Without a Purpose – “futureless”
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t."
Such are the lyrics to Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). I have often taken refuge in this text because I, quite frankly, do not know what I want to do with my life. I know what I enjoy; but I also know that, what I enjoy, I cannot build a career on, without being extremely skilled, extremely charismatic or get a once-in-a-lifetime job. When I share this to people, I am often surprised to hear that they don't enjoy their jobs or education either, but that they just suck it up. How can they do this? I don't understand how you can tolerate going to a job/education you hate, for many the rest of your life. People sure are doing their very best at breaking down - which kinds of shows a backwards culture. None of them never seem to have thought "Why should I do something I do not enjoy?" and just go on with their lives in misery, where the only reward for being bored and/or stressed out happens in the weekends. I enjoy educating myself, writing, general escape-from-realism things, such as gaming, reading, watching series and movies. I also found myself to be a very social person, which is quite ironic, since I am very shy. How can anyone get an career out of this?
I am a simple man. I enjoy simple things, so I do not find myself difficult. I am not making unrealistic demands to life - I am just attempting to get out of this "futureless" state I am stuck in. "What kind of funny word was that, young man?!" That word was used by someone very dear to me, who doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with such a person, so it has been grudging me a bit more, than it normally would. I am sure it is just a criteria for an ideal man, but I kind of want to increase my chance and not reduce it. How silly does that sound.
I, more often than I should, think about the future. I have some ideas of what I want, but nothing that can really end in a career I'd enjoy. I like studying, educating myself. Becoming smarter. I also enjoy writing, which means I am quite fond of languages, journalism and other things. But if I went into the university to study English, I would very much doubt there'd be a job for me. I even have no idea, what kind of job someone like that would be able to get. Besides that, I truly want to see the world and I love helping people, so maybe just volunteering in certain international programs, but as far as I can understand, there are an overflood of people who want to help out and "see the world" plus I apparently have to pay for most of it myself, which I don't have the money for. That leaves out just traveling with myself or perhaps a friend, but that also costs some big green dollar bills I currently do not possess.
"But what about your current educations?!". Yeah, sure. I got a HHX (Higher Business Education) as well as an IT-supporter I just completed. The first one, I felt, was a waste of time. I do not want to be anything inside of sales or marketing, despite how much it pays. I will not enjoy it and I will begin to hate customers (as I started to do in my previous job), which is entirely not their fault but just the circumstances that makes me an angry t-rex. The IT-supporter was meant as a foundation, a safe-keep you could say. That was before I am in the situation I am in, now. Back then, I kind of knew I'd want to educate myself more, but because I had a girlfriend who also wanted to do it, it would have been smartest for me to get a job with my IT-supporter education, so she could get started on enjoying her own life. Alas, I no longer need to think about that. Now I got the education but due to the work situation here in Denmark, I am having huge difficulties getting a job.
Lone Warrior
The gun's metal felt cold in my hands. Yet another explosion nearby. I stared down the trench I was positioned in. Lots of dead bodies, soldiers, friends. Simon's lifeless eyes stared directly at me. A gaping bullet head in his skull stared, as well. I gulped down some saliva, yet my mouth was completely dry. I was sweating, yet it was freezing. I was warm and I was cold. An artillery shell exploded close by and I shielded my eyes from dirt. I heard a scream from further down the trench. Yet another casualty in a war that should never have been. He had been drafted against his will, yet was on the top list of recruits. The drill sergeants have called him a "killer that doesn't want to kill" and patted him hardly on the back. It was true, of the 12 missions he had been on, he have had the highest amount of confirmed kills. He knew he had his family support but now that he was stuck in a hell hole of a trench, in biting cold, all he could think of was being home. His friends. His family. His ex girlfriends. His life before the war. Abruptly taken away from him, just because this country had to flex it's muscles. Again.
He knew he would not survive this battle. As soon as the HQ had radioed in "RETREAT, THIS ONE IS LOST!" he knew it was bad to be in the front lines. Several squads stayed behind to make sure that most of us would get out. I was the last alive of my squad, so I figured it would be best just to stay. Avenge my friends against the enemy. But, I suddenly realized that the enemy is not them. We are our own enemy. We are here, in a country we have no business in. Another explosion. I sighed. Tears streaming out of my eyes, making everything blurry and foggy. My friends, I will never see them again. They will never see me again. My family. My dog. My education. The life I had built. Gone. I dropped my weapon. Crawled over to Simon to close his eyes. Simon, always taking about all the women he conquered. Came from a middle class family, no education or job. He was too young, killed by a sniper bullet to the head. His family will be proud. They thought it was best for him to serve the country. I smiled, thinking about the time he picked up a girl, who was a man in drag. I am sure we never heard all of that story. I looked up. Another explosion. I could hear no gun shots. Sounds like everyone except me is dead or have retreated. I could see movement further up ahead. I think they have advanced on me. I raise my hands, as a young guy came charging in, most likely expecting more than a lot of dead corpses and one guy, unharmed. He pointed his gun at me.
Yet Another Adventure – Advice on Engine
YAA is still going strong in my head and I want it to become reality at some point. I am, however, having issues settling on an engine. At first I wanted it to be NWN 2, but I don't really like the way they did the HUD and certain things in that game. Then I thought about Dragon Age, but the gameplay in that is utterly disgusting, if simple. It would leave a lot of room for optimizing the story instead of making sure there are a variation depending on classes, alignment - but the gameplay.. it just makes me shudder.
So, any of you guys got a decent idea for a game/engine where I don't have to make a lot of content (i.e. models) and is fairly up to date?
Another Status Update
I can't exactly remember what I wrote last time I made one of these, but I have always had a habit of not rereading anything I write. This have always bitten me in my ass, but I just can't get myself to start doing it so, what I say now might be a repeat.
I am now without a job and I am still trying to figure out how to tell the government I am searching for new jobs, how to tell my worker's union that I am unemployed, so I can get some money and not be completely broke (Yay, Denmark - if you are curious, wikipedia it). But, I am taking this as an opportunity for a reboot of my life (As I also don't have a girlfriend or an apartment anymore). I am currently applying all over the country and have told myself, that I will move for whatever job I find. It can be risky, but I don't really have anything to loose other than money and I am sure it will be an experience for me. Should bring in new opportunities, new friends and a new sensation of achievement and accomplishment.
Besides that, I am just settling my private life. I am now at the bottom, with a healthy reserve of friends, some of them amazing and actually want to spend time with me (GASP!) as well as some older friends, I have regained contact with - thankfully for the better. I have an interest in someone special, but I shall just leave it at that - as a fleeting comment because I don't want to put much into it, if there is nothing there. I am trying to keep myself from going into a rut while being out of work - I have therefore scheduled a "busy" day, getting up at specific times, exercising, applying for jobs, writing (or being creative) and then just me-time. But being available pretty much 24/7 during the days should make for some quality time with friends and more - a friend of mine have even invited me around - which will be fun, I am sure.
I am currently having a few projects I haven't started on. One of them kind of requires a good mental stability, which I do have at the moment - but stay tuned for it. I hope you will like it. I am still, actively, writing on Robert as well as some personal stories that most likely won't be released here. My danish story is on hold, because I do not feel there is an audience for it - but I might rewrite it. It would be awesome, to get a book deal here in Denmark, though. Maybe if I get the concentration, motivation and more to get that moving.
I suppose that is it for now.
When Is It Enough?
How personal can you get on your own blog? So personal that you fear for the consequences of what you say?
Far Away – As Requested
Sophie have always been a good dog. She stayed put when her owner told her to do so. Even when he got into the car and drove off. Sophie just wagged her tail happily and lied down next to the road, resting her head on her paws. The windy autumn was slowly setting in. The sun was setting as the first rain came. Sophie had not moved an inch until she began to quiver from the cold rain, soaking her fur. Normally she liked the rain, especially puddles - but the wind just went directly to her aging bones. Sophie was becoming an old dog, one that have been living with his owner and his family since she was a little puppy. A favorite of the family's son, she often was played with and was taken on long trips, where she could run in the grassy fields. She always watched over him and she was often rewarded with hugs and affection, some times even a treat. Sophie was not too unfamiliar with the surrounding areas but she knew she had to wait for her owner. She sniffed the air, got up and located a dry spot underneath a big pinetree. She sat down and awaited the return of her owner.
After a couple of hours, the rain finally stopped. The wind was gaining in strength and Sophie's wagging have ceased. She kept looking at every car that passed but none looked like the one she have come to know. None smelled the same way, she have come to expect. She had not seen the son for a long time, at least a week or two. Maybe even more. She missed her daily walk with someone who did not mind her running around and she missed the affection. The son was not very old when they got Sophie as a small golden retriever puppy but he had grown, yet the affection for the old dog had not changed. She would always be there when he came back from school, friends, parties or work. Waiting by the door until he came around and as soon as she saw him, her tail started wagging and she jumped up and licked his face. It went like that for many years, until she started getting a little bit ill. It cost much and she suddenly did not seem so appreciated by the rest of the family. The son, however, always was there to help her or to give her a pat or give her food. She sensed the sudden hostility from the rest of the family and avoided them as much as possible - mostly spending time in the son's room. He did not come home for a very long time. Suddenly, her owner put her on a leash and took Sophie out to the car.
Sophie shook herself and sat down again, peeking out. It was slowly becoming dusk and Sophie stayed put. She did not have anywhere else to go. Suddenly, she heard a familiar sound, a car was coming. One she have come to know and like, as it come up through the driveway. One that sets her tail wagging. Her tail was wagging and she could not sit still. Suddenly she heard his voice crying out her name and she ran for it. She ran, like she have never done before.
Let’s See What Will Happen
I have spilled the beans and I am entirely unsure if this will be a good or bad thing. Let's watch.
A Status Update on Life
An update from yours truly seemed to be in order - mostly about personal things.
The blog have kind of been at a standstill lately, but it is not because of lack of things to write about but more about having the time and space in my mind to just sit down and update the blog.
First, on a creative note - I have finally finalized the first chapter of Robert. I feel quite good about how it "turned" out and I am happy that it can spark an interest in people. Some of you have absolutely no idea what is to come and I promise you, you will be surprised. The entirety of the story is pretty much laid out in my head so it just needs to be written.
I will attempt to not put up sneak peaks for the next chapters, as it kind of ruins it I feel and puts me a bit off writing it - but I promise I will find something else to put up, like the map I want to create for Natural Selection 2. My creativity is slowly coming back but it is being hindered by personal problems and issues that I kind of have to get out of the way, before I can really focus on anything.
With that, onto personal matters. I do not have a girlfriend anymore after 4 years and 5 months, I do no longer have an apartment, I will not have a job after the 20th of January and I will not have any money for quite awhile. That's the heading of it all. It does mean I'm in a bit of a locked down place. I have an unsated desire to travel and educate myself but I do not have any kind of money for such luxuries. The job market is absolutely a trainwreck - people overqualified seek shittier jobs, just so they can have something - but it kind of kills newly educated people such as myself. I'm, however, continously striding to educate myself, but I have found that it would be futile to learn asp.net as it is not the kind of job I want. As a bit of a linux guy, I am certain that having a little knowledge in script languages (perl, etc.) would make me get further than being a linux guy and learn asp.net.
If anyone know of available jobs in the IT area, such as system adminstrator or other things, then please do contact me. I am in dire need of it. I do not want another phone support job.
I currently live at home, which gives me quite some freedom, money-wise. But having to move back home after 4-5 years is a huge slap in your face, but a necessary one to make things work. I've just been tossed into a small room with a bed and some space for my boxes and nitpicks. But it's home and I will admit it is nice. Thank you for that, parents.
Now that I am back at square one, I feel like I have the best scenario to turn my life around. Change myself so I become, who I always wanted to be. Who that is, I have no idea - but it is starting out with loosing weight and getting in shape. It is actually going pretty well, so far. It started out with just running every now and then but now I attempt to try and run every workday. Later on I will mix in a bit of cardio (just running and cycling, really) when I get my posessions back from the apartment. I am also constantly thinking about what I eat and drink. I thought about counting calories, but the sites and programs, I have found for it, are extremely lacking in quality - especially with mixed meals, so I went a bit away from that and am now just trying to think a bit more about what I put in the hole. (Is what she said).
Running is actually extremely easy, when you got "gadgets" to support you. I am using a program on my phone, called CardioTrainer. It's essentially a route recorder, that tracks kilometers run, average speed and (to some extend) calories burnt. This gives me the motivation to just push a bit extra and even though I have only run for about a month, I can daily feel an improvement. I also got a pulse watch as a christmas present, so I can measure my pulse as well and optimize fat burning. All I pretty much need now, is proper workout clothing and, soon, some new shoes.
On a bit of a happier note, I have reconnected with a friend I haven't spoken to in many years. We were kind of close and it was an amazing feeling, that we reclicked again with no effort at all. It's made me a bit happy and every day seems to go by a bit easier. Thank you, for that.
Hope you all had a great and relaxing couple of days.
Robert – Chapter #1 – Draft 2
Chapter #1: Awakening of a Sound Mind
The wind hit him like a brick wall, as he opened the door. He sniffed in, filling his lungs with the luke-warm desert air and ventured on outside. The loudness of the party became a muttered noise behind him, when the door was closed with a considerable force. Before it banged shut, Robert heard a faint ”Close the door, jackass!”. He stopped a few meters away, just by the outline of the light emitting from the house. The boom from inside still hung in his head, as he tried to lit a cigarette, but gave up after a few tries with his trusty sidekick, zippo. Even it could not defy the might of the whining wind, the element of some forgotten God or Goddess. The booming slowly disappeared from his head and was replaced by the high pitched wind rustling in the trees.
Robert pocketed the zippo, put the cigarette behind his ear and looked around him. He had no idea how he came to this place, where it was located, what time of year it was or just about any other normal thing most people should know. The sand suggested somewhere in the desert, the heat that it might be summer or that he is in a weird part of the country (but which, he wondered) and the wind hinted that a high pressure hit a low pressure and shit is about to hit the fan. Despite the mass input of alcohol and pretty much any other substance that could be chemically made, Robert was in a pretty sound state of mind. The wind did not know him on his feet, no matter how hard it tried. Robert turned around so the wind was on his back, put a finger down his throat and vomited Hard. The wind made it seem like projectile vomiting, which made Robert smile as he studied his own vomit in the dim light. He could make out two things, that he has not eaten for a very long time and that alcohol was NOT what had taken him to this .. area of the world. He wondered for how long he had been out of it or rather, he wondered about who he was, what the hell had happened and why. He doubted he would get any kind of answers out of any one in the house in front of him.
Robert went behind the small house to get away from the wind a bit and gather his thoughts. He ran a hand through his hair with one hand while pocketing for some kind of wallet with the other. None of his pockets revealed anything, except for a couple of pills and some girl's phone number. He examined the piece of paper on which it was written for any kind of clues, ”Jane” he said to himself. The phone number did not click, for some reason, on what area she would be from. He turned the paper around, but the rest was blank. So much for clues, he thought. He wondered what time it was. It was pitch black outside and he could barely see more than a few meters ahead. There were no visible moon or stars on the sky, which crept him out. For all he knew, he could be inside a huge hangar. He leaned back against the house, feeling the vibrations from the music in the wooden structure, took out the cigarette behind his ear and lit it. He inhaled and with a huge sigh, exhaled, collapsed against the wall and stared at the darkness.
He looked over his shoulder at the building itself. It was a pretty standard brick house, if you were not living in a desert. The more he came to think about it, the more the house looked more out of place. He turned over on his knees, took out his zippo lighter and turned it on, lighting up the bricks. He hit it lightly with his hand but not even dust from the bricks came off. There was absolutely no tear on this house. Suddenly it hit him. He could no longer hear the party. In fact, he could not hear anything at all except the wind howling. Normally music would be turned down or off at parties, but then you would at least hear some kind of chatter or yelling. Drunk people are loud, period. He stood up and tried to look in through the windows while putting the zippo away. The house interiors were all lit, but all he could see from his position, was the roof. He looked to both corners of the buildings, expecting some people coming around. If the party was over, they would have to stand somewhere to not be blown completely away.
He peeked around the corner of the house and was immediately hit by the strong wind. Nothing. He moved up along the house to the front and took a look at the door. The normal, closed door looked back at him. Robert was not sure what exactly he expected but a closed door was not it. The fact that there was absolutely no trace of the party, he thought he left just minutes ago, was tearing on his nerves. He looked over to the nearest window. It was as lit as all the other windows and no movement to see what so ever. He looked over his shoulder and moved a bit closer to the door. He put a slightly shaking hand on the door knob and opened the door. It was not locked and opened with such a force from the wind, he lost the grip on the knob and the door slammed against the wall. It creaked on the hinges. He looked into a brightly lit room which mostly looked like a waiting room at a dentist. There was no remains from a party – actually, it looked completely clean, except a bloody trail leading from one of the doors to a corridor on the left side of him. He stepped inside and forcefully pushed the door close. He tried to think back to before he walked outside, but he could not remember a thing. He suddenly felt a huge jab at his temples which sent him to his knee. A small pop in his head and suddenly a liquid streamed from both his ears. He reached up to his left ear and afterwards looked at his fingers. They were dark red.
Gasping for air, he got up on one leg and paused. A throbbing headache accompanied the pop and he tried to stabilize himself.
A faint noise had come from down the corridor -- where the blood is leading. He listened closely but the noise was gone. He got up on both legs and leaned against a wall. "Hello?" he called out, looking down the corridor. The blood led to a door in the opposite end of the corridor. He walked towards it and noticed that the handle was covered in blood. He moved slowly and listened carefully. The other doors in the corridor were closed but the blood trails went directly to (or from?) the door at the end. He studied the door. According to what he remembered about the structure of the house, this must either go into a small roof or into a basement. There was blood splatter on the door under the handle. It had been smeared on the door but there was no print from a hand or finger. Having thought that, he checked the blood trail behind him. Not even a foot print. It did not seem like any kind of blood trail you would see in a horror movie. It more looked like someone had been carrying a bucket of blood and occasionally tipping some out.
He smirked a bit at his thoughts - he was no detective but this seemed placed. Like a practical joke. Someone was pulling him a prank, there could be no other reason. The party that had suddenly vanished. The faint noise was probably someone's muffled laugh. But, he thought, what about his apparent memory loss? The sudden earpopping and throbbing headache? He shook it off as coincidental, perhaps a hit to the head. Robert wrapped his sleeve around his hand and attempted to open the door. Suddenly he withdrew it as the throbbing in his head started booming louder. He also thought he had heard a scream. It send shivers down his back. The scream did not sound human or anything like an animal. It sounded metallic in origin, like someone hit some iron yet had a female scream in it. He leaned against the door, out of breath from the pain in his head. He gasped after air but he suddenly felt weak and fell to his knees. The headache started again and he passed out.
Blog Update
Just prettied up the blog a bit. New theme, removed the ads on the side and put them inside each post (as a small banner), added disqus comment system and more! I feel pretty happy about how it turned out. Hope you will, too.