Creative Outlet - a blog full of stories and personal musings

26Jan/120

Dear Diary – Chapter 29

Dear diary,

Once again, I have gone a long time with not updating you. I can give you the usual excuses, but it's can really all be summed up to one thing: Life. Life happened, life is happening and life happens. To go more in details; drama, school, fitting in, not getting stepped on. Since last time, I've started in "college", the quotation marks meaning that our school system is different than English school systems. At first, it was exciting and great to get to know new people but the excitement was shortlived. Much like high school, college seems to be about popularity and beauty. There is a constant contest among the more popular and pretty girls and they have somehow managed to include me, which I assume means that I am considered attractive. Not the best way to be told this, but I felt a bit flattered, despite being constantly snarled at for all my "abnormal" movements, such as studying hard, trying to stay on the teacher's good sides and not coming off as, well, a blonde - pardon the term. I use this word because they are blonde and they are acting the very stereotypical way as often portrayed in the media. Sorry about being so freaking posh about my wordings but writing it down that way makes it possible to elaborate a lot more while talking normally. Something I was taught by a teacher.

I suppose I really have to start with the beginning. The tent trip never happened, Malene started dating older guys she found on the internet and I thought at first that it was just for sex, but she became quite serious with this guy, 41 year old. I told her to be careful, but she is head over heels for him -- like she was me at one point. Sigh. I do miss her, but she only shows up for school to not get into any troubles and rarely listens or studies. I have all but given up on her and just keep my mind away from her, which is easier said than done. She's sorely missed or, rather, the Malene I used to know is sorely missed..

Start of the college was eventful, with a lot of parties to get to know each other. A lot of guys hit on me at those parties, probably thinking of establishing a rumor but I had, obviously, my eye out for something else. At that time, though, it was mostly to socialize and make friends - not date. Malene, at these times, were quite.. easy, kissing and being with just about everyone who made advances - which was quite a few, according to her when she shared her tales of the nightlife. I don't blame her, though, as I probably would have done the same thing, if I had a different mindset and was in a room with lusty lesbians. I've been quite.. hungry for sex, but I just enjoyed myself with myself and figured I had my priorities set up properly. Skip forth 5-6 months and jumping over the drama and popularity contests, where I mostly tried to avoid confrontations and provoking the more competitive girls - I felt like I had found a proper place in the class. Not many noticed me, I had friends I chatted with at school and my grades were at the top, due to my hard work. I was content with myself, but wanted to date as well - or be a functioning teenager. One can only feel a bit abnormal when everyone else does something else, but after chats with my parents, most people seem to have a wild first year at college and the rest of the years will be more about school than party and socializing. Don't get me wrong, I go to the parties I am invited to, but looking around at everyone having that much more fun, while you're just having a bit of fun makes you wonder if you are broken or have the wrong mindset.

So, I started looking around on where the hell to start dating girls. Most dating sites are 18+ and even though I have created accounts on them, I can't seem to find anything within my age group, which is obvious as I am too young. I've tried several forums for lesbians but I am just too .. or rather, I feel too awkward to be a part of such a community, as I don't even feel like I have come to terms with it myself. I was afraid that I'd just be someone's "sexual experience", like Malene and I feel like I have already been scared enough with her relationship - so I went in heads first.. with just sex. Nothing else. This next part is kind of embarrassing to write, since it goes against a lot of what I originally thought were my .. morals.

One boring night in November, I was scouring the internet. I honestly can't remember how I stumbled across it, but it was a site with ads, such as selling and buying various goods. Included on this site, was a more .. personal part of it, asking or selling sexual favours. Yes, you heard me right. I was so intrigued by this, most likely because of my self-loathing and horny mood I was in, that I began looking around. While it was mostly men there, I did, however, find a few interesting ads asking for a girl. One peeked my interest, because it was especially asking for young looking girl, which meant I could get away with me being the age I was. And I had to admit I had a thing for older ladies ever since having a fling with that mother. Or rather, I was probably more interested in someone experienced rather than one on my own age who'd probably be too "innocent".

Now, here is the kicker. I contacted her. I didn't hand over a real name or age, but just said I was interesting in fulfilling her fantasy; to be dominated by a young girl. She said she wants to pay 4000 per time. PER TIME. She didn't want this to be a one time thing. And 4000? How often? My brain couldn't comprehend all the information at once, so I hastily said yes and asked about where and how. She had thought about this for a long time, because nothing was left to coincidence. She was also very direct and didn't share any details that wouldn't be about the meeting; who she is, why she is doing this, why we are meeting at her work. Well, she did explain the latter as in that she is the head of a big company, so she has a big office and can't really meet anywhere else.

I felt exhausted, excited and nervous when I put the phone down. We were meeting soon, 2 days afterwards. She said to come as I am, innocent and all - putting emphasis on the innocent. But I couldn't help but wear the best I have, which I usually wear at parties, but didn't want to be too revealing, thinking that'd be innocent - but still a bit provocative. I couldn't help but smirk at the thought of dominating an older woman.

The day arrived, I arrived after changing after school and went into the building. It was a very well known company and I had walked past it many times before. I said I had a meeting with the boss, obviously saying her real name - but I don't want to disclose it here, and the receptionist said I must be the new intern. I coughed a bit but went on with it and was told to just go straight up. She even had her own secretary, who also addressed me as the new intern. I had kind of hoped for a wink from her, knowing that she was in on this, but she played it off professionally, as she called her over the speaker. Her office was huge, with a big desk in the middle, several couches as well as what I can only think is a conference table off to the side. There were papers just about everywhere, but stacked neatly.

Her.. well, as I approached her, I could barely see her, hidden behind a screen and several stacks of paper but she stood up with a smile and winked as she greeted me as the intern. She was.. well, breathtaking. She wore a professional business suit with a skirt, long legs, great hips, her curves were just like they should be and she just looked perfection, with a few wrinkles in her face, blonde hair and a professional attitude surrounding her. You could feel that she is in control of herself and her intelligence almost oozed out into the room from her posture and body language. She had fought her way to be here. Obviously, I didn't think any of this while I was standing there, I was too busy focusing on myself, keeping myself in control, not running for the door and doing the alien thing of dominating. I could count on two hands how many times I've had sex and here I was, about to dominate another woman. She gave me her hand, opened up a drawer and put down 4000 (that is in our valuta) in 100 bills and said the words "I am yours, don't worry - no one can hear us."

It took 20 minutes before I could leave behind all my insecurities and just do it. It took those 20 minutes to get over the sexual frustration left behind by Malene and while I am not 100% comfortable dominating, it felt great having someone do everything you said, sexually. She didn't want pain, nor would I do it but I was a bit mean, ordering her to do things properly, maybe humiliating her a little bit. I came a lot, just from the sheer excitement - but so did she. She had a hairtrigger, which I enjoyed immensely. You could feel the excitement of her finally getting this fantasy out in real life and she enjoyed it wasn't quiet.

It was great. When she said stop, I took the money and saw that there was a note underneath it, asking if this can happen again. I looked at her, panting in the couch and said yes, with a big smile.

I felt great. Until I stepped out of the office. I felt like everyone knew what had happened, that I was, essentially, a whore. I had done my best to fix my hair and make up, but I couldn't help but feel that there was still something, that I smelt or that the secretary had heard her. She, however, merely glanced at me as I went to the elevator.

The feeling disappeared, as I came home and started thinking about it. I felt that I would have done it, even without the money, but I certainly didn't mind having the extra cash nor the prospect of there being another time, as she really turned me on.

2 weeks after the first time, she called me. I was a bit shocked that she knew my number, but realized that I hadn't called with a hidden number in the start and I believe I called her at home at that point. Anyway, she wanted to set up another appointment and told me to get some toys, she said with a seductively kinky voice. I obliged and bought several, intended only for her and once I returned, she felt them all.

It's been 2 times since then, so 4 in total. That's 4000 every time, which meant I had a lot of money saved up, not really knowing what to do with it. I haven't spend much, in fear that someone would ask where I got all that money, but I don't really have the desire to, either. As long as I can manage.

After the last time, though - she -- let's call her Sheila -- said that she had to rethink the entire arrangement. She had been posting me off as an intern, a friend of a friend's daughter who wanted to understand a bit of the executive level of business. This is all well and good, but people started asking why I was only there so rarely and for only so "brief" periods. In my head, it made perfect sense - came after school, left to do homework, but she was one step ahead or at least at a different place completely in her head. She wanted to hire me, so I appeared officially as part of the company rather than an anonymous person coming here and there. Not to do any work, as I still was in college, but mostly as a secretary/personal aid. We both smirked when she said personal aid, but she confirmed that I wouldn't be doing any such things but I might have to come frequently and because I was hired, she wouldn't be able to not paying me either so I would get paid for my time here + the 4000. My mouth was open, but she didn't say any numbers. I said I couldn't accept it - I enjoy doing this but I can't accept such a thing. She shot me down and said we can discuss more next time.

And here I am, dear diary.

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7Nov/11Off

07-11-2011 – Another Personal Update

Alright - an update. No stories this time around as I have been fairly busy.
Life in Ireland have been .. tough, I suppose, on the old noggin'. The pointlessness of work seemed to be so heavy on my shoulders that I had a fast growing feeling of homesickness. It was unbearable on days and I felt that I was very close to just moving back home. There are no new internal positions within my job, so I am stuck in a place that feels more like factory work than actual support. I know that the entire foundation of this place is built up on making every task so easy, that it can easily be done by someone who've only read the work instructions - but that is really not the way an interesting job should be. That's a job for people who don't care about their jobs or don't have an education in this field. These entry level position just feels like slaving for little money and for not much of a purpose. It's quite obvious that the skilled people are shooed away, while the asskissers are getting jobs they never should have had in the first place.

Just today, they confirmed there won't be any open positions before the first quarter of 2012, so right now, I am just taking each day as it comes. This have been surprisingly easy, mainly because I have found a girl. I've never clicked so well with anyone before, so it feels quite amazing. From the start, everything just felt right with this person, no matter what we did. People tell me that I have been smiling all of last week and I can only nod and say, yeah - that's because there is something to smile about. It's only been a week, yet just being with her is enough for me to not be bored. She is very easy to talk to, have an amazingly open mind and we share a lot of opinions and thoughts. Ah, I could talk about her for a long time but it matters little to no one else but me. Long story short, I found someone and she makes me quite happy, thank you. The smile on my lips? Entirely because of her and my homesickness have been swept away.

Ireland have gotten very cold lately, mainly because of a consistent blue sky, and here I thought I was prepared. I even ordered an expensive jacket to wear! But has it arrived yet? Hell no - so I am stuck wearing what can mostly be described as a hoodie and wear gloves, which is kind of rough when it's freezing outside. Dublin, however, is quite beautiful with a blue sky above it. There aren't many tall buildings, so you always feel like you can see the sky, which is great in such a cultural city, which just becomes even more beautiful with a light-blue background. Doesn't necessarily mean that I have been doing anything in the city, however, as I have been *ahem* busy.

I will be heading back towards Denmark on the 10th, for a friend's wedding - so if anyone wants to hook up on the 12th, please holler.

That is all, be seeing you. :)

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28Sep/111

750 Words and Three Words Challenge: Hurt, Relief, Disappointment

She stared at her mobile again. Then put it on the table, looked away for a second, then picked it up again. Battery level was fine, reception was good.. but it might drop, might be better to go outside. She shrugged, sighing to herself and putting it back down. This has been her daily ritual for the last couple of days, her life centred on this fucking phone just because of being uncertain about something. Other than crying, of course - which she have done plenty of. TVs been off for the last 2 weeks, batteries was taken out of the remote and thrown away. She wanted to be cut away from the world as much as possible, just waiting for that call.

She rummaged around in the kitchen, trying to find something worthwhile eating. She wasn't really hungry, but she knew she had to eat. Wait, was that the phone? She stopped rummaging for a minute, listening intently, sighing, then going in to check on the phone. No calls. No texts. No nothing. She went back to the kitchen, found some dry biscuits and ate one with disgust. It felt like she might vomit, just by the mere touch of food to her lips. She had already vomited several times, from nervousness, she told herself.

She had zoned out. She checked the clock. Must have zoned out for a couple of hours. She reached for the phone, still sitting on the table, charger firmly in. Nothing. It was dark outside now. Her head was spinning and she could barely get on her legs and she, for the first time in quite awhile, felt hungry. She contemplated using the phone to call for a pizza, but they might call when the line is busy. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" She yelled. That startled the dog upstairs, which started barking. Angry footsteps ran across the floorboards upstairs. The sign of some life around here made her feel a bit better, a bit more protected. From what? There is nothing worry about, Susan. She looked in the kitchen again, sure she must have some weird food hiding away. Nothing still.

She was racing back and forth. Why did he have to do it? He knows I love him, so why did he need to fucking do this? Why. Fucking why. It's his own fucking fault, I shouldn't be this messed up from his actions, he justified for me countless times! She clenched her fists and felt like smashing everything she had in the apartment but sank down on a chair, all her energy gone, sobbing quietly.

Ever since Susan had heard the news, she had been a mess. She had mailed in sick to work for days now, she wasn't even sure it was the weekend. She just did it automatically, in the morning. She couldn't be around anyone. There had been an attack on her boyfriend's base. The last bit of information she had received from the TV, before she had decided to shut it all off, was that there was still no contact from them. She broke down - simply snapped - when she heard it. She had panicked, hyperventilated and passed out. She had told him countless times not to go. But he felt he owed it to the country, owed it to freedom. How can a girl deny that for selfish reasons without looking like a selfish bitch? You cannot, was Susan's conclusion.

She had tried calling the military on a special number she had received. They usually had more information than the media but they would contact her as soon as they knew anything. They still haven't. She looked at the calendar. 6 days since the attack. She unplugged the phone and fell down in the couch. She felt like she had to get out. Everything here reminded her of him but there was nowhere to go, especially since she wanted to be alone. She felt a vibration in her hand but shrugged it off. She had felt a bit feverish lately and had been twitching uncontrollably. When it didn't stop, she looked at her hand. The phone was vibrating. From an unknown number. Shaking hands, she picked it up, unable to even whimper a greeting or her own name, the words were simply stuck in her throat. "Hi, it's me." was all he said. She broke down in tears and a huge wave of relief flooded over here.

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26Sep/11Off

Disaster – Burning – Taxicab – a short story

This is a short story based on the brainstormer found here. It's not been proofread or revised. Thank you, Mona, for suggesting these words.

It hit me before I felt it. Even though this New York yellow cab was out in the suburbs, it had somehow managed to find the one thing it could crash into without us seeing it coming; the road itself. A massive earthquake had just teared up the entire street, several layers of the concrete was either disappeared or raised. Thankfully for us, we smashed into the latter, instead of falling into the first. The taxi driver.. not so much. As I rushed my wife out the side door, I glanced back at our poor taxi driver, with the regular name of Bob. What a sad end for you, Bob. His face was buried into the steering wheel's airbag but the apparent hanging of his neck meant that there was no helping him.

I fell out, flat on my face onto the tar and kissed it harder than I had any of my girlfriends, including my wife. A real jawbreaker, as it felt like it was sitting in my neck, waiting for the rest of my skull to follow it and then the aftershock came. While trying to get up without scraping my face across the entire road. My wife, however, had other plans. She grabbed my arm, whimpering, and pulled hard to get me out of the car, just as I heard an earshattering WOOSH and I singed just about every hair on my head, including eyebrows. The cab went on fire. No, fire just appeared from out of nowhere. In hindsight, it was most likely the leaking gas tank as well as the very warm summer weather, plus reflections and all that jazz.. not pretty. She dislocated my shoulder as she pulled me away from the firing heap of metal, with my screams barely being audible in the next aftershock. My wife couldn't hold her balance and went on her glorious behind and, thank fuck, gave loose of my arm so I could try my best at not moving it as much as possible. The beforementioned aftershock did not make it so easy.

I pushed myself further away from the car, expecting an explosion and half crawled, half snaked my way to the pavement, onto the cool grass that could get me away from this chaos that my mind could not understand, thankfully. If the adrenaline wasn't pumping, I'd be too aware of my dislocated shoulder, my singed -- and most likely horribly burnt -- face, as well as checking if my mouth wasn't still laying right next to the cab, in what I can only expect is fully engulfed in fire right about now. After what felt like hours, I finally felt the grass on my face, turned around and saw my wife storming in next to me as another loud WOOSH appeared. "Bye, Bob" is all I could muster before I passed out from the way too obvious pain.

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25Aug/111

This is me

That would be me up there. That is how I felt in the last week. My desire to have some sort of structure on both my creativity, at work as well as on my social life is a constant battle against words that are not being said. Mostly by me. I go so often by on assuming the best and then feel my tiny little brick house shatter when my assumptions are wrong, which they mostly are.

It's not a nice feeling to build up on this stupidity of assumptions. How do I get rid of assuming the best? It is pointless assuming anything, especially in social interactions. Am I that attention-deprived that the smallest kind of attention makes me want to suck attention up like a sponge and then feel sad and alienated by people when I don't get more.

That is all.

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19Aug/111

Tablets, Writing, Boring!

Only written on 750words.com 4 times this month. It's really getting stupid at how bad I am at this - I seem to have no willpower, but yet still have that constant desire to write and write and write. So I should sit the fuck down and do it. But, you know how it is. When you get home from work, all you want to do is nothing. It's a never ending circle that can only be broken by growing a pair and get the fuck going. So here it is, I shall now say what the hell is on my mind and enjoy it! Yes, I shall enjoy it immensely.

As you know, I have a site called havoccommunity.net, which I am constantly upgrading on. Now, I had already said that I am perfectly happy with how it is now and that there would only be minimal updates in the future - but then I spotted that someone had finished developing a module I could easily integrate into the side and, maybe, motivate users to contribute. This also sparked another idea I've had, which I have been fiddling with. It, however, meant that I'd have to dig further into code. Code I can easily read but never be able to reproduce unless I have something that is a bit similar that I could rewrite. I've found several pieces of code, rewritten and made sure they worked together but it's like it'll never actually "function". I know it is because of some very fundamental thing - the trick is just finding it, figure out why it is wrong and then correct it. Then it hit me, this is exactly the same way I had it with both German and Spanish. I was excellent at the language, as long as I had something to compare it with or a formula to construct a sentence with. As soon as I have to create something without a ton of help, I'd just freeze up. Anyone know how the hell to get rid of this problem? It essentially feels as if when I go into this territory in my brain, I just float around and have nothing concrete to make something out of. I've always blamed it on the lack of a logic drive in my brain, since I constantly have stories, instead, in my head - but it just seems to be a too convenient "truth". How do I get past this?

I recently bought a tablet, an ASUS Transformer. My excuse was that I needed a new laptop, since I sold my old one, and then I was introduced to this fella. The price is about the same as a good, smallish laptop - especially due to the insanely low price, and I'd be able to remove the screen and use that as a tablet. I felt it was a win-win situation and so far, it has been. It's still very awkward to type on a tablet, but the keyboard dock works just wonders for that. I've started reading books on it, use it for taking notes (I hate my brain, woke up last night with an amazing idea that I just had to write down. Took 10 minutes on that damn tablet touch keyboard and then I couldn't fall asleep again) and generally just play around with it. I can't help but feel that it is a laptop in essence, with the ability of being a tablet, so another OS than Android would fit it a lot better - maybe even ChromeOS. I do have a minor problem with it - the wifi on it seems to be incredibly slow - maxing at 200 kb/s on LAN transfers. I am unsure if this is a router problem, which it just might be since we have a terrible router, or a problem with the tablet itself - but it's not a dealbreaker. Far from it. Heck, it might very well be a problem with the user. What I do find weird with Android on a tablet, is that when you have so much screen real estate, every application have to go full screen mode. I'd imagine it'd be possible to run them in windowed forms instead, which could easily increase productivity on such a device. But Android is still quite young, especially on the tablets, so it might be coming later on. I remain hopeful and I still have to install a game on any of my Android devices. Woo me! Lastword.

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10Aug/110

Personal Update

Here we are again, 22:30 on a Tuesday and I should be asleep and getting ready for tomorrow's workday. But I've slipped into B person territory and left the A person's enemy territory. I feel creative and I'd hate myself if I went to sleep, mostly because I'd just lie there, thinking that I could be doing so much productive shit that needs to be done.

Other than that, I enjoy my job - even if it is a bureaucratic mess. The thoughts of being able to educate myself to my dream job, system/server administrator, while working and earning money are pretty good. IBM and, well, Ireland, is pretty much the place to be if you're looking for experience, good entry level positions with the possibility to move up and, as a friend cleverly called it, "CV food". I wouldn't mind working nights, though.

I've been here 4 months but it feels more like 2. During that time, I'm no longer the new guy in this household. 2 new roommates moved in and one of them is a hoot, a riot - full of fun and doesn't care about any social borders us stupid people are constantly running our face in to. It's refreshing and definitely something I can learn something from. She is really easygoing and it gives me a mate to go out and do shit with. But, being social kind of makes me feel like I miss out other places, such as on the internet, with my writing and all that boring shit - which is a pointless feeling but it causes me to stay up way longer than I should and makes it a bit harder to go to work. I suppose it is just something I have to get used to or totally ignore. Suppose change is welcome, but hard to accept. Or maybe I am one of those people who get socially exhausted, but I don't feel that with the new roomie, since she is so damn easygoing.

Also, on my personal life, I removed someone from my life and I had no idea how much she was a drain on my emotions, before she was gone. I feel good about it and I feel I left with a good explanation as to why this is, though a bit vague as to not get too the details to spare her a bit. Maybe a bit wrong, but I felt it was the right thing to do. Not much else to say to that, really.

I went on a touristy trip this Saturday and I just came to realize just how much I like Dublin. It's a pretty place, full of history, great people and great culture. People are generally friendly, kind and understanding, places are open to everyone. Heck, we even went to the local pub and hung out at the pool table, spectating, laughing with, laughing at the local players and they were so friendly, even wanted us to play.

Thanks for today. :)

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2Aug/111

Dear Diary – Chapter 28

Dear diary,

Fuck fucking fuck fuck holy shit fucking hell. I am emotionally drained yet I feel as if everything is better for it, as if I am floating from acceptance. Very unstable acceptance. After all this shit with Malene, I needed some sort of acceptance from my parents and for that, I needed to be truthful. I've been truthful to myself for awhile and I think they deserve the truth - at least so they know who their daughter is.

I sent Malene out on an errand. She needed to get out, especially after having been pent up in my room for up to a week without much contact with the social world other than the internet. She says that she's mostly been reading into experimenting with your sexuality. I think she just wants to know that she is still normal and it makes me feel like shit that I was just an experiment. I still can't grasp the concept around toying with my feelings like that, but she says she didn't mean it and she genuinely likes me for me. At least we're still friends, but I feel stepped all over.

Anyway, after having cornered my parents in the same room, I just blurted it out. 3 simple words and I felt like all hell would break loose. I literally closed my eyes because I couldn't find anywhere else to look. Anywhere but at my parents, what must they think. I honestly can't remember when I changed from standing up in front of them, to sitting between them while crying and answering their questions. They felt that they didn't know who I was and they felt a bit hurt that I hadn't told them before, especially since I've had "several" girlfriends. They had taught me to be open about everything but all I could say between sobs was that I wasn't sure myself before 6 months ago. It was a lot of back and forth. I said my thoughts, they cried a bit, they said theirs, I cried. They were interested in what had been going on in my "private life", especially since they thought I was just busy with school work and didn't have time to find a special one to have some fun with. They asked who it might have been, which I said I didn't want to tell. They asked if they had anything to "worry" about with Malene but I just shrugged. I felt a bit angry about how they said the word "worry", as if what I am doing goes against what they believe in. I know that they don't mind homosexuality but I think it just struck too close to home to be able to grasp yet. Some things might have been said, in the heat of the moment, that might not have been said otherwise. My mother was most understanding of all, but my dad was great as well - he just needed some time.

Malene came back while we were all crying and just sneaked back into my room. I said that I'd give my parents some space and take Malene somewhere for the weekend. Maybe put up a tent somewhere. I asked Malene about it and she seemed interested, so that is what we will do. I also told Malene I came out to my parents but she wasn't sure how to respond and I think I am thankful for that. She also got her own shit to sort out. But actually having said the worst to the people who mean the most to you is .. amazing. No more hiding, no more lies, no more pretending you're someone you're not. And I don't have to worry about my school friends knowing, since I will be going to college fairly soon.

All in all, I think it went very well.

Good night, diary.

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20Jul/111

One Word, An Experience

This is a story I've wanted to write for some time -- or rather, it's a mix of several stories I wanted to write but couldn't really find the flow or the feel of it. It's based on several of my memories, one of them being from when I was 8 years old, the other being the memory of a girl. None of this is true, as it is purely fiction - but the message is still true.

“Hi!”
Had I known what I was in for, I would have done my best to -- well, I wouldn’t have been the same without this experience so I most likely wouldn’t have done anything differently. The older me had hoped she wouldn’t have said anything as she sat next to me, but I knew she would and boy am I glad she did but I was scared it might have been because of my staring. Only a brainless zombie of some sort would not have noticed my glaring.“Hi!” she tried again.
I looked up. None of the thoughts that I just went through didn’t appear at this point. They are only there as a part of my flashback on this memory, this treasured memory of mine, as I rediscover, take it apart, examine the good bits with a smile, put it back together and remember it with a smile.
As I looked up, I was approached by a gleaming smile. Not one of those Colgate smiles they want you to have, but rather a shy, genuine smile. A smile that, if directed at you, make your stomach want to fly off somewhere that isn’t here.

“Hello?” I cautiously said. I was sitting on a bench on a rather busy route doing pretty much nothing than think deep, pointless thoughts. She smiled wider at the acknowledgement. The more I looked at her, the more I realized I had seen her around - but just in fleeting moments. She was one of those girls who you would get images of when you close your eyes, someone who stands out well enough to be remembered but still ordinary enough to be consider humane and reachable. The stupid poet I am would probably describe her as a human angel.

"Mind if I sit down?" She asked, making a move to sit down. I scooted over a bit and figured that the conversation was over. I was entirely too shy to try anything and the 5 minutes we sat in silence (it was probably more like 10 seconds), I couldn't think of one word to say. Thankfully, she did.

"I really like your t-shirt!" She said, turning towards me and looking at my t-shirt. I looked down, having forgotten what I was wearing. A girl in navy blue hair winked at me. I figured she was being sarcastic, since it kind of stood out with it's colours and not many agrees to seeing a scantily clad girl on a t-shirt in a public area. I told her just that: "Thank you, I really enjoy it too." I then started ranting "But don't you think it is a bit too much? Ya know, the colours, the half-naked girl etc?" I actually said etc. It was me trying to sound smart when I had nothing more to say. The sentence could have been formulated so much better, had I thought more about it - but it's when you think about it, you don't say anything.

"No, it's nice. I like the colours, makes it prettier. I agree it makes you stand out, but is that such a bad thing?" I thought she winked at me, but that was most likely just nothing. It usually is. I smiled a bit, a natural smile. It was a compliment and I knew it was. She smiled back, as if it was contagious. "I suppose not," I began, trying to think of what to compliment on her. It was just about everything, I had to admit, the more I looked at her. The self-confidence came up and I thought I was in control of the situation. I could either compliment all of her and come off as an awkward romancer or play it safe, as a new acquaintance. I go for the latter, since the first can be creepy, but little did I know, that I was not in control. "I really love your hair", was what I ended up with. She smiled and pulled on her dark red hair, probably trying to look at it. She was just as nervous as me.

"Really? I am not a fan of it, myself." she admitted. "Why not? It compliments everything about you." She tilted her head puzzled "Err, what I mean is that you wear it really well. It makes you look very cute." Her hair was shoulder length and quite thick. Her face had spots of freckles, which looked like they come out mostly in the summer. She looked, well, cute. Amazingly so. She even managed to blush deeply from the compliment. She stood up and reached her hand out.

"I'm Clara, but my friends call me Rah". she said, smiling. I stood up and took her hand. "I'm honoured, but my name is Simon and you can call me whatever you want". She giggled from my cheap joke and smiled wide, while still holding my hand. "I think I will call you just that, then - that okay, Simon?" she said with a wink. "Then I shall call you Rah, if that is okay, Clara." I said. Her acknowledgement of my jokes had given me a huge boost, a healthy kick to the stomach that really had me up on edge. She let go of my hand and put them together in a nervous manner, one that can not really be described.

She let go of my hand while smiling at me. I wasn't sure where to look, but my confidence took over and I looked into her eyes. "I love your eyes" I blurted. Before I knew what I had said, she had looked away. I thought I had blown it, that this interesting human being would now disappear without a trace. A sudden rush of panic appeared and I felt a need to explain myself before she thought me a creep. She looked back at me.

"How do you do it?" she asked, her head tilted in confusion. "Hold eye contact, I mean. I am a complete stranger, yet you hold eye contact." Bewildered at such a forward question, I just shook my head and said what was the truth. "Normally, I couldn't -" I shrugged, "but something about you just.. you know, gave me the confidence to do so, if you know what I mean?" I hoped to fuck that she did. I smiled as she nodded, getting what I meant.

"Well, I am different, I think. Your compliments make me blush and make me want to look away. I wonder why that is". The last bit she muttered to herself, while looking down. She then grabbed my hand and held it firmly in hers, not like a handshake but a handhold. "Courage?" I asked, looking at our hands entwined. She smiled.

"I went for it and it felt right." she loosened her grip, looking a bit scared at me, but I kept it firm in my hands. "It does feel right" I said, nodding. She started to walk and I followed her, holding her warm hand in mine. We talked a bit back and forth, why we were here, what we are doing, what is going on in our life - general getting to know people stuff - but it felt so right and so amazing. I clicked instantly with this girl and I think it was the same way the other way around. Several hours later, as the sun set, we were still holding hands and chatting, making each other laugh and smile. I was amazed at how her straightforwardness have led this to be one of the best experiences I have ever had with another person, almost like a rush of adrenaline together with keeping each other's confidence up. Nothing was sacred to talk about - it just felt like we were in tune. She was open minded, I was open minded, she gasped at the right places and smiled at the right places, as did I. It felt magical, but yet it also felt right. We were both being as humane as possible and didn't let social boundaries keep us apart. No subject was holy, nothing was taboo. We were human and the best kind, the direct one where there were no lies, no second though after you spoke, no fear of rejection, just connection.

Before I knew it, we had walked for 5 hours. The sun was far gone and the moon glared at us and lit us up. I could barely see her, but could feel and hear every facial expression she'd pull. I had gotten to know this person better than any of my life-long friends over the course of half a day. Heck, I hadn't even seen her before in my life until just a few days ago. We had just walked at random and we didn't really know where we were but she was leading me up a hill. When we reached the top, she let go of my hand and sat down in the grass, looking out on the beautifully lit landscape. She patted next to her, I sat down and she immediately grabbed my hand again and rested her head on my shoulder. We had, from what I could see, walked very far. We were well outside the city we met in. It was such a gorgeous landscape,even at night, and with such an amazing companion, I could help but let a few tears stroll. Even thinking about it, makes me weep happy.

"What are you thinking about?" She whispered, as we both studied the landscape. I thought a bit, then said: "Why did you say hello?". Such a simple question. 5 words ending in a question mark and the answer defined a life philosophy for me. "Why? Because I wanted to and I went for it. Have you ever thought about all the meaningless shit that is going on? The games that people pull on each other for attention. The countless ways that one can indirectly say something and then it is up to the receiver to decipher it? Wouldn't this world be a better place if people were more direct. What I mean is if people said what they meant, so much more would get done. There'd be so much more love and feelings would be worn on the outside rather than hidden away. There'd be less uncertainty." She sighed and looked at the distance. I wasn't sure whether or not I should be apologizing about my question, but I followed her example and said a direct question that had troubled me. "Why me? Why not someone else you ran into?"

"You were.. are like me. I saw you, I looked after you, I saw you looking and I saw myself. Someone alone, but someone who also wanted to be outside and try to be social with people and challenge yourself, even if you're shy. I was so sure that you had thought the same thoughts I had, so I had walked past a few times -- thankfully you didn't notice -- and I said hi. The simplest of words and look what we have now." She leaned over and kissed me gently, my lips wet with tears. "Hi.." she whispered.

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14Jun/110

Dear Diary – Chapter 27

14/06-2011
Dear diary,
Malene finally broke down and just splurted it all out there. About time, my patience was really getting tested and when I saw no improvements from her - I just gave up. The exams went fine, with an underline under fine. Nothing exceptional, but I just wanted it over with. Malene managed as well. After a few drinks at a party and while walking home, she opened up and said what was on her mind and it wasn't just a few things.
She said she liked me but she had to admit she isn't into girls like that. It was all an experiment to her. I was hurt, really hurt as I had hoped there was someone like me out there. She had also fallen for a guy before she had to leave but was scared to act on it when she was with me. She already felt she had betrayed me enough by pretending to be into me like that. She like(d) Thomas - even after I told her what he had done to me. I quite honestly didn't know what to make of that but at least she is finally true to herself and can stop carrying around all that baggage on her shoulders. With her living me, I kind of had to figure out how to get away from her a bit so I just went on longer and longer runs. She haven't wanted to start with it so it was a perfect time to just be alone with my shitty thoughts. I still like -- well, love? -- Malene but there is nothing there, she'd said so herself. No matter what, I will still be her friend and I can only compliment her on opening up and staying true to herself and saying me as it is than keep me in the dark. Probably a bit passive aggressive but fuck it, I need this friendship to work - feelings or not. We had our fun, if only it had lasted for longer - and I will have to be around her for the entire summer, and soon, as a roommate in college.

But I can't help but feel resentful against her, as she pretty much admitted everything she did or said was fake .. or rather experimental. She certainly enjoyed it during, so maybe she is just having not sure about anything at the moment - heck, her entire world was just turned upside down. But just looking at her or talking to me makes me angry, sad, unsure and every now and then I just want to lean over and kiss those lips. Maybe she just wants that? But she'd probably tell me if it is..
I don't eat a lot anymore, which my mother have noticed. It's really been tearing at me but I didn't tell my mother what was going on, just told her it was me being nervous about a new school and living alone.
And now all I want to do is jump on Malene sexually. Fucking hormones.
Till next time.

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