29/06-2010 20:17
Dear diary,
The summer vacation finally came, at long last, and with it, amazing weather. Blue sky, high temperatures, sun and everything that comes with it. Cafés, ice cream, shopping and everybody appears to be happy and smiling. My smiles have, sadly, been forced unless I am together with Malene. And today, our grand plan of fun started.
Friday, the last day of school, ended in a big party at a classmate's house. I didn't drink a lot but Malene was dead drunk, so I had to take her home. She copped a feel several times, mumbling something about "everybody is envious of your great body, ya know" and then that she was sorry. I don't mind it and I told her. She seemed glad by that. But other than that, it was a relatively eventless day/night. I noticed there was a lot of class mates who got together - lots of kissing and couples disappearing. I somewhat envied them but knew I had Malene and she had a way to kind of kill those "desires" to be with someone. I was told, by her, that a few guys were looking at me and had been asking about me. She had, jokingly, said that I was hers, which I giggled at and played a bit with the idea - but it just made them go for someone else to ask. I do recall someone coming up to me, awkwardly, giving me a drink and asking me to dance. I said I don't really dance and then he went away. Oh well, can't blame a guy for trying! It was kind of cute how nervous he was and I couldn't help that he had no reason to be nervous. Worst thing he could get is a no, right?
Saturday and Sunday were relatively uneventful, as Malene was at home. No school meant no homework so I didn't know what to do other than watch TV.
Monday: Malene came with a huge bag full of clothes. She was practically moving in for the week! We started on our plan immediatly and after she had changed and showered, we headed out. The weather was amazing so we decided that we wanted to go to the beach instead. We started with the cinema trip first since we figured it'd be too hot on the beach. We didn't really want to watch anything that was currently going, so we just on a random movie. It turned out to be The A-Team. Boy movie! But it was fun. We were being girly girls, chatted, giggled and tossed popcorn at each other - we were the only ones in there, so we could get away with it! At around 4, we arrived at the beach. People were slowly packing and going home, which meant we had most of the beach to us. We decided to just take in the sun, sunbathe, not care about anything and enjoy ourselves.
Eventually, we figured out that we were actually alone on the beach. Malene pointed out that it was a relatively secluded beach so no one would be able to see us. Not knowing why she would say that, I just gave her a puzzled look but I was about to get wiser. She smiled at me, then took the rest of her clothes off (only bra and underwear at this point) and ran into the water. She called to me to come over. I undressed, ran to her and jumped into the waves, next to her. It was quite warm, but she came over to me and wanted a hug. I hugged her, face to face and she gently kissed me. I was a bit shocked, but then kissed her back. We stopped and she just smiled at me. I love that damn smile. We kept playing around in the water until the sun had set and then my mother came and picked us up. We fell asleep right away.
30/06-2010 23:46
Tuesday: Woke up early and went to the shopping mall as it opened. Neither of us had a lot of money so we just went out to do something. It was a lot of fun. At around 4, we decided to go home after a quick visit to Blockbuster. We borrowed a couple of movies and Malene kept telling us to get a porno while giggling at the images at the back. We rented it but we never really got around to watching it. As we came back, it was still super hot outside and we both went for a shower together to remove the sweat. We didn't feel like getting dressed so we just popped on a big shirt, made popcorn and grabbed soda and began watching random movies. Malene fell asleep quickly, leaning against me. She is still asleep next to me as I write this. She is really cute and she must be dreaming something great as she is smiling.
Oh well, that's enough for me today. Good night.
01/07-2010 21:53
Wednesday: I didn't really look forward to today but Malene insisted. I haven't thought about her or being generally sad while Malene was here, so I kind of hoped that she could be a buffer in me getting a break down on Sus' grave. I wanted to push it as far back on the day as possible, while Malene wanted it to be straight away so we could talk about it afterwards, if necessary. She has turned out to be my therapist, it would seem. I, reluctantly, agreed with her and we went. Just as we approached the graveyard, I was in tears. I tried to hide it from Malene but she grabbed my hand and held it tight while forcing me ahead. I felt a bit foolish, but I just started talking to the grave and it brought me a bit of peace. Malene just sat quietly, with tears coming down her cheek. I pulled her over and hugged her and we cried a bit together. We both felt great afterwards.
We walked away, hand in hand, but neither of us felt like going to the planned football match. We just walked for a bit, with no destination, and then found a bench. Then Malene began to talk. She have held it in for a long time I will write it down as best as I can (Hooray for a great memory, but also because it struck me so hard): "Remember when I told you that it was tough for me to see the most stable person I know, fall so hard? It made me think. A lot. I promised I'd help you out to the best extend of what I can, because you are my best friend but it also made me realize just how quick life can end." she said this with a sob, I moved over to pull her in closer. "So I knew that I had to do what I want, while I still can. Just this week, ya know - I wanted to run into the ocean naked and I got my best friend to follow. I wanted to hug my best friend and I did... I.." she hesitated "wanted to kiss my best friend and I did. But nothing I have done yet, with you, was met with anger or anything." At this point, I kind of knew where the conversation was going but it never came to that. She plainly just asked me "What are we? What are we doing?". I responded with: "We are living life and doing what we want." I told her I could never get angry at her and she could do whatever she wants to do. She responded with a kiss. I noticed a few people looking and pointing, so we went home afterwards. I still feel the kiss on my lips.
She is a tired one, this girl. She fell asleep as we lay down on the bed. I had thought we needed to talk more, but I am glad we didn't have to. I am still not sure what she would think. On one side, I think she'd be okay with and .. we might start dating? I don't know. On another hand, the pessimistic one, I could lose her as a friend. I would have no one left who are close to me.
Good night, diary.
03/07-2010 19:56
Dear diary,
I feel .. tingly. Warm, with butterflies in my stomach, constantly sighing with relief and happiness. I feel like I am floating, I feel like I can conquer the world. I feel accepted, cared about and loved. I am constantly smiling. I simply cannot stop.
I feel happy.
25/03-2010 16:54
Dear diary,
I am having problems with keeping you update as of late. Hopefully thing should slow down soon enough, so we can go back to the boring "This is how my day went". But I promised you to continue on my tales from this weekend.
As I wrote, me and Sus were standing outside the party. It looked like she was about to cry. I offered her my jacket, which she took, then smiled at me. I asked her what was going on and as always, she just shrugged. She is so obviously out of it, yet still doesn't want to say why. I went in to get her a soda, then came out. She was sitting against the wall now, looking a bit stronger. She had a few tears on her cheeks. Like someone who just realized that everything is alright, after all. I sat down next to her, giving her the soda. She said I knew her so well and gave me a little hug. She started talking. She said that Martin didn't feel comfortable about what her parents were doing and was trying to push the relationship ahead to the actual.. fucking, as she delightfully said. She giggled a bit at her use of word. Again, we were crossing into a field I know nothing about, so I just let her talk. She continued by saying that she said she wasn't sure about it and that it was too early for her. Martin kept pressuring her and as he got more drunk, he even tried to grope on her and put his hand down her underwear, while muttering that he would love to have "that hot girlfriend of yours join in". Meaning me. I blushed a bit at that, my mind suddenly thinking what that would be like. Sus pulled me back to reality with a sob and I just held an arm around her, hugging her gently. She hugged back and said thank you, that she felt a lot better now. I said I wish I could help somehow. She then asked me if I had wanted to pursue any of the guys in there. She said she was talking to a guy who really wanted my phone number, then she described her. It was the exact guy who had been staring at me all day. Apparently his name was Simon. I told her how he had just been staring at me all day and that he made me feel very uncomfortable. What a creep, she replied and then shrugged at it. Then asked if there was absolutely no one I was interested in. I opened my mouth, without knowing what to say, but then Malene came out with 3 drinks handed them to us. I tried it, a sweet raspberry flavor, which I gulped down quickly. I coughed when the after taste of spirits hit me. The others laughed at me, I blushed. This was my first, proper, alcoholic drink and I liked it. I loosened up, too.
We went inside, Sus tried to keep to me and Malene and just eyed Martin from a distance. I think he could feel how badly he messed up, because he didn't do much at all but have a sad look in his eyes. Malene asked me to come to get some more drinks.. little did I know about the game I was about to walk into. As we walked up to the bar, I vaguely saw a sign that said "Free drinks for kissing girls". Before I thought about it, Malene had pressed her lips tenderly against mine, I was shocked - but suppose I should have seen it coming. The guys hanging out in the bar was hooting at it and drinks were poured once again. Malene smiled at me when the kiss was broken and whispered "Three". I smiled back and nodded, flushed and blushing still. I took the drinks and tried to find Sus. She wasn't where she were before. I told Malene that we should find her - she agreed. She, too, have noticed that Sus is a bit out of it.
She was impossible to find. Martin was gone as well, so we asked around. They just said they saw them take off together but no one knew where. I called Martin but he didn't answer. Nothing we could do but stay here and be available when she returned. Malene kept coming with drinks. Apparently they were still free a couple of hours after we kissed, so we cheered to that. I quickly got slightly drunk, since I was unexperienced and decided it was best I just sat in a couch where my balance skills wouldn't be put to a test. Malene was very "loving" and just sat closed to me, almost cuddling against me. We just talked drunkenly, something about couches if I remember correctly. I, again, noticed the guy who had been staring at me. He sat with his phone in his hand and just as I noticed, my phone vibrated. I pulled it out, half hoping it would be Sus or Martin. It was an unknown number with the message "Are you having fun?" I looked up and he smiled at me. I half-smiled at him, pocketed the phone, took Malene by the arm and dragged her off to the toilet.
I told her what was going on, about the guy who had kept staring at him. All she said was "Is he cute?". I almost freaked out because I have no idea how to handle this situation. I am not even remotely interested and I don't have the sexuality to even pursue it! I told her that I wasn't interested at all but I have no idea how to handle it.
See, diary, I am having difficulties keeping you up to date. This entry was made the 25th and it is now the 28th and I am still not done explaining what happened! Please be patient with me, dear diary.
What happened next was.. interesting to me. I was walking back and forth in the toilet, just muttering to myself, trying to get all my thoughts straight. Suddenly I felt Malene come up behind me, push me against the wall, turn me around and kiss me, once again, deeply right on the lips. She didn't break the kiss right away as before, but I just enjoyed it, I must admit. I felt something wet against my cheek and broke the kiss. She whispered to herself "Four" and half-smiled. She was crying, I noticed. I asked her what was wrong, she said something I will remember to this day. I tend to try to be "perfect" in a way - know everything, always stay calm, see everything from more than one perspective. It's just the way I was brought up and I think that is why I am popular because I seem to have everything going as I want it to .. if only they knew. But Malene stated that she knew that a kiss would leave me silent, which I needed but also that she was scared because this was the first time she had seen me actually freaking out. I brought her in for a tight hug but didn't know what to say. She held around me and sniffed in. We both felt a bit sobered up. Then I said: "Let's just take every minute as it comes and stop thinking too far ahead". She nodded and smiled. I could never get tired of that smile. I began thinking about how much Malene have changed and all it "took", was for her to start running, to hang out more with me and Sus disappearing. I think she might have felt that she needed to step up to replace Sus .. which is both a scary and good thought. We still haven't heard from Sus. Maybe she agreed to what Martin proposed, maybe they are breaking up, maybe they have gone for a walk.. no one knew. I was going to be ready when she needed me, that is what mattered at the moment. Malene and I went out, after another hug, to get another couple of drinks. They were still just handing them out, but as I watched them mix it, I noticed they did half and half. I told Malene this and she didn't seem to care. "Gets you drunker faster" she said with a wink while gulping the drink down. I couldn't argue against that. We found a table to sit at while I constantly looked at the door, hoping for Sus to come in.
As time went and the drinks were emptied, I saw the weird guy once again look at me. He was sitting at the bar with a beer in his hand. He was pretending to talk to someone but most of the guys up there were with their backs to him, pretty much just ignoring him. I then saw him pick up his phone and then I just thought "No no no. What to do?" I looked at Malene, who was just sitting there with a half smile on, trying to figure out how to sit on her chair without falling down. I helped her to sit up properly, she thanked me with a smile that left me a bit weak in the knees - why am I such a sucker for smiles?! - but it resulted in her leaning against me, giggling like a lunatic. I held around her as I felt my phone vibrate. Malene felt it too, grabbed the phone and looked at it. "It's him, let's give him a show for it - maybe that'll get him to back off". I didn't know what she meant before she started kissing me, again. I just leaned into it and enjoyed it, her soft lips and all that. Just thinking about it makes my lips tingle. She put her hand on my breast as well and squeezed. I blushed, but didn't mind - the liquor was controlling me and I didn't mind. I just leaned into it. Malene later told me she had winked to him and he had left the room in a hurry. We broke the kiss and I almost couldn't sit on my chair now. I also noticed that mostly everyone at the bar was having a good stare. I smiled at them, red in my face. Malene smiled and said "Five, had enough now?". I didn't know what to answer to that, sadly. I want it to continue but .. to her, it's most likely just fun. Am I having a crush on Malene? I don't know, everything is all too confusing - especially when you can't think properly with booze. I just smiled and that was answer enough to her, as she smiled back with a grin. I never checked what he had written on the phone, now that I think about it. Aaaand now I just deleted the message. Hopefully I won't hear anything from him.
After that .. make out session, I felt very hot so we went outside. I think Malene knew what was the reason as I heard her giggling from behind me. We came outside and saw Sus standing with Martin out on the street. I waved to her, but she didn't notice me. Malene said that she looked alright and happy, so maybe we should just go home - I agreed with her, the booze was getting me sleepy. I yelled to Sus that we were going home and she just waved. Hopefully she is okay. At home, we just crashed right away in my bed. I woke up with Malene cuddling me once again.
Nothing interesting have been happening in the last week. I haven't heard from Sus, but I suppose her tutoring have started. I had somehow hoped that her parents would see what the hell they were doing to their child, but apparently not. I started writing on the letter, about what happened at the party as she went away, that we went looking for her, called Martin etc., but also about that we were considering trying to ally with the school and the county about what her parents were doing. I wanted to tell it to her at the party, but she was just too absent minded.. she must have a lot going in her head, Martin, her parents, her social life going down the drain. Poor girl. I sent the letter today (29/03-2010) and hopefully it will go directly to her. She will be the only one home in the morning, except the tutor, so that is what I am hoping for.
Malene and I hung out in the weekend, with her sleeping at my place. We were running a lot of the day, because she is really really into loosing some weight. I admire her, I must admit. She has proven to keep pushing herself, both socially but also by exercising. 7 days a week, with 3 hours a day in the weekend. I was, admittedly, very tired after the weekend.
This concludes this entry. It is now 29/03-2010 13:47. Time to go running with Malene.
It is really easy to tell others how to live their lives, so that is what I am going to do. These are essential guidelines that have helped me throughout my life and hopefully will make you feel better and more accomplished about yourself and your life.
ONE
Develop your own identity. There is nothing more uninteresting than talking to a person, who is an exact replica of the current fashion going around. You will seem shallow and just plain out boring. Believe it or not, but it is really easy to develop your own identity. Just be yourself and do what YOU feel is comfortable. Do not say or do anything you do not wish to. Wear clothes you want to wear and not what everyone else want you to. Eventually, you will become a more rounded person, with personality! If you are still at a loss how to do this, then I will suggest a few things:
- Listen to some different kind of music, than you normally would. Believe it or not, but a lot of people take music for granted and just listen to what is on the radio and what is cool and hip. Music is very important, mainly because it can shape you as a person but also because it can really get to you, both emotionally but also as a motivational factor. I write while listening to music, I enjoy listening to. Words just come easier that way. Change the channel from MTV to another music channel that specializes in alternative music, maybe check out all the free internet radios online or go to a concert with an unknown band down at the local bar or cafe, ask a close friend to a music talk. You might be surprised, just how much music suddenly means to you and how much it changed your view on life. Music is truly a lifestyle.
- Go down to the local library. Yes, they do exist. Go to the craft/hobby section and just scan it through. Anything you find interesting, you pick up and read a bit in it. If it sounds absolutely fantastic, then lend it or read it while at the library. Start doing these hobbies, which will occupy both your time and your mind, plus it makes you more confident in yourself and your skills.
- The most important bit is very simple, but very hard to follow: Be yourself. I know I described it earlier, but it is really the most important bit about finding yourself. If you truly need more clarification than that, I will give a few examples. The group of friends you usually hang around with wants to go to McDonalds to eat. You tell them, that you rather feel like having sandwiches at Subway or maybe want to be more classy and go to a café. Congratulations, you just uttered your opinion and you became just a bit closer to being a more refined person. Amazing. Never be afraid of saying YOUR opinion. You will feel a lot more comfortable saying that, than having to constantly think about what THEY want to hear you say.
TWO
Do not overuse heavy words like "love". Love is a big word that, for a lot of people, causes a huge emotional reaction. It is also a word that has caused a lot of conflicts, ended friendships, relationships and a lot of misunderstanding. Why? Because it is often used in a wrong context or understood in a completely different way. Not many people understand what exactly it implies, means or the word's intention in the current situation, too. Let's whip out good old Wikipedia to explain the sentimentals of it:
Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.
My personal opinion is that, you should never really use "love" to or for a person until you are absolutely positive that you have such an emotional attachment and feeling towards them. It is perfectly fine to say you love a certain kind of food, item or other things, however. A lot of other words are also implied in this.
THREE
Keep a box for your memories. I do not mean literally, just the objects that give you memories, good or bad. Nothing is so bad that it is not good for something. Believe it or not, but your memories will often shape who you are, so you should truly embrace them instead of trying to forget or ignore them. Putting them in a box means that you have moved past it and can now continue on with your life. As an example, my box contains cards from my ex-girlfriend as well as some items from my father, who has passed away. There is no point letting such objects and items get to you in your normal day.
FOUR
Take chances. There is nothing worse than looking back at "what could have been", if you had just taken that chance or done something differently. This advice is also an extension of the first one, as you should always do something you want to do, not what others wants to. Obviously, taking a chance can have a risk or consequences but, personally, I believe it is better to have taken a chance, as it gives you a sort of a feeling of accomplishment. Beware, certain chances should not be taken - so it is up to your own judgement. Quotes are always amazing:
"Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure."
FIVE
Tell people what you feel, before it's too late. I do not mean to be a mood killer, but there is nothing worse than having a lot on your chest you want to tell someone, and suddenly he/she is gone. Maybe passed away, moved away or generally just disappeared out of your life. You will suddenly sit there with a lot of unsaid things, that might have patched up a strained relationship, created another type of friendship/relationship or set them in their rightful place. If you are not comfortable doing this in person, then write it to them. Maybe your feelings are also easier to write down on paper.
SIX
Exercise. No matter how stupid it sounds, you will always feel better after having exercised. It's about chemicals your brain releases, so you cannot really supplement it. The most important thing is to find a motivation for you to exercise or maybe just find something, you enjoy doing. Motivational factors are many and they are sometimes hard to come by, but they are often what will keep you going, when the couch looks sexier than the bike or the running shoes. Motivation can be that maybe you just want to look more fit, maybe you want to impress someone, challenge yourself, be healthy or other things. To find the sport is as easy as looking at yourself. If you are really competitive person, join up for some team-based game where you play in a league. Hate teams? Go to table tennis, tennis, badminton among other things. Like being by yourself? Grab a MP3 player and just run/bike out into the nature. Like structured exercise? Join the local fitness center and make yourself a program. You do not need to have a goal for exercising, as it - in itself - gives you an amazing feeling - but some people will feel an ever greater accomplishment. Set a goal if you need to, but just enjoy the journey there, else you will not feel like continuing.
SEVEN
Keep a tidy life. A lot of frustration and concentration issues can often be traced back to how you live. Look around you at your home/room/desk. Is there trash, unsorted papers? Does it look unorganized and is it just killing you? Would you feel comfortable letting a close friend in, while it looked like this? It does not take a long time to clean up and make a place look great, plus it takes minimal effort to keep everything clean, as long as you take your time with things and not just throw them away from you at the closest, most convenient place. When everything is sorted, you will feel great and have room, both in your thoughts, but also in your home. Then you can start sorting out everything. Make use of post-its, to-do lists and calendars in order to organize yourself further. Believe me, when you have done this, you can start thinking about what really matters. Remember to do, what you write down on your to-do list. Reduce distractions, especially if you plan on being productive and creative. I know it is great to have something "going" in the background while you do your work, homework or other important things, but it is a huge distraction, if there is a visual aspect to it - so turn off that TV, among other things. Put on some music, preferably something you want to listen to (So turn off the radio) and just let it flow. If you are one to get sucked into the lyrics, then go for something instrumental instead. With all of this, you will find that your thoughts flow a lot better.
I have more I want to write, but it will just be an endless list. Take it, for what it is. Hopefully it will make you think a bit and maybe help you out, in your life.
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