Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings

2Aug/110

Dear Diary – Chapter 28

Dear diary,

Fuck fucking fuck fuck holy shit fucking hell. I am emotionally drained yet I feel as if everything is better for it, as if I am floating from acceptance. Very unstable acceptance. After all this shit with Malene, I needed some sort of acceptance from my parents and for that, I needed to be truthful. I've been truthful to myself for awhile and I think they deserve the truth - at least so they know who their daughter is.

I sent Malene out on an errand. She needed to get out, especially after having been pent up in my room for up to a week without much contact with the social world other than the internet. She says that she's mostly been reading into experimenting with your sexuality. I think she just wants to know that she is still normal and it makes me feel like shit that I was just an experiment. I still can't grasp the concept around toying with my feelings like that, but she says she didn't mean it and she genuinely likes me for me. At least we're still friends, but I feel stepped all over.

Anyway, after having cornered my parents in the same room, I just blurted it out. 3 simple words and I felt like all hell would break loose. I literally closed my eyes because I couldn't find anywhere else to look. Anywhere but at my parents, what must they think. I honestly can't remember when I changed from standing up in front of them, to sitting between them while crying and answering their questions. They felt that they didn't know who I was and they felt a bit hurt that I hadn't told them before, especially since I've had "several" girlfriends. They had taught me to be open about everything but all I could say between sobs was that I wasn't sure myself before 6 months ago. It was a lot of back and forth. I said my thoughts, they cried a bit, they said theirs, I cried. They were interested in what had been going on in my "private life", especially since they thought I was just busy with school work and didn't have time to find a special one to have some fun with. They asked who it might have been, which I said I didn't want to tell. They asked if they had anything to "worry" about with Malene but I just shrugged. I felt a bit angry about how they said the word "worry", as if what I am doing goes against what they believe in. I know that they don't mind homosexuality but I think it just struck too close to home to be able to grasp yet. Some things might have been said, in the heat of the moment, that might not have been said otherwise. My mother was most understanding of all, but my dad was great as well - he just needed some time.

Malene came back while we were all crying and just sneaked back into my room. I said that I'd give my parents some space and take Malene somewhere for the weekend. Maybe put up a tent somewhere. I asked Malene about it and she seemed interested, so that is what we will do. I also told Malene I came out to my parents but she wasn't sure how to respond and I think I am thankful for that. She also got her own shit to sort out. But actually having said the worst to the people who mean the most to you is .. amazing. No more hiding, no more lies, no more pretending you're someone you're not. And I don't have to worry about my school friends knowing, since I will be going to college fairly soon.

All in all, I think it went very well.

Good night, diary.