2/09-2010 22:27
Dear diary,
I am so sorry about having neglected you. There's just been so much on my plate. Looking back at my latest post, you have probably been wondering what happened. Well, it's been a long holiday and it's, unfortunately, been full of a longing for a certain someone. Malene, as you know, went on a long trip after our week of fun. Before she left we.. how do I say this best.. we had sex. We fucked. We did the vertical lesbian dance. It was amazing, everything that I had thought it would to be. It felt so natural and smooth and slick and I just fell even more in love with Malene. We cuddled, snuggled, hugged, kissed afterwards but I had no idea what to believe. Did she like me? Did she just do it to try something new? As you know, she had to leave a few days after. We parted with a big kiss and a huge hug and I have not been able to get a hold of her until recently because of her being in a different country.
So the entire holiday was unbearable. I'd constantly think about her and be nervous about what would happen. I didn't have anything to do other than to hang out with my parents, who took us for a couple of weekend long holidays around in the country. Nothing too interesting, but it kept my mind occupied. I tried to build up the courage to ask her what was going on, but a part of me just wanted to see where this is going rather than have certainty and stability in what is going on. I've idly been texting a few friends every now and then, asking them about what one should do if I have a crush on someone. Everybody told me to confront them, but I never told them who, despite them asking constantly. They just want some gossip, so I just wrote "You'll know eventually 
". I also went to a few parties I got invited to, but never really got into it since I usually drank with Malene. Felt a bit odd, but I got very drunk and danced a lot. It felt great, just letting go and do whatever the hell you want to. I figured that's how life should be lived, yet it only really happens when I get drunk. When I'm not, I just become a shut in again and not really talk to anyone about anything other than normal girl talk. I think the gossip about me liking someone had gotten the boys to kind of back off a little bit, probably hoping that they might be the one. Heh, just look at that, I have a lot of self confidence.
I met Susan's mother the other day. She said hi, but I couldn't get myself to say a word to her. I felt disgusted by her very presence and just stared at her until she went away. I relived everything in my mind and I just can't help imagining what Sus would think about me dating Malene. Or about me liking girls. Maybe she'd be jealous? Maybe she would hate me. Maybe she'd not care. I like to think that she was one of the good girls but I can't help but feel that she was very close-minded, probably because of her parents and the way they raised her. But I miss her. I miss her a lot. Not a day goes by without me thinking about her.. and Malene. Fuck, I miss those two girls.
Miss, you might ask? Yes, Malene is still gone. It is early September, school started 3 weeks ago and she isn't back yet. I have no idea where she is, I haven't received any letters, phone calls or text messages and I walk by their house every day to see if they are home. I keep trying to think if she dropped any messages saying she'd be gone for longer. I even asked the teachers and they have no idea either. I'm not too worried, for some reason, but I just miss that pretty girl. Her smile.
I don't really have anyone to talk to at school now a days, so I've just been talking to whoever have approached me. A couple of guys have moved to the table next to me in school, so I've been chatting away with them. They've mostly been trying to annoy me, because apparently that's why guys do if they are interested in one, but I've just been keeping them at bay - talking without really saying anything. They've been texting me, too - just casual stuff like "Want to hang out?" or "Want to go to this party?". I think I just might.
Good night, diary.
29/06-2010 20:17
Dear diary,
The summer vacation finally came, at long last, and with it, amazing weather. Blue sky, high temperatures, sun and everything that comes with it. Cafés, ice cream, shopping and everybody appears to be happy and smiling. My smiles have, sadly, been forced unless I am together with Malene. And today, our grand plan of fun started.
Friday, the last day of school, ended in a big party at a classmate's house. I didn't drink a lot but Malene was dead drunk, so I had to take her home. She copped a feel several times, mumbling something about "everybody is envious of your great body, ya know" and then that she was sorry. I don't mind it and I told her. She seemed glad by that. But other than that, it was a relatively eventless day/night. I noticed there was a lot of class mates who got together - lots of kissing and couples disappearing. I somewhat envied them but knew I had Malene and she had a way to kind of kill those "desires" to be with someone. I was told, by her, that a few guys were looking at me and had been asking about me. She had, jokingly, said that I was hers, which I giggled at and played a bit with the idea - but it just made them go for someone else to ask. I do recall someone coming up to me, awkwardly, giving me a drink and asking me to dance. I said I don't really dance and then he went away. Oh well, can't blame a guy for trying! It was kind of cute how nervous he was and I couldn't help that he had no reason to be nervous. Worst thing he could get is a no, right?
Saturday and Sunday were relatively uneventful, as Malene was at home. No school meant no homework so I didn't know what to do other than watch TV.
Monday: Malene came with a huge bag full of clothes. She was practically moving in for the week! We started on our plan immediatly and after she had changed and showered, we headed out. The weather was amazing so we decided that we wanted to go to the beach instead. We started with the cinema trip first since we figured it'd be too hot on the beach. We didn't really want to watch anything that was currently going, so we just on a random movie. It turned out to be The A-Team. Boy movie! But it was fun. We were being girly girls, chatted, giggled and tossed popcorn at each other - we were the only ones in there, so we could get away with it! At around 4, we arrived at the beach. People were slowly packing and going home, which meant we had most of the beach to us. We decided to just take in the sun, sunbathe, not care about anything and enjoy ourselves.
Eventually, we figured out that we were actually alone on the beach. Malene pointed out that it was a relatively secluded beach so no one would be able to see us. Not knowing why she would say that, I just gave her a puzzled look but I was about to get wiser. She smiled at me, then took the rest of her clothes off (only bra and underwear at this point) and ran into the water. She called to me to come over. I undressed, ran to her and jumped into the waves, next to her. It was quite warm, but she came over to me and wanted a hug. I hugged her, face to face and she gently kissed me. I was a bit shocked, but then kissed her back. We stopped and she just smiled at me. I love that damn smile. We kept playing around in the water until the sun had set and then my mother came and picked us up. We fell asleep right away.
30/06-2010 23:46
Tuesday: Woke up early and went to the shopping mall as it opened. Neither of us had a lot of money so we just went out to do something. It was a lot of fun. At around 4, we decided to go home after a quick visit to Blockbuster. We borrowed a couple of movies and Malene kept telling us to get a porno while giggling at the images at the back. We rented it but we never really got around to watching it. As we came back, it was still super hot outside and we both went for a shower together to remove the sweat. We didn't feel like getting dressed so we just popped on a big shirt, made popcorn and grabbed soda and began watching random movies. Malene fell asleep quickly, leaning against me. She is still asleep next to me as I write this. She is really cute and she must be dreaming something great as she is smiling.
Oh well, that's enough for me today. Good night.
01/07-2010 21:53
Wednesday: I didn't really look forward to today but Malene insisted. I haven't thought about her or being generally sad while Malene was here, so I kind of hoped that she could be a buffer in me getting a break down on Sus' grave. I wanted to push it as far back on the day as possible, while Malene wanted it to be straight away so we could talk about it afterwards, if necessary. She has turned out to be my therapist, it would seem. I, reluctantly, agreed with her and we went. Just as we approached the graveyard, I was in tears. I tried to hide it from Malene but she grabbed my hand and held it tight while forcing me ahead. I felt a bit foolish, but I just started talking to the grave and it brought me a bit of peace. Malene just sat quietly, with tears coming down her cheek. I pulled her over and hugged her and we cried a bit together. We both felt great afterwards.
We walked away, hand in hand, but neither of us felt like going to the planned football match. We just walked for a bit, with no destination, and then found a bench. Then Malene began to talk. She have held it in for a long time I will write it down as best as I can (Hooray for a great memory, but also because it struck me so hard): "Remember when I told you that it was tough for me to see the most stable person I know, fall so hard? It made me think. A lot. I promised I'd help you out to the best extend of what I can, because you are my best friend but it also made me realize just how quick life can end." she said this with a sob, I moved over to pull her in closer. "So I knew that I had to do what I want, while I still can. Just this week, ya know - I wanted to run into the ocean naked and I got my best friend to follow. I wanted to hug my best friend and I did... I.." she hesitated "wanted to kiss my best friend and I did. But nothing I have done yet, with you, was met with anger or anything." At this point, I kind of knew where the conversation was going but it never came to that. She plainly just asked me "What are we? What are we doing?". I responded with: "We are living life and doing what we want." I told her I could never get angry at her and she could do whatever she wants to do. She responded with a kiss. I noticed a few people looking and pointing, so we went home afterwards. I still feel the kiss on my lips.
She is a tired one, this girl. She fell asleep as we lay down on the bed. I had thought we needed to talk more, but I am glad we didn't have to. I am still not sure what she would think. On one side, I think she'd be okay with and .. we might start dating? I don't know. On another hand, the pessimistic one, I could lose her as a friend. I would have no one left who are close to me.
Good night, diary.
03/07-2010 19:56
Dear diary,
I feel .. tingly. Warm, with butterflies in my stomach, constantly sighing with relief and happiness. I feel like I am floating, I feel like I can conquer the world. I feel accepted, cared about and loved. I am constantly smiling. I simply cannot stop.
I feel happy.
13/06-2010 17:57
Dear diary,
I know I have been quiet lately but when there is only a few things on your mind which I have already written about. Sus's death is still on my mind, but I have no more tears. Just regret, really. School is being annoyingly slow and I can slowly see the summer vacation creep in on us and the amazing week with Malene. Occasionally, however, my entire sexuality "situation" kind of pops into my head, mostly because it is summer and girls are dressing in some quite.. interesting clothes. As a teenager, I can really feel their appearance "impress" me and "affect" me in certain ways. I don't know if I can say that less indirectly - but I haven't felt any desire to do anything after Sus, so I feel that it is kind of a step forward in coping of her loss. Yes, I get horny again and I look at all the hot summery girls and it gives me fantasies I wish I could fulfill. I think I might have been a bit too apparent in me looking at them, because Malene have started commenting on girls as they go by, mostly in a superficial way -- like "She looks great in that" or "She looks like a snob". I really wish I could tell her who I really am, but I suppose it doesn't really matter as long as she is my friend. Could just be great to, ya know, be accepted as who you are.
Since certain morons cannot read, I will just go right ahead and tell you: This is in the STORIES category - i.e. IT IS PURELY FICTION. ANOTHER GIVE AWAY WOULD BE THE FACT THAT IT IS A CHAPTER!
That is all.
23/05-2010 02:25
Dear diary,
Every time I am left alone and while not doing anything to occupy my mind, I start to think about Sus. I cannot grasp the concept of death. My mind is trying to ease me into it and just making me imagine it like she moved far away and that I will never see her again -- that she isn't really gone. The very idea that someone so special to you is suddenly gone and the fact that I will never be able to see her again saddens me to no end. It makes me cry. It makes me become negative and I just cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel from this. Like it will never get better.
I can only think that this was probably how Sus felt. Unable to change her life and nothing to look forward to. It kind of gives me a bit of solace to think that I might understand why she did it. When I reached that realization, it felt like I suddenly felt a lot better. I can't exactly understand why, it just felt like it clicked. Like an equation suddenly making sense. I lay restless a lot lately, not able to sleep until at least 4 in the morning and being unable to get out of bed. I know my mother is getting worried so she is kind of just being supportive and not very pushy for me to get things done. I heard her tell my dad that she have no idea what to do with me, other than give me support and time.
I showed mother the suicide letter. I just kind of gave it to her without saying anything and then leaving again, hopefully telling her that I have no idea how to talk about and that I probably don't want to. She haven't said anything about it, which is probably for the best - but I felt she deserved to know what was going on since she had helped me out with the letter.
Anyway, it's been absolutely beautiful outside in the last couple of days. I think it hit 28 degrees today, so Malene and I have just been out enjoying it. We have been walking around town, mostly just trying to get a tan but also chatting a bit. We were trying to decide what to do in the week where she is still at home. We decided to stay at my place all week, so she is bringing her covers and clothes, so it'll be like a small trip for her. But what we have so far is:
Monday: Depending on weather, go swimming. Afterwards go see a movie in the cinema. We'll figure out which one later on.
Tuesday: Go shopping in the mall. Should be loads of fun. Afterwards just crash at my place and watch a few movies or whatever comes up.
Wednesday: Go visit Sus' grave. This saddened me a bit but I think it will be a great to get some kind of closure. It was Malene's idea and I feel kind of bad for not having suggested it myself. Afterwards we'll go and see the guy's from our class play football. Just to cheer them on.
Thursday: Malene suggested we should try and get some drinks and just drink at my place. Might be fun! I asked if we she should invite someone and she said "Not necessarily, it'll just be us having fun while being drunk!".
Friday: Nothing really, go watch another movie in the cinema and see where the night takes us.
Saturday and Sunday: We haven't decided yet, but we have a good and packed schedule so far.
Discussing this plan made me feel great again and full of life. But alas, as I came home and Malene wasn't around, I sank into my hole again. I have been trying to sleep for the last 5 hours. Malene stopped answering my texts 2 hours ago so I am just mindlessly sitting on the internet but nothing can keep my attention for long.
Good night, diary.
19/05-2010 21:20
Dear diary,
It's safe to say that I have been a mess lately. First the funeral, then the suicide letter - which just gave me more unanswered questions, then everybody just trying to forget about her and keep living life. Thankfully, school is over soon - so I don't have to be a mixed bag of emotions. Carry two faces and all of that.
I haven't shown this letter to anyone else just yet. I am unsure what to do against the rape. It sounds like it was consensual, in a way. Sus trying to reach out to him and the teacher taking it the wrong way. She probably did it, but regretted it afterwards. Should I take the letter to the police and make them do an investigation.. no, that might mean they have to dig up Sus and she is finally at peace now. No. The letter gives me an anger I have no idea where to direct. It doesn't give me any peace at all. Sus.. dammit.
I finally had the neck support removed, so I could finally start exercising again but I had no desire to do it. I didn't want to, simple as that. I told Malene this and she have been trying to get me to go with her, saying that if you can't do it for myself, then do it for her. Was just the words I needed to hear, plus it helps with distancing myself from everything for a bit. When out there, it's just her, me and the asphalt. The beautiful weather have simply taken our breaths away. The leaves came in quickly and it's now so green and beautiful out there in mother nature. Just thinking about it, makes me smile. Right now, the sun is setting in a masquerade of beautiful colours outside my window. The way it colours the clouds surrounding it is just amazing. There is no wind, so everything is just so peaceful..
Malene have been a bit blunt with me lately. She said she have been scared for the first time in a long time. She said that if the most stable person is so out of it, she doesn't know what to do with herself. She said that if she had to support me, she would - but that she isn't used to it. I loved her even more from that moment and I gave her a huge hug and began to cry. She didn't know what to do, I could feel it, but I assured her that she is doing everything right. She smiled at that. Her smile can really cheer people up. It's good to know that I still have Malene, now that my other best friend is gone.
Malene, sadly, said that she had to go traveling most of the summer so she will only be home like one week. She assured me that we'll make the best of it. I believed her and I will now look forward to it. She have cheered me up and made me forget things for a little while.
I think I will show Sus' suicide letter to my mom.
But good night, diary. I am glad to share all of this with you. I feel a lot better now.
17/05-2010 19:11
Dear diary,
I finally got around to it. But nothing more. Here is the translation:
"I am sorry.
You are probably thinking that there must be another way and you are probably also blaming yourself for what happened. Don't. This is entirely my choice and I feel that it is for the best. I am finally at peace with myself. I knew this was the right thing to do. If you need to blame someone, blame me.
I tried to be strong, like you. I tried to look at the positive side of things, but when there are none - it is tough to stay ahead and on top. I tried to live my entire life in a few weekends. I was pretty much intoxicated for every minute of them and then I decided to have sex. It was horrible. I don't think Martin cared much for me, but he served the purpose I needed. When I finally had done what I could with my life, I simply saw no point anymore. There was nothing to look forward to, my parents made sure of that. I would not be able to endure another year of home schooling, especially because the teacher raped me.. My parents didn't believe me. I was helpless. It felt like a prison - no phone, no internet, no computer. I thought, perhaps, I could get a friend in the teacher but he .. probably took it the wrong way. I don't know.
I have always wanted to be like you. You have always been so kind and sweet. You knew just what to say and what to do. You are so confident and beautiful. A one of a kind girl. I appreciate everything you have done to me and I wish you all the best in the future.
I will always love you.
Sus."
09/05-2010 15:33
Dear diary,
I just returned from Sus' funeral. It was a nightmare. A nightmare that has just begun. During the entire ceremony, Sus' parents sat there with a stone cold face, as if it wasn't even their daughter. Thankfully, the catholic priest did a great job, reminding us all just how great a person Sus was - what she have added to our life and that it was sad that she felt she must depart so early. Despite crying the entire ceremony, my eyes were focused on Sus' parents, who I blamed for her death. The only reason I can probably write this, is because I might destroy something if I do not. I have to vent and also because I received something, which I think Sus' father did not want me to see.
Sus' mother came over to me after the ceremony and handed me an envelope. She had tears in her eyes and told me, that she had to respect Sus' last wish and that she just wanted the best for her daughter. The envelope had been opened, so I assume that she have read it. The envelope contains her suicide letter. One specifically written to me. I will attempt to translate it the best I can, dear diary. It will not be now, however. Some other day.
(This is written by Jessica, a good friend of mine)
09/05-2010 01:34
Dear Diary,
With all the stress and emotions that have been plaguing me lately, I thought it might be nice to share a happy story. I'm going to tell you about my first pet.
Her name was Darla, she was a Greyhound (they don't agitate mom's allergies), the runt of the litter and not considered even worth raising until mom and dad found her. Darla had such a nice white and caramel-coloured coat; it always felt like silk. She was about 3 years old when I was born, very well behaved and always so gentle with me, even when I was a baby. Every day when I would return from school she would always be sitting on her bed, tail wagging furiously, just waiting for me to let her come and greet me. She would cover my face in kisses and rub her head against my neck and face, getting her scent back on me.
I remember one day, I was about 7 years old, mom and dad didn't close the back door properly. Darla went outside and got through a hole in the fence so she could follow me to school! She followed me as I walked and got there right as I did. My teacher had to call my dad to have him take Darla home. Everyone who was around at school took the opportunity to come over and pet her and give her love before they let dad take her back home, though. Poor dad, he ended up being late to work that day but I think he really enjoyed seeing all of us so happy to be able to play with Darla before school.
After that my friends wanted to come over to my house more often just to see her and play with her--she always loved playing "Fetch" with us, she could play it all day I think. That was when Sus started coming over to my house more often; Malene came over a couple times but she was still very shy and quiet back then and not very social.
She ended up passing away peacefully in her sleep at the ripe old age of 13, and she suffered from very few health problems before her death. We knew her time was coming near the end, she was moving very slowly, had slight hearing and vision problems, and would get out of breath fairly easily in her last weeks. I'm so glad we were all able to make peace with her and show her how much she was loved before she died. Dad buried her in the back yard beneath her favourite tree that she loved sleeping under, so she will always be with us. We still keep a picture of her in the family room.
I hope to share more happy memories with you as I recall them, Diary.
02/05-2010 23:56
Dear diary, I have no idea where to start. Life.. was taken away from my best friend. She had no life left, so she felt that the best way to get past it, was to end it. I feel like I have cried for 3 days straight, which I probably have. But, as always, things are best told from the start.
I had been trying to contact Sus ever since my hospitalization. My mother decided that it was best I stayed at home, so I had a long time to think about what exactly she said and I came to a different conclusion every time; that she wanted to kill herself, that she wanted to run away, that she wanted me to go ahead with the county. I simply didn't know what to make out of it. I told my mother about it and she tried to call her parents and get to talk to Sus. They hung up immediately, which pissed off my mother. She knew that there was no talking sense to these kind of people, so she couldn't really help much. I tried to go to her house but her private teacher wouldn't let me in, on orders from the parents. I tried to yell to her, but nothing. The teacher even threatened to call the police on me - which I find odd since I must have looked the most innocent with me being in a neck support and with bruises on my face. I, sadly, would have to wait until Friday - which is a holiday here, a Christian one at that - to be able to contact her. I assume her parents will not be around, like most weekends. Wishful thinking. I didn't see much to Malene but I texted to her, throughout the week - but since I couldn't really exercise, she didn't have much of an "excuse" to see me, as she wrote, but I said she can drop by at any time she want. I missed her and Sus. I mostly just sat around, watching TV.
Sunday I received a text from Martin, asking what the hell happened between me and Sus. I didn't answer but asked him how I could contact her. He didn't know. I have been texting him daily this week to see if he knew anything but he did not. He was getting annoyed by me but I didn't care. I kind of feel that he is destroying Sus as well, but I didn't tell him that. I became more and more negative the more I was left alone with my own thoughts. I felt powerless, I couldn't do anything. I have been checking up on laws and you can't even call the police on Sus' parents. They have every right to do, what they are doing - as long as they are not abusing her.
Thursday, I received the news of her death. I was devastated - didn't believe it at first. It was my father who had seen an ambulance outside of Sus' parents' house. Thinking an accident had happened, he asked around the bystanders who told him that it was Sus. That she apparently is dead. Her parents, reluctantly, confirmed it. They found her lifeless on the toilet, but they kept muttering about how she will be in hell now. They didn't seem to blame themselves, my father said.
I am sorry, I cannot write any more. I will come back later, dear diary.
30/04-2010 23:04
Sus killed herself last night. 