals of it:
Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.
My personal opinion is that, you should never really use "love" to or for a person until you are absolutely positive that you have such an emotional attachment and feeling towards them. It is perfectly fine to say you love a certain kind of food, item or other things, however. A lot of other words are also implied in this.
THREE
Keep a box for your memories. I do not mean literally, just the objects that give you memories, good or bad. Nothing is so bad that it is not good for something. Believe it or not, but your memories will often shape who you are, so you should truly embrace them instead of trying to forget or ignore them. Putting them in a box means that you have moved past it and can now continue on with your life. As an example, my box contains cards from my ex-girlfriend as well as some items from my father, who has passed away. There is no point letting such objects and items get to you in your normal day.
FOUR
Take chances. There is nothing worse than looking back at "what could have been", if you had just taken that chance or done something differently. This advice is also an extension of the first one, as you should always do something you want to do, not what others wants to. Obviously, taking a chance can have a risk or consequences but, personally, I believe it is better to have taken a chance, as it gives you a sort of a feeling of accomplishment. Beware, certain chances should not be taken - so it is up to your own judgement. Quotes are always amazing:
"Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure."
FIVE
Tell people what you feel, before it's too late. I do not mean to be a mood killer, but there is nothing worse than having a lot on your chest you want to tell someone, and suddenly he/she is gone. Maybe passed away, moved away or generally just disappeared out of your life. You will suddenly sit there with a lot of unsaid things, that might have patched up a strained relationship, created another type of friendship/relationship or set them in their rightful place. If you are not comfortable doing this in person, then write it to them. Maybe your feelings are also easier to write down on paper.
SIX
Exercise. No matter how stupid it sounds, you will always feel better after having exercised. It's about chemicals your brain releases, so you cannot really supplement it. The most important thing is to find a motivation for you to exercise or maybe just find something, you enjoy doing. Motivational factors are many and they are sometimes hard to come by, but they are often what will keep you going, when the couch looks sexier than the bike or the running shoes. Motivation can be that maybe you just want to look more fit, maybe you want to impress someone, challenge yourself, be healthy or other things. To find the sport is as easy as looking at yourself. If you are really competitive person, join up for some team-based game where you play in a league. Hate teams? Go to table tennis, tennis, badminton among other things. Like being by yourself? Grab a MP3 player and just run/bike out into the nature. Like structured exercise? Join the local fitness center and make yourself a program. You do not need to have a goal for exercising, as it - in itself - gives you an amazing feeling - but some people will feel an ever greater accomplishment. Set a goal if you need to, but just enjoy the journey there, else you will not feel like continuing.
SEVEN
Keep a tidy life. A lot of frustration and concentration issues can often be traced back to how you live. Look around you at your home/room/desk. Is there trash, unsorted papers? Does it look unorganized and is it just killing you? Would you feel comfortable letting a close friend in, while it looked like this? It does not take a long time to clean up and make a place look great, plus it takes minimal effort to keep everything clean, as long as you take your time with things and not just throw them away from you at the closest, most convenient place. When everything is sorted, you will feel great and have room, both in your thoughts, but also in your home. Then you can start sorting out everything. Make use of post-its, to-do lists and calendars in order to organize yourself further. Believe me, when you have done this, you can start thinking about what really matters. Remember to do, what you write down on your to-do list. Reduce distractions, especially if you plan on being productive and creative. I know it is great to have something "going" in the background while you do your work, homework or other important things, but it is a huge distraction, if there is a visual aspect to it - so turn off that TV, among other things. Put on some music, preferably something you want to listen to (So turn off the radio) and just let it flow. If you are one to get sucked into the lyrics, then go for something instrumental instead. With all of this, you will find that your thoughts flow a lot better.
I have more I want to write, but it will just be an endless list. Take it, for what it is. Hopefully it will make you think a bit and maybe help you out, in your life.
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Without a Purpose – “futureless”
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t."
Such are the lyrics to Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). I have often taken refuge in this text because I, quite frankly, do not know what I want to do with my life. I know what I enjoy; but I also know that, what I enjoy, I cannot build a career on, without being extremely skilled, extremely charismatic or get a once-in-a-lifetime job. When I share this to people, I am often surprised to hear that they don't enjoy their jobs or education either, but that they just suck it up. How can they do this? I don't understand how you can tolerate going to a job/education you hate, for many the rest of your life. People sure are doing their very best at breaking down - which kinds of shows a backwards culture. None of them never seem to have thought "Why should I do something I do not enjoy?" and just go on with their lives in misery, where the only reward for being bored and/or stressed out happens in the weekends. I enjoy educating myself, writing, general escape-from-realism things, such as gaming, reading, watching series and movies. I also found myself to be a very social person, which is quite ironic, since I am very shy. How can anyone get an career out of this?
I am a simple man. I enjoy simple things, so I do not find myself difficult. I am not making unrealistic demands to life - I am just attempting to get out of this "futureless" state I am stuck in. "What kind of funny word was that, young man?!" That word was used by someone very dear to me, who doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with such a person, so it has been grudging me a bit more, than it normally would. I am sure it is just a criteria for an ideal man, but I kind of want to increase my chance and not reduce it. How silly does that sound.
I, more often than I should, think about the future. I have some ideas of what I want, but nothing that can really end in a career I'd enjoy. I like studying, educating myself. Becoming smarter. I also enjoy writing, which means I am quite fond of languages, journalism and other things. But if I went into the university to study English, I would very much doubt there'd be a job for me. I even have no idea, what kind of job someone like that would be able to get. Besides that, I truly want to see the world and I love helping people, so maybe just volunteering in certain international programs, but as far as I can understand, there are an overflood of people who want to help out and "see the world" plus I apparently have to pay for most of it myself, which I don't have the money for. That leaves out just traveling with myself or perhaps a friend, but that also costs some big green dollar bills I currently do not possess.
"But what about your current educations?!". Yeah, sure. I got a HHX (Higher Business Education) as well as an IT-supporter I just completed. The first one, I felt, was a waste of time. I do not want to be anything inside of sales or marketing, despite how much it pays. I will not enjoy it and I will begin to hate customers (as I started to do in my previous job), which is entirely not their fault but just the circumstances that makes me an angry t-rex. The IT-supporter was meant as a foundation, a safe-keep you could say. That was before I am in the situation I am in, now. Back then, I kind of knew I'd want to educate myself more, but because I had a girlfriend who also wanted to do it, it would have been smartest for me to get a job with my IT-supporter education, so she could get started on enjoying her own life. Alas, I no longer need to think about that. Now I got the education but due to the work situation here in Denmark, I am having huge difficulties getting a job.
Yet Another Adventure – Advice on Engine
YAA is still going strong in my head and I want it to become reality at some point. I am, however, having issues settling on an engine. At first I wanted it to be NWN 2, but I don't really like the way they did the HUD and certain things in that game. Then I thought about Dragon Age, but the gameplay in that is utterly disgusting, if simple. It would leave a lot of room for optimizing the story instead of making sure there are a variation depending on classes, alignment - but the gameplay.. it just makes me shudder.
So, any of you guys got a decent idea for a game/engine where I don't have to make a lot of content (i.e. models) and is fairly up to date?
Another Status Update
I can't exactly remember what I wrote last time I made one of these, but I have always had a habit of not rereading anything I write. This have always bitten me in my ass, but I just can't get myself to start doing it so, what I say now might be a repeat.
I am now without a job and I am still trying to figure out how to tell the government I am searching for new jobs, how to tell my worker's union that I am unemployed, so I can get some money and not be completely broke (Yay, Denmark - if you are curious, wikipedia it). But, I am taking this as an opportunity for a reboot of my life (As I also don't have a girlfriend or an apartment anymore). I am currently applying all over the country and have told myself, that I will move for whatever job I find. It can be risky, but I don't really have anything to loose other than money and I am sure it will be an experience for me. Should bring in new opportunities, new friends and a new sensation of achievement and accomplishment.
Besides that, I am just settling my private life. I am now at the bottom, with a healthy reserve of friends, some of them amazing and actually want to spend time with me (GASP!) as well as some older friends, I have regained contact with - thankfully for the better. I have an interest in someone special, but I shall just leave it at that - as a fleeting comment because I don't want to put much into it, if there is nothing there. I am trying to keep myself from going into a rut while being out of work - I have therefore scheduled a "busy" day, getting up at specific times, exercising, applying for jobs, writing (or being creative) and then just me-time. But being available pretty much 24/7 during the days should make for some quality time with friends and more - a friend of mine have even invited me around - which will be fun, I am sure.
I am currently having a few projects I haven't started on. One of them kind of requires a good mental stability, which I do have at the moment - but stay tuned for it. I hope you will like it. I am still, actively, writing on Robert as well as some personal stories that most likely won't be released here. My danish story is on hold, because I do not feel there is an audience for it - but I might rewrite it. It would be awesome, to get a book deal here in Denmark, though. Maybe if I get the concentration, motivation and more to get that moving.
I suppose that is it for now.
When Is It Enough?
How personal can you get on your own blog? So personal that you fear for the consequences of what you say?
Blog Update
Just prettied up the blog a bit. New theme, removed the ads on the side and put them inside each post (as a small banner), added disqus comment system and more! I feel pretty happy about how it turned out. Hope you will, too.