Dear Diary – Chapter 24
2/09-2010 22:27
Dear diary,
I am so sorry about having neglected you. There's just been so much on my plate. Looking back at my latest post, you have probably been wondering what happened. Well, it's been a long holiday and it's, unfortunately, been full of a longing for a certain someone. Malene, as you know, went on a long trip after our week of fun. Before she left we.. how do I say this best.. we had sex. We fucked. We did the vertical lesbian dance. It was amazing, everything that I had thought it would to be. It felt so natural and smooth and slick and I just fell even more in love with Malene. We cuddled, snuggled, hugged, kissed afterwards but I had no idea what to believe. Did she like me? Did she just do it to try something new? As you know, she had to leave a few days after. We parted with a big kiss and a huge hug and I have not been able to get a hold of her until recently because of her being in a different country.
So the entire holiday was unbearable. I'd constantly think about her and be nervous about what would happen. I didn't have anything to do other than to hang out with my parents, who took us for a couple of weekend long holidays around in the country. Nothing too interesting, but it kept my mind occupied. I tried to build up the courage to ask her what was going on, but a part of me just wanted to see where this is going rather than have certainty and stability in what is going on. I've idly been texting a few friends every now and then, asking them about what one should do if I have a crush on someone. Everybody told me to confront them, but I never told them who, despite them asking constantly. They just want some gossip, so I just wrote "You'll know eventually 
". I also went to a few parties I got invited to, but never really got into it since I usually drank with Malene. Felt a bit odd, but I got very drunk and danced a lot. It felt great, just letting go and do whatever the hell you want to. I figured that's how life should be lived, yet it only really happens when I get drunk. When I'm not, I just become a shut in again and not really talk to anyone about anything other than normal girl talk. I think the gossip about me liking someone had gotten the boys to kind of back off a little bit, probably hoping that they might be the one. Heh, just look at that, I have a lot of self confidence.
I met Susan's mother the other day. She said hi, but I couldn't get myself to say a word to her. I felt disgusted by her very presence and just stared at her until she went away. I relived everything in my mind and I just can't help imagining what Sus would think about me dating Malene. Or about me liking girls. Maybe she'd be jealous? Maybe she would hate me. Maybe she'd not care. I like to think that she was one of the good girls but I can't help but feel that she was very close-minded, probably because of her parents and the way they raised her. But I miss her. I miss her a lot. Not a day goes by without me thinking about her.. and Malene. Fuck, I miss those two girls.
Miss, you might ask? Yes, Malene is still gone. It is early September, school started 3 weeks ago and she isn't back yet. I have no idea where she is, I haven't received any letters, phone calls or text messages and I walk by their house every day to see if they are home. I keep trying to think if she dropped any messages saying she'd be gone for longer. I even asked the teachers and they have no idea either. I'm not too worried, for some reason, but I just miss that pretty girl. Her smile.
I don't really have anyone to talk to at school now a days, so I've just been talking to whoever have approached me. A couple of guys have moved to the table next to me in school, so I've been chatting away with them. They've mostly been trying to annoy me, because apparently that's why guys do if they are interested in one, but I've just been keeping them at bay - talking without really saying anything. They've been texting me, too - just casual stuff like "Want to hang out?" or "Want to go to this party?". I think I just might.
Good night, diary.
Choices, Future, Present – What Now?
Time for one of those blog updates that are all about ME! Yeah, I know, I know but I don't enjoy writing these either. It is merely for me to understand what the hell is going on, getting it off my shoulders and be able to look at it from another perspective a bit.
I can't exactly go unemployed forever and since there is pretty much nothing available to a guy with my education, I need to move in a different direction. I have always wanted to educate myself more but have been unable to because of money and other circumstances.
I have always been someone who never know what he wanted to do with life. I know what I enjoy and that is about it. Sadly, most of those things I can't really do as a job - unless I get one of those "once in a thousand" jobs. So I just decided to study what I love and then take the job bridge when I get to it.
I have always played with the idea of going to the university, but lacked the means and personal freedom to do it - but I just wrote down what things I'd love to study. The list was shorter than I thought it would be, but one thing just stuck out from everything else: English.
I've always loved languages, especially Danish and English - but have also loved English literature and their culture (to an extend) - so it felt like a bit of a natural choice. Happy and fulfilled that I have finally found something I thought I might like, I researched it a bit and decided to send an application right away, since a good friend told me I still had a few days to apply in.
Alas, the rejection came mere 2 days later. I had missed one point that said I needed another language at the highest level (Here in Denmark, we have a system. A is the highest "level" you can learn, while F is the lowest). That is, I need Danish at A, English at A and another language at A. I researched it a bit further and realized that every field in the "Humanitarian" group (Pretty much just languages, cultures and such) requires this. I shook my head because there was no logic in this at all, especially since English is pretty much every Dane's secondary language. Why would I need to know a third language at such a high level to learn more about English?
I sent a complaint about this decision and got a rapid response back. Obviously, they won't budge - but they told me that it was the government that changed this in 2008. Great, if I had just applied back fucking then, I would be so happy. I am told that I am welcome to apply once I fulfill these criterion.
After this, I started to look for other educations but have been unable to find anything that really interests me. The only other thing is what is called "Writer's School", but they only take in 8 people a year out of about 250-500 applicants.
I am still quite interested in taking English and since I have Spanish at a C, I will only need to study Spanish at B and A. But it is only select schools in this country that teach this and even fewer that teach a language from the ground up to A - so my hands are a bit tied on that matter. To add to the fact, if I want to learn this in under a year, I will have to move to Copenhagen - which is certainly not an easy or cheap city in live in and I will have absolutely no job or cash flow. If I want to do Spanish B and A in 2 years, I can go to Aalborg, a city where most of my friends live, but I think that 2 years it too long to wait. Incidentally, before I thought about education, I had also thought about just moving to Aalborg and get a job up there until I figure out what I want or until I find a job I actually like.
So right now, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck to do. I also have the faint thought, in the back of my head, that I might not be able to learn Spanish and that I will fail, future adding to the failure of this whole situation. It's only a tiny voice and, I figured, is most likely without reason - since I will have plenty of time to practice and get better. Another small thing is that I practically forgotten everything Spanish, except the grammar and sentence syntaxes, so I'd have to teach myself this somehow quickly.
I will have to figure something out quickly, else I will have bypassed the deadline for the extra Spanish classes.
Dammit.
