Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings

26Jan/120

Dear Diary – Chapter 29

Dear diary,

Once again, I have gone a long time with not updating you. I can give you the usual excuses, but it's can really all be summed up to one thing: Life. Life happened, life is happening and life happens. To go more in details; drama, school, fitting in, not getting stepped on. Since last time, I've started in "college", the quotation marks meaning that our school system is different than English school systems. At first, it was exciting and great to get to know new people but the excitement was shortlived. Much like high school, college seems to be about popularity and beauty. There is a constant contest among the more popular and pretty girls and they have somehow managed to include me, which I assume means that I am considered attractive. Not the best way to be told this, but I felt a bit flattered, despite being constantly snarled at for all my "abnormal" movements, such as studying hard, trying to stay on the teacher's good sides and not coming off as, well, a blonde - pardon the term. I use this word because they are blonde and they are acting the very stereotypical way as often portrayed in the media. Sorry about being so freaking posh about my wordings but writing it down that way makes it possible to elaborate a lot more while talking normally. Something I was taught by a teacher.

I suppose I really have to start with the beginning. The tent trip never happened, Malene started dating older guys she found on the internet and I thought at first that it was just for sex, but she became quite serious with this guy, 41 year old. I told her to be careful, but she is head over heels for him -- like she was me at one point. Sigh. I do miss her, but she only shows up for school to not get into any troubles and rarely listens or studies. I have all but given up on her and just keep my mind away from her, which is easier said than done. She's sorely missed or, rather, the Malene I used to know is sorely missed..

Start of the college was eventful, with a lot of parties to get to know each other. A lot of guys hit on me at those parties, probably thinking of establishing a rumor but I had, obviously, my eye out for something else. At that time, though, it was mostly to socialize and make friends - not date. Malene, at these times, were quite.. easy, kissing and being with just about everyone who made advances - which was quite a few, according to her when she shared her tales of the nightlife. I don't blame her, though, as I probably would have done the same thing, if I had a different mindset and was in a room with lusty lesbians. I've been quite.. hungry for sex, but I just enjoyed myself with myself and figured I had my priorities set up properly. Skip forth 5-6 months and jumping over the drama and popularity contests, where I mostly tried to avoid confrontations and provoking the more competitive girls - I felt like I had found a proper place in the class. Not many noticed me, I had friends I chatted with at school and my grades were at the top, due to my hard work. I was content with myself, but wanted to date as well - or be a functioning teenager. One can only feel a bit abnormal when everyone else does something else, but after chats with my parents, most people seem to have a wild first year at college and the rest of the years will be more about school than party and socializing. Don't get me wrong, I go to the parties I am invited to, but looking around at everyone having that much more fun, while you're just having a bit of fun makes you wonder if you are broken or have the wrong mindset.

So, I started looking around on where the hell to start dating girls. Most dating sites are 18+ and even though I have created accounts on them, I can't seem to find anything within my age group, which is obvious as I am too young. I've tried several forums for lesbians but I am just too .. or rather, I feel too awkward to be a part of such a community, as I don't even feel like I have come to terms with it myself. I was afraid that I'd just be someone's "sexual experience", like Malene and I feel like I have already been scared enough with her relationship - so I went in heads first.. with just sex. Nothing else. This next part is kind of embarrassing to write, since it goes against a lot of what I originally thought were my .. morals.

One boring night in November, I was scouring the internet. I honestly can't remember how I stumbled across it, but it was a site with ads, such as selling and buying various goods. Included on this site, was a more .. personal part of it, asking or selling sexual favours. Yes, you heard me right. I was so intrigued by this, most likely because of my self-loathing and horny mood I was in, that I began looking around. While it was mostly men there, I did, however, find a few interesting ads asking for a girl. One peeked my interest, because it was especially asking for young looking girl, which meant I could get away with me being the age I was. And I had to admit I had a thing for older ladies ever since having a fling with that mother. Or rather, I was probably more interested in someone experienced rather than one on my own age who'd probably be too "innocent".

Now, here is the kicker. I contacted her. I didn't hand over a real name or age, but just said I was interesting in fulfilling her fantasy; to be dominated by a young girl. She said she wants to pay 4000 per time. PER TIME. She didn't want this to be a one time thing. And 4000? How often? My brain couldn't comprehend all the information at once, so I hastily said yes and asked about where and how. She had thought about this for a long time, because nothing was left to coincidence. She was also very direct and didn't share any details that wouldn't be about the meeting; who she is, why she is doing this, why we are meeting at her work. Well, she did explain the latter as in that she is the head of a big company, so she has a big office and can't really meet anywhere else.

I felt exhausted, excited and nervous when I put the phone down. We were meeting soon, 2 days afterwards. She said to come as I am, innocent and all - putting emphasis on the innocent. But I couldn't help but wear the best I have, which I usually wear at parties, but didn't want to be too revealing, thinking that'd be innocent - but still a bit provocative. I couldn't help but smirk at the thought of dominating an older woman.

The day arrived, I arrived after changing after school and went into the building. It was a very well known company and I had walked past it many times before. I said I had a meeting with the boss, obviously saying her real name - but I don't want to disclose it here, and the receptionist said I must be the new intern. I coughed a bit but went on with it and was told to just go straight up. She even had her own secretary, who also addressed me as the new intern. I had kind of hoped for a wink from her, knowing that she was in on this, but she played it off professionally, as she called her over the speaker. Her office was huge, with a big desk in the middle, several couches as well as what I can only think is a conference table off to the side. There were papers just about everywhere, but stacked neatly.

Her.. well, as I approached her, I could barely see her, hidden behind a screen and several stacks of paper but she stood up with a smile and winked as she greeted me as the intern. She was.. well, breathtaking. She wore a professional business suit with a skirt, long legs, great hips, her curves were just like they should be and she just looked perfection, with a few wrinkles in her face, blonde hair and a professional attitude surrounding her. You could feel that she is in control of herself and her intelligence almost oozed out into the room from her posture and body language. She had fought her way to be here. Obviously, I didn't think any of this while I was standing there, I was too busy focusing on myself, keeping myself in control, not running for the door and doing the alien thing of dominating. I could count on two hands how many times I've had sex and here I was, about to dominate another woman. She gave me her hand, opened up a drawer and put down 4000 (that is in our valuta) in 100 bills and said the words "I am yours, don't worry - no one can hear us."

It took 20 minutes before I could leave behind all my insecurities and just do it. It took those 20 minutes to get over the sexual frustration left behind by Malene and while I am not 100% comfortable dominating, it felt great having someone do everything you said, sexually. She didn't want pain, nor would I do it but I was a bit mean, ordering her to do things properly, maybe humiliating her a little bit. I came a lot, just from the sheer excitement - but so did she. She had a hairtrigger, which I enjoyed immensely. You could feel the excitement of her finally getting this fantasy out in real life and she enjoyed it wasn't quiet.

It was great. When she said stop, I took the money and saw that there was a note underneath it, asking if this can happen again. I looked at her, panting in the couch and said yes, with a big smile.

I felt great. Until I stepped out of the office. I felt like everyone knew what had happened, that I was, essentially, a whore. I had done my best to fix my hair and make up, but I couldn't help but feel that there was still something, that I smelt or that the secretary had heard her. She, however, merely glanced at me as I went to the elevator.

The feeling disappeared, as I came home and started thinking about it. I felt that I would have done it, even without the money, but I certainly didn't mind having the extra cash nor the prospect of there being another time, as she really turned me on.

2 weeks after the first time, she called me. I was a bit shocked that she knew my number, but realized that I hadn't called with a hidden number in the start and I believe I called her at home at that point. Anyway, she wanted to set up another appointment and told me to get some toys, she said with a seductively kinky voice. I obliged and bought several, intended only for her and once I returned, she felt them all.

It's been 2 times since then, so 4 in total. That's 4000 every time, which meant I had a lot of money saved up, not really knowing what to do with it. I haven't spend much, in fear that someone would ask where I got all that money, but I don't really have the desire to, either. As long as I can manage.

After the last time, though - she -- let's call her Sheila -- said that she had to rethink the entire arrangement. She had been posting me off as an intern, a friend of a friend's daughter who wanted to understand a bit of the executive level of business. This is all well and good, but people started asking why I was only there so rarely and for only so "brief" periods. In my head, it made perfect sense - came after school, left to do homework, but she was one step ahead or at least at a different place completely in her head. She wanted to hire me, so I appeared officially as part of the company rather than an anonymous person coming here and there. Not to do any work, as I still was in college, but mostly as a secretary/personal aid. We both smirked when she said personal aid, but she confirmed that I wouldn't be doing any such things but I might have to come frequently and because I was hired, she wouldn't be able to not paying me either so I would get paid for my time here + the 4000. My mouth was open, but she didn't say any numbers. I said I couldn't accept it - I enjoy doing this but I can't accept such a thing. She shot me down and said we can discuss more next time.

And here I am, dear diary.