Creative Outlet - a blog full of stories and personal musings

8Sep/141

The Small Things

When we look outside, the first thing we notice is the weather and depending on what kind of an idea you have regarding the smaller things, you will either hate it, like it or be indifferent about it.

My mother used to say that there is no such things as bad weather, just inappropiate clothing. You don't really think much about it, when you are running around on the football field, soaked to the bone and just wishing for a brief stop in the rain. But, "Oh, I can't wait until I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff" hits you and then you, like me, stare out the window like you are witnessing an adventure first hand.

Summer, autumn, winter, spring - they are all gorgeous to me, in their own small ways.

Summer, the warmth against your skin, the smell of freshly cut grass and barbecues.

Autumn, the crunch of the leaves, the beautiful colours, the refreshing rain, the gorgeous skies as cold and warmth hit.

Winter, the white snow, the warmth emininating from every house, the holidays.

Spring, beautiful colours all around.

I loved it all, even before I had someone to share it with. A good walk, while sniffing in all the distinct smells of the world, will always give just another memory to cling on to when the times are dark. I have always thought of myself of a simple man who enjoy the smaller things, who can find a smile just from standing in a puddle.

It felt silly, but when you didn't have a lot to feel happy about, you just go to the nearest and smallest victory, be it a gorgeous day or an unexpected smile.

Eventually, I would meet you. Some say a relationship is just a huge block in your wake, something to constantly think about it, for better and for worse.

I did not feel that way. You fit into my life snugly. You were suddenly part of my landscape, as I look across it from the window. And, boy, I dare say every landscape made you even more beautiful. And you felt the same way. Standing next to each other, just sniffing in, looking far, looking close and eventually turn to each other and smile. Smile because we have all this and we had each other. I could look at the prettiest flower, sniff it and then turn to you and the smile would turn to a grin, to red cheeks and your smell. You complimented everything beautiful in the world. It was great. It became perfect and suddenly there felt like there was a point to it all, other than just cheer me up when I am low. Scanning the landscape and when my eyes met yours, my heart lept.

Sharing the world with someone you really care about is something exceptional. It cannot be described but just having the mere presence of that someone right there, makes it the more important. It becomes an even better memory, because you know you'd never have the words to describe what you are seeing, but here you are.. seeing it with me with the same stupid grin I have on, when I behold beauty.

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31Dec/130

Happy New Year’s Eve!

The year of 2013 gave me a new job I really like, car and, finally, a new apartment. Life is slowly stabilizing itself and I can start to focus on what's fun and kick away what isn't.

Keeping up with friends isn't as easy as it ought to be, Facebook is essentially just a "friendbook", where you can see who you have as friends but updates are rare or just contain terrible shared statuses or pictures. I want to hear about your life. I honestly hope that this is something that can be changed in 2014. I know that not a lot happens in my life, but I at least would love to share it with friends.

Here's to 2014, may it be filled with travels, great experiences, fun and amazing times. Oh, and fuck NSA and spying on your citizen.

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25Dec/130

Not the Same

I must admit, when I met her, I thought she was a bit too energetic. Thousands of projects constantly, not much time to much and you'd almost have to schedule to get just an hour of her time. Maybe that was also what dragged me to her, that impassible mountain that needed to be conquered. I hate to think of it like that, but while the hunt was a chore, the price was worth the entirety of the world to me.

I finally caught her, somehow made her realize that she couldn't live without me. It went fast, I felt like I was a project of hers and it felt amazing. Suddenly, five years had gone by and we were still having as much fun. Every day was like the first date with your best friend you know everything about. Her company was so fun, despite not really doing anything. Just sitting, watching TV, reading, chatting was so exciting, so interesting. I went on a business trip and 14 days away from her, made me realize I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl so I went home, got on one knee and then we got married. She had some tricks up her sleeve because she grew more beautiful to me every day, more exciting and thrilling by the hour. 5 years went past, we had seen the world together and nothing had changed. It was amazing, she still went into her little own world with her projects but proudly showed it to me when done. Sometimes she would be "gone" for days, just spending time around her little thing and emerging succesfully, every time, with something that she can sell somehow. Right after, I would be her project for a good 14 days until she found or started researching something else. It amazed me and I did not mind it one bit. Just seeing her work was exciting.

I often thought she might be different than others, she was a logical thinker and said what came to mind. So did I, communication was top notch at our place and I never raised my voice to her at any time in my life. So easy going, so easy to please, smiling at the small things in life, like I did. She was a normal, healthy person with a great interest in her hobbies and her work. Inventor, entrepreneur, wife. We had briefly discussed having kids but neither of us really felt the desire for it so it just slid away.

Nothing had changed, until one day. I have thought it over so much, tried to pick everything apart but nothing comes to mind. I just felt her change, just like that. Like the earth had moved beneath me. It might just be me making up stuff, believe me, I have thought of that.

She became completely disinterested. Not like she completely changed personality, I could still see her down there. The responses were right, it was just the way she acted upon them that was wrong. She still did everything like normal, burying herself in projects, taking care of me, but it was all changed. Somehow changed. It wasn't just a mood either, it was a constant thing. Communication became hard, there was no possibility for much back and forth. It was just question, answer, question, answer. No life, no essence, no personality. I thought she was growing tired of me, growing tired of me silly nonsense, my stupid quesitons, my innuendo filled speech, my rude jokes. I asked her. I asked her many times if anything was wrong. Everything was alright, though. She couldn't complain about anything. Why was I asking? Maybe she hadn't noticed her own change either. Maybe everything was OK and I was just imagining things. Maybe something was wrong with me.

I tried to go through the days, acting normal, doing what I would normally do. It was testing my sanity. I swore that something had changed, but all I could do was sit and look at it, mouth open, no one to ask about advice or if something had changed. Nothing had changed, according to her, but it was all wrong. She was all wrong.

I became obsessed with finding the right question to this problem. I felt that she would want to tell me, but she just didn't know how to. I obsessively looked for that question to end all of this, so I can get out of this madness that is slowly starting in my brain. I wish I could have said it was just a gradual change, but it was immediate. Like she jumped from platform a to platform b. She was an open book, answering anything as she would normally but she wasn't the girl I had fallen in love with anymore, she wasn't the girl I wanted to live the rest of my life with. This person in her place had taken her away from me, I was sure of it. I had lost that which I held most dear and I do not know how to get it back, even though it was right there, in front of me. Not finding the right question, though, I tried to distance myself and just live, ignore it, focus on the next day. Every now and then, I would try looking for the question, the question to open up a series of other questions. It became so bad I began to write down what I had tried.

But then, she killed herself.

Her suicide note didn't say anything else but "I'm sorry". It was such a kick in the stomach, to lose your last means to get back what you wanted the most in the entire world. I looked at that suicide note for days, trying to figure out what, why, when, how. It was a simple piece of paper, her loving, caring typography scrawling out those two words. There were no hidden messages to it. Nothing. My wife was gone.

Feverishly, manically, I started searching for clues. Took out everything, every shelf, every drawer, everything was examined 3 times, looking for everything, anything. All her projects, her patents, her documentation, everything was turned. I saw hidden messages everywhere, but none that made sense. I started looking for meanings in old memories, which made me bawl my eyes out.

All I found was the wallpaper on her computer. The picture was last modified a few hours before her death.

A picture of both of us, holding hands. She had, patiently, professionally, painted a heart around us and written, "I love you".

Why did she have to change.

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10Aug/130

Always Grey and Raining

Yet another playdate with my kid and Louise’s. They appear to always have fun together, two girls giggling like mad, playing with their dolls and showing us all their new haircuts or hairstyles they could conjure up. I usually am able to let myself go into their world, smile at their leisure, for their pleasure, play with them and tell them terrible jokes but I always am so distant from it. My natural talent, perhaps. As usual with Louise, I tended to make as many obviously “innocent” and accidental touches, mostly brushes up against her bum as she bends over to pick something up. I know it drives her wild and she starts sending me this wink that just says “just you wait”. It should excite me, it does excite me but it’s all so hollow.  I take her roughly, without rubber - she prefers it like that and I honestly don’t mind -- or care - in the bathroom or kitchen during the kids’ naptime.

I always feel so distant to her when I do it, but her loud yelps and screams pulls me back but I don’t focus on what I’m doing, rather what she is. She’s.. or was a pretty girl. She let herself go when she had her kid. Set everything of life on standby and lived through her kid. I noticed that she always gussied herself up a bit when I arrive. We can never smalltalk, because all she can talk about is her kid. It saddened me and somewhat sickened me. I’ve tried to get into her, know her story, what did she like to do before her boyfriend knocked her up. She usually starts, with a glint in her eye, a smile on her lips but then stares out the window and changes the subject. Her facebook is all about her kid as well. She doesn't care about me, never asks about me and just asks out of politeness. I think that she only wants me because I am fairly good looking.

She always applauds me for my stamina, but my mind is usually so far gone, but yet I’ve always been so handsy that she never have suspected a thing. I know when she cums because her nails dig into my back and when she can feel I am about to, she wants me to pull out and get it all over her face.

Afterwards, when the playdate is over, she’ll text me. It never fails. Usually something vague and indirect such as “Thank you for today. Next week? :)”. I never respond. I imagine she is staring at her phone until she can’t take it anymore and writes back if something is wrong. That never fails either. I respond then, shrugging it off that my kid threw up or that we had to rush somewhere. She tries to write afterwards, but I know her boyfriend comes home soon after so she can’t get away with asking much.

It’s always also grey when I come out. Always grey and raining. Like some terrible metaphor for everything.

Home, it’s always the same. Girlfriend comes home, talks all about her day and asks none of mine. It’s as if my day didn’t exist and I have started to believe her. Always talking while I make food and I must support her, else she’ll stop talking and not talk for the rest of the day. When she runs out of things to say, she’ll go see our kid and play a bit with her. Never more than 10 minutes though, then she’s on the sofa watching whatever is on or finding a reality show. When food is ready, she’ll eat fast while I help the kid and she’ll dive back on the couch and fall asleep. Kid never asks for her mother, only me. I’ve made up a story for her, that we keep adding to.

It’s my world away from this shit life.

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21May/130

Regrets

If there is one thing I regret, it's losing her friendship.

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11Oct/126

Corruption of A Damaged Man

Sometimes you sit down and reflect upon your life and how I am standing right now, with a .. sane enough mind is beyond me.

Let's start from the beginning, I was tossed into what can only be described as dysfunctional family. Dad was an alcoholic, who was barely home, except to sleep, yell, hit my mother and spank us kids. I know it sounds like a big fat cliché from just about any period movie. Mother whored herself out to anyone who'd pay and didn't care about her countless bruises. Most of the money went to giving us clothes and food. She was loving, however, gave us all her attention, when she wasn't staring blankly into space, tears rolling down her face. I had a sister and a brother. Both were older than me, by 5 and 7 years, respectively. I rarely talked to them, as they did their very best at being as far away from home as possible. Thinking back, it was probably the best thing one could do in such a situation.

My position in the home was that I was asked to do something and then I did it. I was a pushover at school and my teachers commented that I was distant and unavailable. The first time my dad heard this, I had a ringing headache for weeks afterwards and I did my best to be available and be the best student I could for him. My mother mainly used me for chores, when she was unable to, mostly when she couldn't stop crying or was completely exhausted. I ignored her cries and, probably, saw themselves as a sort of weakness. None in this household showed any sort of emotion, other than my mother who also did her best to hide it.  On the outside, it probably looked like everything was okay. We were bathed, we had food in our stomachs, reasonably new clothes but there were absolutely no family life what so ever. At Christmas  we'd get one gift from our mother and those Christmases were probably the times where she was the most happy.

At around age 10, it got even worse. Who'd have known, it could actually get worse. If I remember correctly, days were normally a haze. I had no one to play with, afternoons were spent doing homework or helping out at home. There were no friends and the only joy I seemed to have was when my mother wasn't crying. Dad brought home a friend, who introduces himself as uncle Bob. Ever the gentleman, "uncle" Bob said, dad said he could stay around here. My sister was 17 at this point and had, pretty much, moved out. My dad never noticed but my mother was happy for her and, sometimes, visited her at her new place. When she came home, her spirit was usually lifted. Uncle Bob took over her room, which was just a bed and a desk. Just like my dad, he constantly smelt like alcohol, but unlike my dad, he was more home.

I noticed he made a lot of moves on my mother, who she fought off with strength I've never seen before. I remember thinking he'd hit her now but it never came to be. Uncle Bob might as well have been a gentler version of my dad.

One day I woke up to him standing in the doorway. All I could see was his silhouette but he slowly moved into my room, obviously drunk. I'd imagined my dad was passed out in the living room and my mother had shaken off his advances. He came to my bed and attempted to get into it, hussing at me. I moved over, scared but feeling indifferent. I had no idea what was coming. I did as he asked and suddenly my head was in my pillow, turned towards the open door. He was big, I remember - so it hurt a lot. Suddenly, I saw my mother's silhouette in the door. She looked for a second, then ran down to her room. I heard the shot, but uncle Bob didn't stop. I felt nothing.

After the police had been here, the social workers arrived. They introduced themselves, but I do not remember their name. They were here to hear how I was doing in the middle of all this. I had refrained from saying anything to the police other than that I had heard the shot. I didn't know why, maybe because uncle Bob was there. They took me with them and asked all the questions I somewhat expected. I told them everything. About how my dad hits us, siblings moving out, my mother. But I didn't tell them about uncle Bob. I didn't tell them about what dad becomes when he stops taking his medicine. I didn't tell them about uncle Bob.

Filed under: Short Stories 6 Comments
10Oct/123

Road to Getting Happy

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, it's annoying just being moderately okay. Now I'm just going to go at it with a structured approach.

How to get happy:

  • I want to travel
    • Requires:
      • Money - I have an income of some, so depending on length of trip, I could go within a month
      • Someone to travel with - I want to travel with friends, but fuck - either I have the wrong type of friends or there is something wrong with me so people don't want to travel with me. Or maybe I'm just not being enough upfront about it
        • Solutions:
          • Travel alone - I'm still quite shy and can't just approach people so it'd be for just looking at touristy things and enjoying another country/city. Doable? Definitely, but I think it'll take some serious lack of response from my friends before I can consider this. Maybe it's just about trying it and see if it's me. It's just a weekish of my time and some money and I'd learnt something about myself.
          • Get different friends/more friends/be more upfront and sincere about travelling with someone. Different/more friends is usually only possible when having something in common. To have something in common, I'd have to go out of my way to do certain things, such as organized sports or other similar things. I've already decided to do this when I am more fit. It can also come with a job, see elsewhere in this post. Be more upfront can be to not only put it on Facebook but also ask people upfront, but the fact of the matter is that the closest of my friends don't want to.
          • Travel to visit friends. I am already doing this, but many of my online friends live across huge oceans, which makes it a very costly affair as well as one that have to be planned quite well in order to make the most out of it.

 

  • I want to do things while socializing with my friends
    • Requires:
      • Friends who want to do something - None I know are as impulsive as me, so everything seems to have to be planned. The fact of the matter, though, is that not many of my friends want to move outside of their comfort zone or do something new or different. Going to a restaurant or the cinema requires a lot of factors and it fucking sucks that it's pretty much impossible to get anyone to do it. This is, however, from gouging interest on Facebook. Next time I'd try texting people. When they do go out, it's to get drunk and be in places with loud music where socializing IS impossible, unless you have your physical appearance speaking for you.
        • Solutions:
          • Get different friends/more friends/be more upfront - see above.
          • Do things alone - see above. Many people consider eating in a restaurant or going to the cinema declaring "social bankruptcy". Apparently I still do care what people think.

 

  • I want to write stories and generally create
    • Requires:
      • Motivation - There are times where I just want to sit down and write, but actually doing it takes so much effort it's intense. Why I have no idea, but it certainly requires the right mindset and, since I am a perfectionist, just a few sentences that sound wrong in my head, I'd ditch it.
        • Solutions:
          • Get a job or feel needed somehow. Motivation comes from self-worth and self-worth comes from feeling you are worth something. Not having a job, girlfriend or friends who seem to care for you can remove any of this. I do my best to keep myself on top, but certain actions or lack there of have a tendency to bring my carefully crafted house of cards tumbling down
          • Ask friends to request stories. I'm a people pleaser and there is nothing I love more than to actually write FOR someone.

Anyone out there who have some solid advice?

Filed under: Personal 3 Comments
16Sep/120

He Films the Clouds

Inspired by this track: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMKSbkISis8

He films the clouds. Some might find this odd or otherwise pointless. Some will shun him from thinking it is art, others will find other ways to ridicule this man, who'd much rather film the nature than do something productive with his time. None ever took the time to stop and reflect upon what he was doing, no one took the time to just look upwards. Upwards to clouds and the sky beyond them. Upwards to the stars currently unable to be seen through the marvel that is the sun. Upwards and towards the planets that move across the sky, out towards galaxies, the universe, the infinity that is beyond.

It wasn't until I stood behind him, eyeing him as he was filming. He said just a sentence to me, with a quirky smile "Experience the endlessness". I leaned back, my mind disappeared and I was floating in space, enjoying the beauty of the universe, realizing that I am just the smallest amount of dust in an ever expanding universe.

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6Sep/120

At the End of my Robe – Where to Go?

Ah yes. Unemployment. I told myself I'd be quickly in a new job. Or rather, I told myself that I will be working, hopefully in my own company but alas, things never go the way I want them to. Never. I can't remember once where something actually worked out for me. I might be cynical. In fact, I know I am - since I am writing this in a terrible mood. Okay, the things that do go well, rarely last very long.

So, what's wrong now? Let's start somewhere; jobs. I don't want to be stuck in a job I hate, so I'm quite picky when it comes to job so I start looking.. except, there is essentially nothing and the ones there are, wait for it, expect a huge amount of experience or to be experienced in some odd system. I apply anyway, but it's really enough to kill any mood or hope for quickly coming into a new job.

And to just kill it all, I lack any kind of motivation and energy. I just wake up, sit and watch shows or go on reddit. Sometimes I can get myself to do something else, like cleaning or playing a game. I don't want to sleep, because - what the hell is the point. But when I sleep, I just want to keep sleeping. Yes, I know - this is essentially what depression is but I am really trying my best to get out of it. They say to do something you really burn for, but what is there? I like making website, so I've made a few but received no feedback/help from friends. I like writing, but it's hard to do with no motivation and, again, rarely any feedback/help from friends. I like playing, which puts me out of the funk for awhile but then I just get back into it when I quit. I could socialize but I feel as if I just hate people more when in this state and I don't want to do something I don't feel like and the stuff I do feel like, I can't get any people in on.

I just don't know any more.

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24Jun/120

Drupal 7: Making an “advanced” event with Ubercart

I had a very specific site I had to built for a client, one that seems to never have been done before, what from me googling myself to death and asking on drupal.org.

Essentially, what they wanted was a system where members can buy a ticket + opt in or out of eating, getting t-shirts and what have you. You'd think this was fairly straightforward, but I found that it was, in the end, quite difficult. I'd tried several approaches and all of them just seemed to fall short.

What they wanted:

  • Ticket selling with extra products, such as eating, t-shirts (So must make use of attributes)
  • A way to pull out a "list" containing what everyone bought (This could not be done with Signup, as they wanted the possibility to come with several guests if they chose)
  • A way to gather additional information, such as what kind of accomendation people required (again, just attributes - webform would have been amazing at this point. I might try and do it again with webform to see if it is possible at all, but at the time I was doing this, the ubercart integration was very basic and not easy to use as a not so tech-savvy person)
  • Full calendar system (basic stuff)
  • blahblah

This is not meant as a huge tutorial, but rather just to write out how it can be done. If necessary, I could do a step by step tutorial.

What I did was to create a new content type as well as a new product type. I called these "Events" and "Event Products". I set up the event content type with the usual stuff, such as date, description and image. Event Products I just left alone as we didn't need anything except perhaps some attributes later on.

Using Views, I made a table consisting of the event product type with the possibility to add to cart. I then attached this to the content type through Viewfield, a module that let's you attach a specific view. As I wanted to make this site as easy as possible to use, I set it to give a default value. You can expand on this with taxonomy categories and contexual filter if necessary.

To pull out the list, I set up yet another table, using the "ordered products" field as well as grouping, so the entire order and orderer only shows up once.

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