Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings

19May/100

Dear Diary – Chapter 20

19/05-2010 21:20

Dear diary,

It's safe to say that I have been a mess lately. First the funeral, then the suicide letter - which just gave me more unanswered questions, then everybody just trying to forget about her and keep living life. Thankfully, school is over soon - so I don't have to be a mixed bag of emotions. Carry two faces and all of that.

I haven't shown this letter to anyone else just yet. I am unsure what to do against the rape. It sounds like it was consensual, in a way. Sus trying to reach out to him and the teacher taking it the wrong way. She probably did it, but regretted it afterwards. Should I take the letter to the police and make them do an investigation.. no, that might mean they have to dig up Sus and she is finally at peace now. No. The letter gives me an anger I have no idea where to direct. It doesn't give me any peace at all. Sus.. dammit.

I finally had the neck support removed, so I could finally start exercising again but I had no desire to do it. I didn't want to, simple as that. I told Malene this and she have been trying to get me to go with her, saying that if you can't do it for myself, then do it for her. Was just the words I needed to hear, plus it helps with distancing myself from everything for a bit. When out there, it's just her, me and the asphalt. The beautiful weather have simply taken our breaths away. The leaves came in quickly and it's now so green and beautiful out there in mother nature. Just thinking about it, makes me smile. Right now, the sun is setting in a masquerade of beautiful colours outside my window. The way it colours the clouds surrounding it is just amazing. There is no wind, so everything is just so peaceful..

Malene have been a bit blunt with me lately. She said she have been scared for the first time in a long time. She said that if the most stable person is so out of it, she doesn't know what to do with herself. She said that if she had to support me, she would - but that she isn't used to it. I loved her even more from that moment and I gave her a huge hug and began to cry. She didn't know what to do, I could feel it, but I assured her that she is doing everything right. She smiled at that. Her smile can really cheer people up. It's good to know that I still have Malene, now that my other best friend is gone.

Malene, sadly, said that she had to go traveling most of the summer so she will only be home like one week. She assured me that we'll make the best of it. I believed her and I will now look forward to it. She have cheered me up and made me forget things for a little while.

I think I will show Sus' suicide letter to my mom.

But good night, diary. I am glad to share all of this with you. I feel a lot better now.