Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings

23May/100

Dear Diary – Chapter 21

Since certain morons cannot read, I will just go right ahead and tell you: This is in the STORIES category - i.e. IT IS PURELY FICTION. ANOTHER GIVE AWAY WOULD BE THE FACT THAT IT IS A CHAPTER!

That is all.

23/05-2010 02:25

Dear diary,

Every time I am left alone and while not doing anything to occupy my mind, I start to think about Sus. I cannot grasp the concept of death. My mind is trying to ease me into it and just making me imagine it like she moved far away and that I will never see her again -- that she isn't really gone. The very idea that someone so special to you is suddenly gone and the fact that I will never be able to see her again saddens me to no end. It makes me cry. It makes me become negative and I just cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel from this. Like it will never get better.

I can only think that this was probably how Sus felt. Unable to change her life and nothing to look forward to. It kind of gives me a bit of solace to think that I might understand why she did it. When I reached that realization, it felt like I suddenly felt a lot better. I can't exactly understand why, it just felt like it clicked. Like an equation suddenly making sense. I lay restless a lot lately, not able to sleep until at least 4 in the morning and being unable to get out of bed. I know my mother is getting worried so she is kind of just being supportive and not very pushy for me to get things done. I heard her tell my dad that she have no idea what to do with me, other than give me support and time.

I showed mother the suicide letter. I just kind of gave it to her without saying anything and then leaving again, hopefully telling her that I have no idea how to talk about and that I probably don't want to. She haven't said anything about it, which is probably for the best - but I felt she deserved to know what was going on since she had helped me out with the letter.

Anyway, it's been absolutely beautiful outside in the last couple of days. I think it hit 28 degrees today, so Malene and I have just been out enjoying it. We have been walking around town, mostly just trying to get a tan but also chatting a bit. We were trying to decide what to do in the week where she is still at home. We decided to stay at my place all week, so she is bringing her covers and clothes, so it'll be like a small trip for her. But what we have so far is:
Monday: Depending on weather, go swimming. Afterwards go see a movie in the cinema. We'll figure out which one later on.
Tuesday: Go shopping in the mall. Should be loads of fun. Afterwards just crash at my place and watch a few movies or whatever comes up.
Wednesday: Go visit Sus' grave. This saddened me a bit but I think it will be a great to get some kind of closure. It was Malene's idea and I feel kind of bad for not having suggested it myself. Afterwards we'll go and see the guy's from our class play football. Just to cheer them on.
Thursday: Malene suggested we should try and get some drinks and just drink at my place. Might be fun! I asked if we she should invite someone and she said "Not necessarily, it'll just be us having fun while being drunk!".
Friday: Nothing really, go watch another movie in the cinema and see where the night takes us.
Saturday and Sunday: We haven't decided yet, but we have a good and packed schedule so far.

Discussing this plan made me feel great again and full of life. But alas, as I came home and Malene wasn't around, I sank into my hole again. I have been trying to sleep for the last 5 hours. Malene stopped answering my texts 2 hours ago so I am just mindlessly sitting on the internet but nothing can keep my attention for long.

Good night, diary.