Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings

13Jan/160

Stories, where do they come from

There seems to be a common "guideline" amongst some writers that you should write what you know, which I have always absolutely hated. I doubt J. K. Rowling did this, hell, any of the big fantasy writers don't do this so why the constant push towards it? Hell, I've barely done it and I'm not half as good, I just have a damn imagination. But I suppose it comes down to them not understanding having an imagination. Friend once told me he couldn't understand how I could write about something I haven't experienced and then completely shunned everything I write for being alien and weird. Ignorance is bliss, eh.

But due to my disdain for "Write what you know", I think is why I haven't been writing much lately. I have the ideas, but not the filler just yet but I do have other stories I want to tell, but they are "what I know" to some extend. A lot of "what could have been if this and that" and stuff. That and pretty much struggling through some mental stuff.

So, I promised myself to write myself out of moods and such.

Hopefully that means more stuff coming. 🙂

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31Dec/130

Happy New Year’s Eve!

The year of 2013 gave me a new job I really like, car and, finally, a new apartment. Life is slowly stabilizing itself and I can start to focus on what's fun and kick away what isn't.

Keeping up with friends isn't as easy as it ought to be, Facebook is essentially just a "friendbook", where you can see who you have as friends but updates are rare or just contain terrible shared statuses or pictures. I want to hear about your life. I honestly hope that this is something that can be changed in 2014. I know that not a lot happens in my life, but I at least would love to share it with friends.

Here's to 2014, may it be filled with travels, great experiences, fun and amazing times. Oh, and fuck NSA and spying on your citizen.

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10Oct/123

Road to Getting Happy

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, it's annoying just being moderately okay. Now I'm just going to go at it with a structured approach.

How to get happy:

  • I want to travel
    • Requires:
      • Money - I have an income of some, so depending on length of trip, I could go within a month
      • Someone to travel with - I want to travel with friends, but fuck - either I have the wrong type of friends or there is something wrong with me so people don't want to travel with me. Or maybe I'm just not being enough upfront about it
        • Solutions:
          • Travel alone - I'm still quite shy and can't just approach people so it'd be for just looking at touristy things and enjoying another country/city. Doable? Definitely, but I think it'll take some serious lack of response from my friends before I can consider this. Maybe it's just about trying it and see if it's me. It's just a weekish of my time and some money and I'd learnt something about myself.
          • Get different friends/more friends/be more upfront and sincere about travelling with someone. Different/more friends is usually only possible when having something in common. To have something in common, I'd have to go out of my way to do certain things, such as organized sports or other similar things. I've already decided to do this when I am more fit. It can also come with a job, see elsewhere in this post. Be more upfront can be to not only put it on Facebook but also ask people upfront, but the fact of the matter is that the closest of my friends don't want to.
          • Travel to visit friends. I am already doing this, but many of my online friends live across huge oceans, which makes it a very costly affair as well as one that have to be planned quite well in order to make the most out of it.

 

  • I want to do things while socializing with my friends
    • Requires:
      • Friends who want to do something - None I know are as impulsive as me, so everything seems to have to be planned. The fact of the matter, though, is that not many of my friends want to move outside of their comfort zone or do something new or different. Going to a restaurant or the cinema requires a lot of factors and it fucking sucks that it's pretty much impossible to get anyone to do it. This is, however, from gouging interest on Facebook. Next time I'd try texting people. When they do go out, it's to get drunk and be in places with loud music where socializing IS impossible, unless you have your physical appearance speaking for you.
        • Solutions:
          • Get different friends/more friends/be more upfront - see above.
          • Do things alone - see above. Many people consider eating in a restaurant or going to the cinema declaring "social bankruptcy". Apparently I still do care what people think.

 

  • I want to write stories and generally create
    • Requires:
      • Motivation - There are times where I just want to sit down and write, but actually doing it takes so much effort it's intense. Why I have no idea, but it certainly requires the right mindset and, since I am a perfectionist, just a few sentences that sound wrong in my head, I'd ditch it.
        • Solutions:
          • Get a job or feel needed somehow. Motivation comes from self-worth and self-worth comes from feeling you are worth something. Not having a job, girlfriend or friends who seem to care for you can remove any of this. I do my best to keep myself on top, but certain actions or lack there of have a tendency to bring my carefully crafted house of cards tumbling down
          • Ask friends to request stories. I'm a people pleaser and there is nothing I love more than to actually write FOR someone.

Anyone out there who have some solid advice?

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6Sep/120

At the End of my Robe – Where to Go?

Ah yes. Unemployment. I told myself I'd be quickly in a new job. Or rather, I told myself that I will be working, hopefully in my own company but alas, things never go the way I want them to. Never. I can't remember once where something actually worked out for me. I might be cynical. In fact, I know I am - since I am writing this in a terrible mood. Okay, the things that do go well, rarely last very long.

So, what's wrong now? Let's start somewhere; jobs. I don't want to be stuck in a job I hate, so I'm quite picky when it comes to job so I start looking.. except, there is essentially nothing and the ones there are, wait for it, expect a huge amount of experience or to be experienced in some odd system. I apply anyway, but it's really enough to kill any mood or hope for quickly coming into a new job.

And to just kill it all, I lack any kind of motivation and energy. I just wake up, sit and watch shows or go on reddit. Sometimes I can get myself to do something else, like cleaning or playing a game. I don't want to sleep, because - what the hell is the point. But when I sleep, I just want to keep sleeping. Yes, I know - this is essentially what depression is but I am really trying my best to get out of it. They say to do something you really burn for, but what is there? I like making website, so I've made a few but received no feedback/help from friends. I like writing, but it's hard to do with no motivation and, again, rarely any feedback/help from friends. I like playing, which puts me out of the funk for awhile but then I just get back into it when I quit. I could socialize but I feel as if I just hate people more when in this state and I don't want to do something I don't feel like and the stuff I do feel like, I can't get any people in on.

I just don't know any more.

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19Apr/122

TrillIT

Having been "stuck" in a workplace, where there are, more often than not, nothing to do and a dwindling desire to stay at this workplace, I had decided to look into Drupal. Drupal is a relatively famous, module-based and fairly advanced CMS and I wanted to use it to make the "next generation" community site for Havoc, a small community from a guild in World of Warcraft.

I honestly can't remember why I chose Drupal, but I knew I wanted it to be a stepping stone to learn some HTML, CSS and PHP. While I had an extensive knowledge on the first 2, I've never really been able to "click" with programming/scripting. I feel I am unable to write it but can read and, in some languages, rewrite it for my own purposes. I still feel that I can't really write it from the scratch, but I've certainly gained a deeper understanding from the year long dive into Drupal. Having fiddled with it, I realized just how damn powerful this could be for any website that want to be functional and flexible rather than just be a pretty portfolio or blog. The more I dug down into it, the more amazed I was by it's modular structure and I thoroughly enjoyed playing around with it.

It wasn't until my stepdad told me that he might have someone, who is very interested in having a new website made, that an idea hatched in my brain; I could do this as a job. I am still what you can consider an amateur, "but where there is a will, there is a way". Unphased about just how huge the new "client" was, I set to provide them with just what they want, which have been a bit of a challenge. I am about 3000 km away from them and only have my stepdad as contact with them. I am well on my way and I am enjoying every bit of the way, despite the difficulties. Everything is a learning process, which just makes it even more interesting and fun. The more I explore, the more paths open up and even more opportunities for site configuration and features dawn on me. It's fun!

An idea grew on me, sparked by friends: I want to be independent. I knew that it would take some time before I found a job I enjoy, especially with today's economy and an IT industry that wants everyone to have 3+ years of experience for an entry level position. I knew that there was a market back home. My stepdad said that he has constant offers of doing various favours for money, such as fix computers, prepare them and what have you. He's a busy man and told me that he would just tell them to contact me, once I get home. Friends also started contacting me regarding making websites for them or someone they know and it suddenly dawned on me; I just might have a market. It felt like a no brainer.

It scared me at first, but also felt liberating. The fear of no constant income was, quite frankly, a bit daunting. Thankfully, however, we actually have a welfare system that makes sure you can bounce back if everything fails. I was also told that I can actually be independent while applying for jobs, which means I can get paid by the union, while searching and working with my company. I won't tire you with the politics of it, since it will most likely change a few times over the next few years, but it means I have a very last failsafe, so I won't dig myself too far down a hole.

I have the right criterias for doing this and I have the know-how, the ability, the market (apparently) and I believe this will be a trip worth taking. I will be educating myself, which can be used in the future, through jobs I know I love doing.

Say welcome to TrillIT. 🙂

I have some things I want to do as a "company", that I think is sorely lacking from others:

Transparency. I want my prices and my methods to be as transparent as possible. I am tired of all those people trying to sell you the wrong item, just so they can get a bigger bonus or ludicrious support prices. I am one person, I only have one mouth to feed so as long as I can break even, I am quite happy. Fuck, if there is enough work, I might even become a badass boss. Who knows.

Brutal honesty. This is one that has been rough for me in other companies, because you are constantly told to make a "pretty" truth, to cover the company's ass. In my sales techniques, I've never made use of this and I've always received praise for it from costumers. If a customer wants to buy an expensive product, they deserve to know the pros and cons of it before deciding. Selling more or selling specific products to earn more should not be on the agenda at all. Just happy customers who've been told it how it is and received what they were told. This will also be apparent in anything I will take in for repairs or offer support on.

Reliability and flexibility. As a one man company with "no home", I'd want to be constantly available so the customer and I won't be further away than a phonecall. I'd also want my "opening hours" to be outside of normal work hours, so they can pick up or come by when they're actually off of work instead of afterwords. As a nightperson, this suites me very well and also means I can offer that extra edge of support. I only also have myself to answer to and I put a high standard on anything I do or offer.

As you can see, I've had plenty of time to think this all through.

Next step: Coming home.

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7Nov/11Off

07-11-2011 – Another Personal Update

Alright - an update. No stories this time around as I have been fairly busy.
Life in Ireland have been .. tough, I suppose, on the old noggin'. The pointlessness of work seemed to be so heavy on my shoulders that I had a fast growing feeling of homesickness. It was unbearable on days and I felt that I was very close to just moving back home. There are no new internal positions within my job, so I am stuck in a place that feels more like factory work than actual support. I know that the entire foundation of this place is built up on making every task so easy, that it can easily be done by someone who've only read the work instructions - but that is really not the way an interesting job should be. That's a job for people who don't care about their jobs or don't have an education in this field. These entry level position just feels like slaving for little money and for not much of a purpose. It's quite obvious that the skilled people are shooed away, while the asskissers are getting jobs they never should have had in the first place.

Just today, they confirmed there won't be any open positions before the first quarter of 2012, so right now, I am just taking each day as it comes. This have been surprisingly easy, mainly because I have found a girl. I've never clicked so well with anyone before, so it feels quite amazing. From the start, everything just felt right with this person, no matter what we did. People tell me that I have been smiling all of last week and I can only nod and say, yeah - that's because there is something to smile about. It's only been a week, yet just being with her is enough for me to not be bored. She is very easy to talk to, have an amazingly open mind and we share a lot of opinions and thoughts. Ah, I could talk about her for a long time but it matters little to no one else but me. Long story short, I found someone and she makes me quite happy, thank you. The smile on my lips? Entirely because of her and my homesickness have been swept away.

Ireland have gotten very cold lately, mainly because of a consistent blue sky, and here I thought I was prepared. I even ordered an expensive jacket to wear! But has it arrived yet? Hell no - so I am stuck wearing what can mostly be described as a hoodie and wear gloves, which is kind of rough when it's freezing outside. Dublin, however, is quite beautiful with a blue sky above it. There aren't many tall buildings, so you always feel like you can see the sky, which is great in such a cultural city, which just becomes even more beautiful with a light-blue background. Doesn't necessarily mean that I have been doing anything in the city, however, as I have been *ahem* busy.

I will be heading back towards Denmark on the 10th, for a friend's wedding - so if anyone wants to hook up on the 12th, please holler.

That is all, be seeing you. 🙂

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25Aug/110

This is me

That would be me up there. That is how I felt in the last week. My desire to have some sort of structure on both my creativity, at work as well as on my social life is a constant battle against words that are not being said. Mostly by me. I go so often by on assuming the best and then feel my tiny little brick house shatter when my assumptions are wrong, which they mostly are.

It's not a nice feeling to build up on this stupidity of assumptions. How do I get rid of assuming the best? It is pointless assuming anything, especially in social interactions. Am I that attention-deprived that the smallest kind of attention makes me want to suck attention up like a sponge and then feel sad and alienated by people when I don't get more.

That is all.

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19Aug/111

Tablets, Writing, Boring!

Only written on 750words.com 4 times this month. It's really getting stupid at how bad I am at this - I seem to have no willpower, but yet still have that constant desire to write and write and write. So I should sit the fuck down and do it. But, you know how it is. When you get home from work, all you want to do is nothing. It's a never ending circle that can only be broken by growing a pair and get the fuck going. So here it is, I shall now say what the hell is on my mind and enjoy it! Yes, I shall enjoy it immensely.

As you know, I have a site called havoccommunity.net, which I am constantly upgrading on. Now, I had already said that I am perfectly happy with how it is now and that there would only be minimal updates in the future - but then I spotted that someone had finished developing a module I could easily integrate into the side and, maybe, motivate users to contribute. This also sparked another idea I've had, which I have been fiddling with. It, however, meant that I'd have to dig further into code. Code I can easily read but never be able to reproduce unless I have something that is a bit similar that I could rewrite. I've found several pieces of code, rewritten and made sure they worked together but it's like it'll never actually "function". I know it is because of some very fundamental thing - the trick is just finding it, figure out why it is wrong and then correct it. Then it hit me, this is exactly the same way I had it with both German and Spanish. I was excellent at the language, as long as I had something to compare it with or a formula to construct a sentence with. As soon as I have to create something without a ton of help, I'd just freeze up. Anyone know how the hell to get rid of this problem? It essentially feels as if when I go into this territory in my brain, I just float around and have nothing concrete to make something out of. I've always blamed it on the lack of a logic drive in my brain, since I constantly have stories, instead, in my head - but it just seems to be a too convenient "truth". How do I get past this?

I recently bought a tablet, an ASUS Transformer. My excuse was that I needed a new laptop, since I sold my old one, and then I was introduced to this fella. The price is about the same as a good, smallish laptop - especially due to the insanely low price, and I'd be able to remove the screen and use that as a tablet. I felt it was a win-win situation and so far, it has been. It's still very awkward to type on a tablet, but the keyboard dock works just wonders for that. I've started reading books on it, use it for taking notes (I hate my brain, woke up last night with an amazing idea that I just had to write down. Took 10 minutes on that damn tablet touch keyboard and then I couldn't fall asleep again) and generally just play around with it. I can't help but feel that it is a laptop in essence, with the ability of being a tablet, so another OS than Android would fit it a lot better - maybe even ChromeOS. I do have a minor problem with it - the wifi on it seems to be incredibly slow - maxing at 200 kb/s on LAN transfers. I am unsure if this is a router problem, which it just might be since we have a terrible router, or a problem with the tablet itself - but it's not a dealbreaker. Far from it. Heck, it might very well be a problem with the user. What I do find weird with Android on a tablet, is that when you have so much screen real estate, every application have to go full screen mode. I'd imagine it'd be possible to run them in windowed forms instead, which could easily increase productivity on such a device. But Android is still quite young, especially on the tablets, so it might be coming later on. I remain hopeful and I still have to install a game on any of my Android devices. Woo me! Lastword.

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10Aug/110

Personal Update

Here we are again, 22:30 on a Tuesday and I should be asleep and getting ready for tomorrow's workday. But I've slipped into B person territory and left the A person's enemy territory. I feel creative and I'd hate myself if I went to sleep, mostly because I'd just lie there, thinking that I could be doing so much productive shit that needs to be done.

Other than that, I enjoy my job - even if it is a bureaucratic mess. The thoughts of being able to educate myself to my dream job, system/server administrator, while working and earning money are pretty good. IBM and, well, Ireland, is pretty much the place to be if you're looking for experience, good entry level positions with the possibility to move up and, as a friend cleverly called it, "CV food". I wouldn't mind working nights, though.

I've been here 4 months but it feels more like 2. During that time, I'm no longer the new guy in this household. 2 new roommates moved in and one of them is a hoot, a riot - full of fun and doesn't care about any social borders us stupid people are constantly running our face in to. It's refreshing and definitely something I can learn something from. She is really easygoing and it gives me a mate to go out and do shit with. But, being social kind of makes me feel like I miss out other places, such as on the internet, with my writing and all that boring shit - which is a pointless feeling but it causes me to stay up way longer than I should and makes it a bit harder to go to work. I suppose it is just something I have to get used to or totally ignore. Suppose change is welcome, but hard to accept. Or maybe I am one of those people who get socially exhausted, but I don't feel that with the new roomie, since she is so damn easygoing.

Also, on my personal life, I removed someone from my life and I had no idea how much she was a drain on my emotions, before she was gone. I feel good about it and I feel I left with a good explanation as to why this is, though a bit vague as to not get too the details to spare her a bit. Maybe a bit wrong, but I felt it was the right thing to do. Not much else to say to that, really.

I went on a touristy trip this Saturday and I just came to realize just how much I like Dublin. It's a pretty place, full of history, great people and great culture. People are generally friendly, kind and understanding, places are open to everyone. Heck, we even went to the local pub and hung out at the pool table, spectating, laughing with, laughing at the local players and they were so friendly, even wanted us to play.

Thanks for today. 🙂

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30Mar/111

First week in Ireland

As some of you might know, I've had a very hectic March month. After coming home from a mini holiday in the UK, I was sent to a centre to apply for jobs consistently for 6 hours every day for 4 weeks. I've often fantasized about moving to a different country for work so when I stumbled over a job ad recruiting IT technicians and supporters to work for IBM in Ireland, I didn't really hesitate. I might as well try it, I figured but little did I know what I had just unleashed. 5-10 minutes after I've sent my CV, I received a call from IRELAND. Holy fuck, I did not know what was going on. We chatted a bit back and forth and he would send me more details about the job. Every day after that, we would chat and I had to do some tests to make sure I was the proper candidate. Eventually they agreed to take me in on a job interview over the phone. Just to clarify; I sent the CV on a Tuesday and Friday I had the interview. It went fucking fast and it left me spinning. My stomach churned, I farted butterflies and I was annoying generally everyone around me with my nervousness. The interview went amazing and about 30 minutes later, I received another phone call with the words "Congratulations on your new job, when can you start?"

On the 25th of March, after having waited in Stansted for what seemed like hours, I was finally flying over Ireland and very ready to start a new chapter in my life - away from everyone and everything I hold dear. Of course, it's a temporary thing but it is a great adventure, one that I have never tried before. Looking down at small Ireland, after passing over Wales, I didn't quite know what to think. Or maybe I just didn't think and let everything happen one second at a time. I could see that the leaves were already out, the sun was high, the sky was blue and everything just seemed sort of like a dream. After having a very rude travelling companion, a woman who decided to put on all her make up, spray hair spray and perfume all over her and then bitching at me for writing a text message while landing, I was quite happy to be let out into Ireland. But what the hell do you expect when you land in an entirely new country? Not long terminal corridors, slow passport check and then being let lose and not knowing where the hell to go from there, despite the fact I did know, that's for sure. But it certainly felt like I had absolutely no idea what is going on, what will be going on or what just happened. I was in a haze, a dream of waves and obscured imagery.

A friendly taxi driver, one that the landlord have arranged for me, managed to guide me towards the room I had rented. I was quiet, but my mind was full of a desire to find answers for questions I didn't even know. Answers I knew would come eventually as I stayed here longer, but apparently my fear of the unknown is just so big that I require some sort of answers right away. I never received any answers to questions I didn't know or asked, but was let loose into my new home. A smallish room with a double bed, 2 drawers and nothing else. Essentially I had all I need to survive but I still didn't feel like I had a proper foundation just yet. When the landlord arrived, I was briefly introduced to everything important. 2 toilets, 1 kitchen and 1 living room was to be shared with 4 other people, who turned out to be extremely friendly but rarely here. He gave me a quick drive around the neighbourhood, showed me the shopping centre, shops nearby my home, the route to my new workplace and much more. He let me ask every stupid question and he was just so bloody awesome, even when I had issues getting money out of the ATM to pay for the deposit and rent.

Sadly, I quickly realized that the bed was broken and was unsuitable for sleeping in. Nothing a mattress on the floor doesn't fix, so I just sent him an email about it. He called me quickly and said he was so sorry about the bed and he didn't know it was that bad. He offered me a key for another room but I just said I am fine with sleeping on the floor, in fact, I am some sort of master of sleeping on floors. I am so witty. He pulled one awesome thing on me, though. The following Monday, while I was at work (more on that later), a guy came in, fixed the bed up good, while also giving me a desk and a chair. Later, the landlord even said he'd drop some beers off just to apologize even more. Amazing guy. That was all over the course of 3 days. 2 of them, I slept on the floor. Now that the bed is fixed, I'm sleeping like a kitten.

Over the course of the weekend, I just felt very restless. I didn't feel like I belonged and this place just seemed like someone else's apartment. Didn't help that we didn't have proper internet before just now, due to a previous tenant taking the old router with him - much to the hatred of the other tenants.

It isn't that different a country from Denmark, but suddenly having to remember entire new brands of the various foods you have enjoyed for so long is quite rough, so my meals have mostly consisted of fruit, yoghurt, soda and water - delicious, but doesn't really fill you up. Just to try and actually get out, I went out, Indiana Jones-style, grabbed a bus which I somewhat knew where would end and just jumped onto it. After a bit of talking back and forth to the bus driver and him coming to the realization that I am probably an idiot for not knowing how exactly the bus fare system works, I was on my way.

I arrived at Blanchardstown Shopping Centre and battled my way through crowds of shopping hungry people before finding myself in front of a 3 store. I knew they had the best deals on pay as you go sim cards and could offer internet right away on my phone, a necessity since I didn't have internet at home. A very odd sales representative came out and plain out ignored me if he didn't hear my question but eventually I had my very first Irish number and yet another goal was completed. Soon I'd be starting to grow roots and actually feel a bit at home. While there, I took a look around a bigger supermarket but couldn't find much else to eat than what I already have.

Jump to Monday, the first day of work. I grabbed the bus I was supposed to and thanks to my Indiana Jones experience, I knew how to get in without causing hiccups. What I didn't know was when to get off to get to my job. The first time I saw an IBM logo, I immediately jumped off, got to the building and asked around. A friendly guy told me I was in the completely wrong place and I was about 15 minutes away from where I was supposed to be and I had to be there in 8 minutes. He drew up a map and sent me off and after a bit of exploring, I finally managed to find the right place and suddenly I realized just how huge this place was. Currently it is employing 500-600 people. That is a fuckton of people and it is a mix of many different languages, cultures and personalities. The first week is mainly training and not really worth noting down other than the fact that I will be working in a team mostly consisting of Danish people and I believe I've gained some great friends so far.

That is essentially my first week in Ireland. I might have forgotten something but I am sure it wasn't important. After having started at work, I really feel like I can belong and stay here without feeling like I don't fit in. The first couple of days before I started work have been tough as hell, mostly mentally but it made me realize just how big of a change we are talking about. Come on, it's a new country, a new apartment, new friends, new job, new shopping places and I pretty much only have 5 sets of clothes with me, a laptop, my phone and myself. And now I am at a place I shall call home for at least a year. Thanks to everyone who've offered me support in any way, especially my parents. You've all made this work. And finally, thanks for the push, everyone. I truly appreciate it.

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