Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings

6Sep/120

At the End of my Robe – Where to Go?

Ah yes. Unemployment. I told myself I'd be quickly in a new job. Or rather, I told myself that I will be working, hopefully in my own company but alas, things never go the way I want them to. Never. I can't remember once where something actually worked out for me. I might be cynical. In fact, I know I am - since I am writing this in a terrible mood. Okay, the things that do go well, rarely last very long.

So, what's wrong now? Let's start somewhere; jobs. I don't want to be stuck in a job I hate, so I'm quite picky when it comes to job so I start looking.. except, there is essentially nothing and the ones there are, wait for it, expect a huge amount of experience or to be experienced in some odd system. I apply anyway, but it's really enough to kill any mood or hope for quickly coming into a new job.

And to just kill it all, I lack any kind of motivation and energy. I just wake up, sit and watch shows or go on reddit. Sometimes I can get myself to do something else, like cleaning or playing a game. I don't want to sleep, because - what the hell is the point. But when I sleep, I just want to keep sleeping. Yes, I know - this is essentially what depression is but I am really trying my best to get out of it. They say to do something you really burn for, but what is there? I like making website, so I've made a few but received no feedback/help from friends. I like writing, but it's hard to do with no motivation and, again, rarely any feedback/help from friends. I like playing, which puts me out of the funk for awhile but then I just get back into it when I quit. I could socialize but I feel as if I just hate people more when in this state and I don't want to do something I don't feel like and the stuff I do feel like, I can't get any people in on.

I just don't know any more.

Filed under: Personal No Comments
24Jun/120

Drupal 7: Making an “advanced” event with Ubercart

I had a very specific site I had to built for a client, one that seems to never have been done before, what from me googling myself to death and asking on drupal.org.

Essentially, what they wanted was a system where members can buy a ticket + opt in or out of eating, getting t-shirts and what have you. You'd think this was fairly straightforward, but I found that it was, in the end, quite difficult. I'd tried several approaches and all of them just seemed to fall short.

What they wanted:

  • Ticket selling with extra products, such as eating, t-shirts (So must make use of attributes)
  • A way to pull out a "list" containing what everyone bought (This could not be done with Signup, as they wanted the possibility to come with several guests if they chose)
  • A way to gather additional information, such as what kind of accomendation people required (again, just attributes - webform would have been amazing at this point. I might try and do it again with webform to see if it is possible at all, but at the time I was doing this, the ubercart integration was very basic and not easy to use as a not so tech-savvy person)
  • Full calendar system (basic stuff)
  • blahblah

This is not meant as a huge tutorial, but rather just to write out how it can be done. If necessary, I could do a step by step tutorial.

What I did was to create a new content type as well as a new product type. I called these "Events" and "Event Products". I set up the event content type with the usual stuff, such as date, description and image. Event Products I just left alone as we didn't need anything except perhaps some attributes later on.

Using Views, I made a table consisting of the event product type with the possibility to add to cart. I then attached this to the content type through Viewfield, a module that let's you attach a specific view. As I wanted to make this site as easy as possible to use, I set it to give a default value. You can expand on this with taxonomy categories and contexual filter if necessary.

To pull out the list, I set up yet another table, using the "ordered products" field as well as grouping, so the entire order and orderer only shows up once.

Filed under: Tips No Comments
20Apr/121

Finding Gaming News in the Whole Wide Web

Finding news is relatively easy - just go to a news website or turn on the telly, if you have such an atrocity. But finding news that actually matter to you can be a bit of a problem, especially if you've never really felt "in touch" with the industry as a whole. This blog will be about finding news about your favourite games from the world wide web.

Here are the sites/tools I use:

Yes, that's it.

How can this be it, you ask?

The trick here is to figure out just what the hell is interesting to me and, maybe, the viewers. Well, I know that I enjoy certain genres, such as FPS, action, strategy, RPG. I also know I only play on PC, so that is my "market" right there. From having played games, I know who the big players are. Names like Bioware, Infinity Ward, Treyarch, Blizzard are pretty much well known studios. If you're still unsure what exactly is going on in the gaming world, check out VG Releases. It's a bit of a bloated site, but it's good for finding out about new games.

Despite the massive amount of money publishers toss at marketing - today's marketing is actually going on on social media (free!). Not a lot of news comes from the publishers, but rather the developers themselves. The trick, however, is trying to figure out who exactly you should put your ear to, to catch early details on new games, patches, expansions - well before the huge media sites even pick up on it!

You can follow these companies on twitter and facebook. But, usually, these accounts are run by community managers, who answer to both the publisher as well as the developer. That means they will, most likely, only release information that's already readily available from a press conference or they will just try to be a part of the community by sharing fanmade stuff. Not exactly the best way to figure something out about an upcoming game.

Here comes the tricky part. It is quite hard to write this out, as it differs from company to company. But sometimes you can get lucky by just searching for the company's name on Twitter and suddenly you might find someone who's description says they work at studio X. Go in, see if he's written something interesting about a game or if it's just about his genitals or private life. If it's a gold mine, add him. Next, check out who he is following. Odds are that he is following other members of his team. Check their job description, game designers will usually talk about balance, gameplay elements and such. Graphic artists about art style, sound engineers about sound and so on. Some of the tweets from these guys could also include names for other people working at the same studio, so keep a watchful eye. After having done this, check your "suggestions" as well, as they look into similarities in the people you follow and find new ones based on that. Eventually, you'll have a huge network of "informants" and you're ready to play a journalist.

When I have the time for it, my usual "picking up of news" consist of this:

Going around with my normal every day whatevers, I have Tweetdeck (gives me a nice overlay with new updates) open. On this, I have my Facebook and Twitter account, where I've followed several people inside the industry (they're often more reliable to spill some information than an official developer page/account). Every now and then, a developer tosses out some information while he is working away on the game he loves. It's human nature to want to share your accomplishments with people, so it should, eventually happen.

Once I feel that I have enough information or see some sort of breaking news, I will research it a bit more. For this, I make use of wikipedia, where, usually, all the well known informations regarding the game is. This will give me a bit of a background story to write, such as a release date, genre (if I didn't already know this). Then write it out and there you have a newspost.

If I don't have the time for this, I check out news site I respect, such as Rock Paper Shotgun.

Filed under: Gaming 1 Comment
19Apr/122

TrillIT

Having been "stuck" in a workplace, where there are, more often than not, nothing to do and a dwindling desire to stay at this workplace, I had decided to look into Drupal. Drupal is a relatively famous, module-based and fairly advanced CMS and I wanted to use it to make the "next generation" community site for Havoc, a small community from a guild in World of Warcraft.

I honestly can't remember why I chose Drupal, but I knew I wanted it to be a stepping stone to learn some HTML, CSS and PHP. While I had an extensive knowledge on the first 2, I've never really been able to "click" with programming/scripting. I feel I am unable to write it but can read and, in some languages, rewrite it for my own purposes. I still feel that I can't really write it from the scratch, but I've certainly gained a deeper understanding from the year long dive into Drupal. Having fiddled with it, I realized just how damn powerful this could be for any website that want to be functional and flexible rather than just be a pretty portfolio or blog. The more I dug down into it, the more amazed I was by it's modular structure and I thoroughly enjoyed playing around with it.

It wasn't until my stepdad told me that he might have someone, who is very interested in having a new website made, that an idea hatched in my brain; I could do this as a job. I am still what you can consider an amateur, "but where there is a will, there is a way". Unphased about just how huge the new "client" was, I set to provide them with just what they want, which have been a bit of a challenge. I am about 3000 km away from them and only have my stepdad as contact with them. I am well on my way and I am enjoying every bit of the way, despite the difficulties. Everything is a learning process, which just makes it even more interesting and fun. The more I explore, the more paths open up and even more opportunities for site configuration and features dawn on me. It's fun!

An idea grew on me, sparked by friends: I want to be independent. I knew that it would take some time before I found a job I enjoy, especially with today's economy and an IT industry that wants everyone to have 3+ years of experience for an entry level position. I knew that there was a market back home. My stepdad said that he has constant offers of doing various favours for money, such as fix computers, prepare them and what have you. He's a busy man and told me that he would just tell them to contact me, once I get home. Friends also started contacting me regarding making websites for them or someone they know and it suddenly dawned on me; I just might have a market. It felt like a no brainer.

It scared me at first, but also felt liberating. The fear of no constant income was, quite frankly, a bit daunting. Thankfully, however, we actually have a welfare system that makes sure you can bounce back if everything fails. I was also told that I can actually be independent while applying for jobs, which means I can get paid by the union, while searching and working with my company. I won't tire you with the politics of it, since it will most likely change a few times over the next few years, but it means I have a very last failsafe, so I won't dig myself too far down a hole.

I have the right criterias for doing this and I have the know-how, the ability, the market (apparently) and I believe this will be a trip worth taking. I will be educating myself, which can be used in the future, through jobs I know I love doing.

Say welcome to TrillIT. 🙂

I have some things I want to do as a "company", that I think is sorely lacking from others:

Transparency. I want my prices and my methods to be as transparent as possible. I am tired of all those people trying to sell you the wrong item, just so they can get a bigger bonus or ludicrious support prices. I am one person, I only have one mouth to feed so as long as I can break even, I am quite happy. Fuck, if there is enough work, I might even become a badass boss. Who knows.

Brutal honesty. This is one that has been rough for me in other companies, because you are constantly told to make a "pretty" truth, to cover the company's ass. In my sales techniques, I've never made use of this and I've always received praise for it from costumers. If a customer wants to buy an expensive product, they deserve to know the pros and cons of it before deciding. Selling more or selling specific products to earn more should not be on the agenda at all. Just happy customers who've been told it how it is and received what they were told. This will also be apparent in anything I will take in for repairs or offer support on.

Reliability and flexibility. As a one man company with "no home", I'd want to be constantly available so the customer and I won't be further away than a phonecall. I'd also want my "opening hours" to be outside of normal work hours, so they can pick up or come by when they're actually off of work instead of afterwords. As a nightperson, this suites me very well and also means I can offer that extra edge of support. I only also have myself to answer to and I put a high standard on anything I do or offer.

As you can see, I've had plenty of time to think this all through.

Next step: Coming home.

Filed under: Personal, Project 2 Comments
16Mar/121

Dear Diary – Chapter 30

Dear diary,

I.. hm.. well, I left you off at me prostituting myself to a reasonably powerful woman and I enjoyed it. I still enjoy it, I am still doing it and I don't have any interest in stopping. I feel satisfied, sexually - but I am missing a connection emotionally. Not that I ever expected that she could fulfill such a role, but I do miss the tenderness I received from Malene back "in the days".

The "adventures" with her, .. Sheila, as we are to call her, have been pretty adventurous, to say the last. Let me explain just how an average week works out:

Monday to Friday I go to school, but Monday, Wednesday and Friday she tells me to come over immediately after. That is, to her office. During the 1-3 hours I'm there, she's locked the door, we're playing and generally walking around naked - it is essentially an office of lust at this point. Sometimes she has to answer the phone or do something urgently and I am encouraged to continue our "session", or if it drags out, either act as a secretary (she gave me a brief introduction to it, just so I can pass off as it if it came to that) or do homework. The latter 2 becomes increasingly hard, mainly because my mindset is instantly turned into sex freak as soon as I arrive and she loves it. I am all out dominating, which makes for interesting phone conversation (granted, this is only when she gives me the get go to "interrupt"). A lot of toys get used every time and I've even had to replace several, as they just wore down - which is insane, I've never thought that could happen.

But, a few weeks ago, she suddenly had to go out of town for a lot of meetings over the weekend. She asked me to come with as a secretary, with a wink on her face and a smirk, but I wasn't sure if I could spend an entire weekend with someone I barely know (except I know her body almost perfectly - what felt good and what didn't, which I suppose is my job now). I tried to shrug it off with excuses that she would be in meetings all the time and that I wouldn't have anything to do but somehow got me convinced by using the words "Come on, it'll be fun.".. yeah, fun it was.

I had packed my bags, given a convenient lie to Malene, who I barely saw anyway and went with her. The car ride there, in her pretty BMW, was pretty much silent. We've never had the chance to small talk, other than dirty talk or to discuss the arrangement of our "deal". During this ride, I immediately regretted going and knew that this would be the most awkward weekend in my life. I blamed myself, mostly, being terrible at small talk - but someone I knew so intimately and yet rarely knew is a very .. special social encounter. I had little interest in her work, though I admired her since she is essentially the wheel that keeps the business turning, she is pretty, can stand on her own damn legs and has an amazing body for her age (late 30s).

As we rolled up to our destination, I realized I hadn't really asked the important question: Where. That where turned out to be the most prestigious, luxury hotel in the entire country. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she had given me several business suits, much like hers, to wear at such occasions - but I could not feel more out of place anywhere than right there, as we stood in the reception, checking in. I held my bags, while trying to look as small as possible, as fat business men looked at me in my tight skirt as she checked in. A loud ding pulled me back to the real world as a man asked to take my bags. Reluctantly, I gave them over, thinking they were my last defense in a society run by the richest and horniest of them all. In the elevator, the deafening silence made me make up my mind and come clean about this to her, I know she is reasonable so I figured she'd be able to see it from my point of view. But, as we entered the hotel room, I was hit in the face with just what kind of luxury money can buy.

Thinking back, I probably decided to "abuse" this opportunity, but all I merely did was do what Sheila wanted me to do; enjoy myself as well as take care of her. I got paid a lot of money for this weekend as well as felt luxury close to my body. I do not come from poor qualms, but having a Jacuzzi, sauna, huge shower, huge TV with what-have-you extras, huge bed, huge room, the best kind of food a phone call away and the best view I have ever seen is .. relatively memorable, to say the least. I barely moved outside of the room.

Sheila had to go to a meeting as she arrived, to introduce herself and make sure everyone is here she said, and asked me to go with her. I wasn't sure - I was still extremely shy and didn't really know the agenda that usually happens at such meetings, but she took my hand, gave me a tender, lustful kiss and I followed blindly. The meeting was with some of the guys I saw down in the reception. Sheila and I were the only females there and I immediately felt that everyone was looking at both me and her. I was later told that there isn't much of a professional routine during the introduction meeting, so she usually got a glimpse of just how male dominated and perverted the big suits are, which made her quite happy that she finally had somehow to get these frustrations out with me being there. She also indulged that several of them had tried to get her drunk and sleep with them and had generally received the idea that most of them think that a woman should be in the kitchen or on their dicks.

All of them were from very very big companies and the meeting was apparently about a new law that would change a few things for them. The proper meeting itself would start Saturday morning, which meant Sheila and I had the rest of the day off. This being Friday evening.

Ah hell, might as well explain everything that happened this weekend, if just to relive the memories.

After getting "acquainted" with the room and all it's locations for .. fun and having studied the content of one of my bags, Sheila told me that we needed to loosen up. I agreed and said that I have felt that I don't really know you well enough to small talk or just generally chat. She nodded and agreed and said she also saw me as a friend as well as .. well, what I am. A prostitute, a lover for money. Her lover, though. I was, however, glad to hear that and smiled. I felt the same to her, which isn't hard when you spend 3 days a week with her, especially in the way we spend time together.

We ended up in the hotel's bar downstairs, downing everything the bar had while she was telling stories about the other guys she were meeting her. While I usually don't like backtalk, it was nice to hear them being knocked down a notch, so they don't seem so intimidating to me. We got very drunk very fast. Suddenly she wanted to try out some fun publicly, so we were suddenly kissing madly at one of the hotel's toilets. Thankfully, no one were there, since she was extremely loud for maybe there was just a big echo inside that huge toilet.

At around 3 in the morning, we decided to call it quits, so we slurried our way to an elevator, where we, as intoxicated as we were, kissed passionately. Suddenly, however, I noticed out of the corner of my eyes about 6 of the suits with a big grin on their face, looking at us. They were drunk, most of them, but as Sheila noticed them, she merely winked and smiled at them and kissed me again, fondling my breast. They were visibly affected by this but luckily, our elevator arrived and we hurried in before they could enter. She continued feeling me up, taking the initiative, which she rarely does except if I command it, in the elevator and eventually I found myself in the bed, exhausted, drunk, dizzy yet smiling with Sheila snoring next to me.

Next day, she had a hangover. I was more lucky. But, she then remembered what happened and started to become unlike something I have ever seen in her before; she became uncertain and almost panicked. The woman who is so constantly in control was struck by uncertainty about how her "unprofessional actions" could change her career in the meeting. I hoped she was just speaking out loud because I had absolutely no idea how to help her out in this. I hugged her, however, and gave her a reassuring kiss, like a girlfriend would, rather than a lover. She cooled down a bit, kissed me back and went to the meeting after a quickie in the shower.

Thankfully, according to her, the meeting went professionally. No one questioned her power, but she could feel that everybody there knew her .. tendencies. The uncertainty this gave made her feel powerless and she wasn't sure if it'd stay with them or move around and eventually come back to her own company.

But, here is the amazing thing about Sheila. She only thinks about it a few times before knowing she can't do anything right now. She doesn't break down due to uncertainty, but rather keeps on going until she is forced to stop. I admire that. Oh, I admire that. I wish I could be like that but this just shows how she became so successful and I am fairly certain it took a lot of sacrifice to arrive where she is at. Essentially, this was once I realized that I was very fascinated, even cared for this woman. She was the direct opposite of Malene, didn't need help to stand up, took what she wanted and pushed herself to reach her goals. I didn't need to support her, but granted, we didn't have the emotional connection - this is purely me whoring myself out to her. And getting paid for it. I started to feel bad about getting paid for something I'd do if she asked, at this point. I enjoyed it just as much as she did, I didn't see it as a job and she is my only client.

Saturday went with sex. A lot of sex. Everywhere. Again. It was relaxing and fun. She told me to dominate her completely so she didn't have to think about anything else than please her "mistress", as she called me in those situations. Roomservice was ordered and we ate it while sitting in the jacuzzi, watching TV. It was intense, amazing. I wanted to tell her about my predicaments, but I didn't want to stop this "dream", I was having. This was even better than the best sexual dream I've had. We went at it until we fell asleep in each others arms.

We had to be out reasonably early the next day, so there wasn't a lot of anything, except cleaning my "baggage" and packing. Sheila was mostly quiet, but pinched me every now and then for fun with a wink and a smile. I told myself that I would tell her when we were in the car. And I did. On the way back, I breathed in and told her everything I have been thinking about; regarding her paying me for something I'd do free, telling her that if she needed any sort of emotional help, I'd be there and just .. I dunno. I couldn't stop talking and eventually she pulled over and stopped the car and said: "Look, you're not exactly 18, are you?" I didn't know what to respond to this, other than blush and feel like the most guilty person in the world. She, thankfully, continued "I know that, you're doing school work not exactly at an 18 plus level. But," I had to look away at this point, because I could feel on her that she was emotional - not the calculated genius on two long, pretty legs she usually is. This weekend tore a lot on her and here I am, blabbering teenage shit at her - when I could have just had a regular conversation about this "job". "I think I need to pay you, to cover up my guilt about sleeping with someone who isn't over 18. I know it's not illegal here, but there is a reason I wanted it as distant as possible." She sighed. "But I've taken a liking to you." I looked back at her. She had tears in her eyes. I only muttered "likewise". She sniffled up, took a deep breath and then said in her professional, calculated voice: "I will stop paying you out of my personal pocket, but still keep you on the company's, if that is alright - you'll be paid overtime for accompanying me here, of course. I will keep inviting you to the office when I am able, but other than that, I think you are very welcome in my home." She ended with my name, said very softly. It made my heart beat faster. I think this is the start of our relationship. I nodded.

As I said, this had been a few weeks ago. In this time, quite a few things have been happening. The kiss she shared with me did hit her, as one of the guys attending the meeting contacted her about him "keeping quiet". Sheila, however, have been able to get dirt on all of the ones who saw us, and told him this. She told me later, in confidence, that the dirt on that guy was after a "business" trip to Thailand, he'd been seen with a less than legal prostitute. I still visit her at the office, mainly sex, though the days have been more irregular, since she is the one calling me when she have some time available. This weekend, she asked me if I wanted to get a tour of her house. I happily accepted.

Till next time, dear diary.

Filed under: Dear Diary 1 Comment
8Mar/120

Aquaria Review

There are very few games that have drawn me in so quickly as Aquaria did and looking at it, I can’t say anything to that other than it is beyond charming and an exceptionally beautiful ride in a gorgeous world of emotions, song, loneliness and adventure.

At first glance, this indie title seemed a bit technical backwards and limited but that was a short lived thought, as the music, the story, the atmosphere of the ocean, the sounds, the wild life and everything gets together and just brings you into this magical game that can best be described as a mixture between a platform game and Ecco the Dolphin. It is very unique in it’s execution as well, providing an interesting control setup which I have never seen before, which really enhances the beauty of the game, through the slick - yet simple - animations.

Throughout the game, you explore Naija’s travels through figuring out life’s questions, as to why she is, figuring new sides of herself while exploring the ancient and beautiful ocean, defeating it’s more hostile creatures and solving puzzles.

It’s a very long game, especially if you want to figure out all the secrets of the world of Aquaria. I pretty much tried to go straight through it but was often interrupted by the beautiful, awe-inspiring graphics and a sense of exploration. I wanted to explore more, I wanted to see the end of Naija’s journeys and it did not disappoint one bit.

One of it’s very few weakpoints are, however, the very difficult bosses which are enhanced in difficulty as the save points in the game are very far inbetween, meaning a death could mean a lot of backtracking. But the boss fights are unique, interesting and the sense of constant danger in these waters just adds to the lonely atmosphere of the game.

I give it a hearty recommendation to those who appreciate a great story with an amazing and unique presentation, which will haunt you for a very long time. Aquaria is yet another one of those indie games that should be praised as being intuitive, even despite it’s humble engine, which understands the limitations of the small crew and even shines through it.

Pick this up, even if just to support the development of such games that dares to try.

Filed under: Gaming, Reviews No Comments
2Feb/120

750 Words and Three Words Challenge: Vengeance for a Crime – Robotic – Priest

The first thing they teach you as a priest is to forgive. Forgiveness. To forgive everyone who wants to repent, who wants to shred them of their sins. At least, that's the Christian faith. When something bad happens, it is "God works in mysterious ways.", when one of their own is hurt, it's all part of God's divine plan. I was hurt. I am a priest. They told me just that and I got pissed. They told me to consult the book of the Lord to get rid of my anger. I tried. It helped for a bit. I found solace in a book. Heh, it sounds so petty when I say it out loud. Yet, there is so much anger in God's divine plan. God's anger. Why is he allowed when I am not? Weren't we created in his image? It didn't make much sense. It never made sense, but I just accepted it.

When the guy who hurt me, made me into what I am, got off in the court. Insufficient evidence that he was there at the time. I became angry. No, I became beyond angry. I was filled with rage. I held myself together in the court, but the way he stared at me as the judge said that the case was dismissed made my Christian heart rotten. My arm twitched. My robotic arm, which he had indirectly given to me, twitched so hard that I couldn't control it. It pulled in every remaining muscle in my entire body and I couldn't stop it. I panicked and fell over in the court in a yell of rage and panic.

The doctors told me that they honestly had no idea what would trigger such a thing and shrugged it off as nerves being triggered by the anger. To change the subject, one of them asked me when I would come back to the church. I recognized him, little Stanley, all grown up now. Imagine, he believes every bit of bullshit that book had said. He still attended before my injury. To calm him, I said soon but that was a fat lie. My first lie I can ever remember. It felt.. satisfying.

Ever since the surgery, that "saved my life", I had looked at myself in the mirror naked. The cold metallic arms, the metallic leg stared back at me. I had done my best to cover them up when out in public, but they felt so alien to me. They felt just like arms, everything I did worked the way it should but this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to get hurt. Why did he hurt me? Why did he get let go? Evidence? I saw everything, isn't that enough?! I FELT EVERYTHING! The noise of the saw against my bones still runs through my head. I still wake up in sweat every night. His insane voice, whispering that he enjoys destroying something so pure booming in my ears. He was let lose and it could happen again, another priest could get hurt - fuck, even a child. I stunned myself. I had never cursed before, not even in my mind. I destroyed the mirror in disgust.

I honestly don't remember when I started laying the plans. I think it was mostly done in a haze and when I woke up, I had everything I needed right in front of me. I was in front of his apartment and knew he wouldn't be home for at least an hour. That cop was especially helpful after I slipped a few Benjamins and he jabbed away for a good 10 minutes about just about everything related to the case. I don't think he recognized me or he simply didn't care, or fuck, even wanted me to utilize my own sense of personal judgement upon him.

His door was unlocked, as the cop said. The apartment was dirty as hell, no sane person could live here. I was disgusted just being in the room and thought about abandoning the plan but then I heard him. He was right outside the door, breathing heavily. Flashbacks of the incident flashed through my brain and suddenly I held him high in the air, my robotic arms around his throat and my blood boiling. How could such scum be allowed to live on God's Earth, the sanity questioned my insanity. He couldn't breath at all. I could feel his windpipe was almost broke underneath my thumbs. In a surge of red anger, I crushed his neck and threw him out of the window. My red and grey world turned white instantly. It was beautiful.

Filed under: Short Stories No Comments
1Feb/120

Skyrim Review

I've always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with The Elder Scrolls games. It is one of those series that is infamously known to be completely tedious and dull without mods, mainly because the game has a lot of shortcomings. But that haven't really stopped me from completing Oblivion several times (or rather, just play all the side quests and completely ignore the ghastly main story). Morrowind, however, will always be the unpolished gem of the series for me - up until Skyrim came out.

Skyrim does a lot of things right, but while it improves upon the terrible design choices of Oblivion, it certainly hasn't removed them at all or made them perfect and in that sense, it still feels like an Elder Scrolls game, in the worst kind of way.

Let's just get the huge elephant out of the room and focus on the terrible stuff of Skyrim:

Characters. There isn't one character I care about and it seems that Bethesda is unable to actually create such a thing. They've made several main characters with a decent background, but it falls flat on it's face in execution. I can't quite put my finger on it, but part of it might be because of the voiceover. While they all are quite experienced and even famous, it just sounds like a professional read off a script. Not a whole lot of power or emotion behind the words and I feel, at times, the game wouldn't HURT from being purely text only, if it did so I didn't have to hear the same damn voiceover say the same damn thing over and over again. I grew tired of hearing the same guy do voiceover for another character and I occasionally thought "Oh, not him again." Granted, it is a lot better than it was in Oblivion, but it is still nowhere good enough. I am unsure if the problem is poor dialog writing or the voice over - but unless the NPC is offering you a quest where someone near them died, it seems to be emotionless. The only memorable characters are the dragons and the all too neutral Grey Beards.

Storyline. While a whole lot more interesting than, the storyline still suffers from predictability and pointlessness, much like in Oblivion. No one seems to be too worried about dragons after you have, in fact, shown them that they exist. Your mission? Stop them. Oh well, how do I do that? Oh, there is this big guy - I must find a way to kill him. Done and done. There are no twists, there is nothing to gain, there is nothing to lose from not doing it - it is just fairly straightforward. Now, what they seem to get, are the sidequests - especially the ones for shady corporations such as Thieves Guild and The Dark Brotherhood. They are still as spectacular and interesting as in Oblivion, but more have joined the fray. The more interesting ones, are the ones regarding actual Elder Scrolls lore - where do all these damn ruins come from, where did they go, etc. and we seem to slowly come to a conclusion to this.

Combat. Combat is uninspired and tedious at times. It's exactly as any other TES games, except with a bit more fluid magic system - but no improvements at all have been made, to make it less about guffing down health potions constantly and whacking at an enemy until the health bar is empty. The best way to play, for me, seems to be to absolutely avoid the combat system by using sneak attack and one shot kills with my assassin. Sure, it's the easy, sneaky way out - but combat can become boring and just a bit too much.

So, with that elephant shooed out the door, we can finally talk about everything Skyrim did right:

The world. Bethesda have, once again, created a vibrant, beautiful world. The nature is breathtaking, the waterfalls amazing, the views mesmerizing and the sounds thrilling. The first time you stand on the peak of a mountain with the wind howling around you, you can't help but freeze. The immersion is amazing, everything feels so fluid and spot on - it's not even odd that there is a few dungeons a stones throw from you, where ever you are. That mixed with the AI system Bethesda have honed since Oblivion, you can meet hunters, couriers, adventurers and groups of soldiers hunting, going to places, adventuring and patrolling. You only see them fleetingly, but you can't help but feel that they are there, because they have a purpose. It fills up the world a bit more, other than having to run into baddies around every corner and it really gives you a sense of a dynamic world.

Hm. Now I am sitting here, thinking if the world is really the only great thing about this game and, the more I think about it, yes - yes it is. But it is such a major point of the game, that it is okay. Bethesda have, once again, created a foundation of a game, mods will make even more amazing. While one can be a bit angry or disappointed about the game's shortcomings, the possibility of mods fixing it all is both exciting and a bit shameful. Shameful that Bethesda have to rely on mods to create the ultimate experience but exciting that they allow it, even support it.

I'll give this a game a good recommendation. It's a solid game in it's own merit, but not amazing or something that will provoke a lot of emotions. And, it's apparently a game that all the jocks play, like Modern Warfare, so you won't have to feel like such a nerd for playing it and talking about it over the watercooler.

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26Jan/120

Dear Diary – Chapter 29

Dear diary,

Once again, I have gone a long time with not updating you. I can give you the usual excuses, but it's can really all be summed up to one thing: Life. Life happened, life is happening and life happens. To go more in details; drama, school, fitting in, not getting stepped on. Since last time, I've started in "college", the quotation marks meaning that our school system is different than English school systems. At first, it was exciting and great to get to know new people but the excitement was shortlived. Much like high school, college seems to be about popularity and beauty. There is a constant contest among the more popular and pretty girls and they have somehow managed to include me, which I assume means that I am considered attractive. Not the best way to be told this, but I felt a bit flattered, despite being constantly snarled at for all my "abnormal" movements, such as studying hard, trying to stay on the teacher's good sides and not coming off as, well, a blonde - pardon the term. I use this word because they are blonde and they are acting the very stereotypical way as often portrayed in the media. Sorry about being so freaking posh about my wordings but writing it down that way makes it possible to elaborate a lot more while talking normally. Something I was taught by a teacher.

I suppose I really have to start with the beginning. The tent trip never happened, Malene started dating older guys she found on the internet and I thought at first that it was just for sex, but she became quite serious with this guy, 41 year old. I told her to be careful, but she is head over heels for him -- like she was me at one point. Sigh. I do miss her, but she only shows up for school to not get into any troubles and rarely listens or studies. I have all but given up on her and just keep my mind away from her, which is easier said than done. She's sorely missed or, rather, the Malene I used to know is sorely missed..

Start of the college was eventful, with a lot of parties to get to know each other. A lot of guys hit on me at those parties, probably thinking of establishing a rumor but I had, obviously, my eye out for something else. At that time, though, it was mostly to socialize and make friends - not date. Malene, at these times, were quite.. easy, kissing and being with just about everyone who made advances - which was quite a few, according to her when she shared her tales of the nightlife. I don't blame her, though, as I probably would have done the same thing, if I had a different mindset and was in a room with lusty lesbians. I've been quite.. hungry for sex, but I just enjoyed myself with myself and figured I had my priorities set up properly. Skip forth 5-6 months and jumping over the drama and popularity contests, where I mostly tried to avoid confrontations and provoking the more competitive girls - I felt like I had found a proper place in the class. Not many noticed me, I had friends I chatted with at school and my grades were at the top, due to my hard work. I was content with myself, but wanted to date as well - or be a functioning teenager. One can only feel a bit abnormal when everyone else does something else, but after chats with my parents, most people seem to have a wild first year at college and the rest of the years will be more about school than party and socializing. Don't get me wrong, I go to the parties I am invited to, but looking around at everyone having that much more fun, while you're just having a bit of fun makes you wonder if you are broken or have the wrong mindset.

So, I started looking around on where the hell to start dating girls. Most dating sites are 18+ and even though I have created accounts on them, I can't seem to find anything within my age group, which is obvious as I am too young. I've tried several forums for lesbians but I am just too .. or rather, I feel too awkward to be a part of such a community, as I don't even feel like I have come to terms with it myself. I was afraid that I'd just be someone's "sexual experience", like Malene and I feel like I have already been scared enough with her relationship - so I went in heads first.. with just sex. Nothing else. This next part is kind of embarrassing to write, since it goes against a lot of what I originally thought were my .. morals.

One boring night in November, I was scouring the internet. I honestly can't remember how I stumbled across it, but it was a site with ads, such as selling and buying various goods. Included on this site, was a more .. personal part of it, asking or selling sexual favours. Yes, you heard me right. I was so intrigued by this, most likely because of my self-loathing and horny mood I was in, that I began looking around. While it was mostly men there, I did, however, find a few interesting ads asking for a girl. One peeked my interest, because it was especially asking for young looking girl, which meant I could get away with me being the age I was. And I had to admit I had a thing for older ladies ever since having a fling with that mother. Or rather, I was probably more interested in someone experienced rather than one on my own age who'd probably be too "innocent".

Now, here is the kicker. I contacted her. I didn't hand over a real name or age, but just said I was interesting in fulfilling her fantasy; to be dominated by a young girl. She said she wants to pay 4000 per time. PER TIME. She didn't want this to be a one time thing. And 4000? How often? My brain couldn't comprehend all the information at once, so I hastily said yes and asked about where and how. She had thought about this for a long time, because nothing was left to coincidence. She was also very direct and didn't share any details that wouldn't be about the meeting; who she is, why she is doing this, why we are meeting at her work. Well, she did explain the latter as in that she is the head of a big company, so she has a big office and can't really meet anywhere else.

I felt exhausted, excited and nervous when I put the phone down. We were meeting soon, 2 days afterwards. She said to come as I am, innocent and all - putting emphasis on the innocent. But I couldn't help but wear the best I have, which I usually wear at parties, but didn't want to be too revealing, thinking that'd be innocent - but still a bit provocative. I couldn't help but smirk at the thought of dominating an older woman.

The day arrived, I arrived after changing after school and went into the building. It was a very well known company and I had walked past it many times before. I said I had a meeting with the boss, obviously saying her real name - but I don't want to disclose it here, and the receptionist said I must be the new intern. I coughed a bit but went on with it and was told to just go straight up. She even had her own secretary, who also addressed me as the new intern. I had kind of hoped for a wink from her, knowing that she was in on this, but she played it off professionally, as she called her over the speaker. Her office was huge, with a big desk in the middle, several couches as well as what I can only think is a conference table off to the side. There were papers just about everywhere, but stacked neatly.

Her.. well, as I approached her, I could barely see her, hidden behind a screen and several stacks of paper but she stood up with a smile and winked as she greeted me as the intern. She was.. well, breathtaking. She wore a professional business suit with a skirt, long legs, great hips, her curves were just like they should be and she just looked perfection, with a few wrinkles in her face, blonde hair and a professional attitude surrounding her. You could feel that she is in control of herself and her intelligence almost oozed out into the room from her posture and body language. She had fought her way to be here. Obviously, I didn't think any of this while I was standing there, I was too busy focusing on myself, keeping myself in control, not running for the door and doing the alien thing of dominating. I could count on two hands how many times I've had sex and here I was, about to dominate another woman. She gave me her hand, opened up a drawer and put down 4000 (that is in our valuta) in 100 bills and said the words "I am yours, don't worry - no one can hear us."

It took 20 minutes before I could leave behind all my insecurities and just do it. It took those 20 minutes to get over the sexual frustration left behind by Malene and while I am not 100% comfortable dominating, it felt great having someone do everything you said, sexually. She didn't want pain, nor would I do it but I was a bit mean, ordering her to do things properly, maybe humiliating her a little bit. I came a lot, just from the sheer excitement - but so did she. She had a hairtrigger, which I enjoyed immensely. You could feel the excitement of her finally getting this fantasy out in real life and she enjoyed it wasn't quiet.

It was great. When she said stop, I took the money and saw that there was a note underneath it, asking if this can happen again. I looked at her, panting in the couch and said yes, with a big smile.

I felt great. Until I stepped out of the office. I felt like everyone knew what had happened, that I was, essentially, a whore. I had done my best to fix my hair and make up, but I couldn't help but feel that there was still something, that I smelt or that the secretary had heard her. She, however, merely glanced at me as I went to the elevator.

The feeling disappeared, as I came home and started thinking about it. I felt that I would have done it, even without the money, but I certainly didn't mind having the extra cash nor the prospect of there being another time, as she really turned me on.

2 weeks after the first time, she called me. I was a bit shocked that she knew my number, but realized that I hadn't called with a hidden number in the start and I believe I called her at home at that point. Anyway, she wanted to set up another appointment and told me to get some toys, she said with a seductively kinky voice. I obliged and bought several, intended only for her and once I returned, she felt them all.

It's been 2 times since then, so 4 in total. That's 4000 every time, which meant I had a lot of money saved up, not really knowing what to do with it. I haven't spend much, in fear that someone would ask where I got all that money, but I don't really have the desire to, either. As long as I can manage.

After the last time, though - she -- let's call her Sheila -- said that she had to rethink the entire arrangement. She had been posting me off as an intern, a friend of a friend's daughter who wanted to understand a bit of the executive level of business. This is all well and good, but people started asking why I was only there so rarely and for only so "brief" periods. In my head, it made perfect sense - came after school, left to do homework, but she was one step ahead or at least at a different place completely in her head. She wanted to hire me, so I appeared officially as part of the company rather than an anonymous person coming here and there. Not to do any work, as I still was in college, but mostly as a secretary/personal aid. We both smirked when she said personal aid, but she confirmed that I wouldn't be doing any such things but I might have to come frequently and because I was hired, she wouldn't be able to not paying me either so I would get paid for my time here + the 4000. My mouth was open, but she didn't say any numbers. I said I couldn't accept it - I enjoy doing this but I can't accept such a thing. She shot me down and said we can discuss more next time.

And here I am, dear diary.

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7Nov/11Off

07-11-2011 – Another Personal Update

Alright - an update. No stories this time around as I have been fairly busy.
Life in Ireland have been .. tough, I suppose, on the old noggin'. The pointlessness of work seemed to be so heavy on my shoulders that I had a fast growing feeling of homesickness. It was unbearable on days and I felt that I was very close to just moving back home. There are no new internal positions within my job, so I am stuck in a place that feels more like factory work than actual support. I know that the entire foundation of this place is built up on making every task so easy, that it can easily be done by someone who've only read the work instructions - but that is really not the way an interesting job should be. That's a job for people who don't care about their jobs or don't have an education in this field. These entry level position just feels like slaving for little money and for not much of a purpose. It's quite obvious that the skilled people are shooed away, while the asskissers are getting jobs they never should have had in the first place.

Just today, they confirmed there won't be any open positions before the first quarter of 2012, so right now, I am just taking each day as it comes. This have been surprisingly easy, mainly because I have found a girl. I've never clicked so well with anyone before, so it feels quite amazing. From the start, everything just felt right with this person, no matter what we did. People tell me that I have been smiling all of last week and I can only nod and say, yeah - that's because there is something to smile about. It's only been a week, yet just being with her is enough for me to not be bored. She is very easy to talk to, have an amazingly open mind and we share a lot of opinions and thoughts. Ah, I could talk about her for a long time but it matters little to no one else but me. Long story short, I found someone and she makes me quite happy, thank you. The smile on my lips? Entirely because of her and my homesickness have been swept away.

Ireland have gotten very cold lately, mainly because of a consistent blue sky, and here I thought I was prepared. I even ordered an expensive jacket to wear! But has it arrived yet? Hell no - so I am stuck wearing what can mostly be described as a hoodie and wear gloves, which is kind of rough when it's freezing outside. Dublin, however, is quite beautiful with a blue sky above it. There aren't many tall buildings, so you always feel like you can see the sky, which is great in such a cultural city, which just becomes even more beautiful with a light-blue background. Doesn't necessarily mean that I have been doing anything in the city, however, as I have been *ahem* busy.

I will be heading back towards Denmark on the 10th, for a friend's wedding - so if anyone wants to hook up on the 12th, please holler.

That is all, be seeing you. 🙂

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