Choices, Future, Present – What Now?
Time for one of those blog updates that are all about ME! Yeah, I know, I know but I don't enjoy writing these either. It is merely for me to understand what the hell is going on, getting it off my shoulders and be able to look at it from another perspective a bit.
I can't exactly go unemployed forever and since there is pretty much nothing available to a guy with my education, I need to move in a different direction. I have always wanted to educate myself more but have been unable to because of money and other circumstances.
I have always been someone who never know what he wanted to do with life. I know what I enjoy and that is about it. Sadly, most of those things I can't really do as a job - unless I get one of those "once in a thousand" jobs. So I just decided to study what I love and then take the job bridge when I get to it.
I have always played with the idea of going to the university, but lacked the means and personal freedom to do it - but I just wrote down what things I'd love to study. The list was shorter than I thought it would be, but one thing just stuck out from everything else: English.
I've always loved languages, especially Danish and English - but have also loved English literature and their culture (to an extend) - so it felt like a bit of a natural choice. Happy and fulfilled that I have finally found something I thought I might like, I researched it a bit and decided to send an application right away, since a good friend told me I still had a few days to apply in.
Alas, the rejection came mere 2 days later. I had missed one point that said I needed another language at the highest level (Here in Denmark, we have a system. A is the highest "level" you can learn, while F is the lowest). That is, I need Danish at A, English at A and another language at A. I researched it a bit further and realized that every field in the "Humanitarian" group (Pretty much just languages, cultures and such) requires this. I shook my head because there was no logic in this at all, especially since English is pretty much every Dane's secondary language. Why would I need to know a third language at such a high level to learn more about English?
I sent a complaint about this decision and got a rapid response back. Obviously, they won't budge - but they told me that it was the government that changed this in 2008. Great, if I had just applied back fucking then, I would be so happy. I am told that I am welcome to apply once I fulfill these criterion.
After this, I started to look for other educations but have been unable to find anything that really interests me. The only other thing is what is called "Writer's School", but they only take in 8 people a year out of about 250-500 applicants.
I am still quite interested in taking English and since I have Spanish at a C, I will only need to study Spanish at B and A. But it is only select schools in this country that teach this and even fewer that teach a language from the ground up to A - so my hands are a bit tied on that matter. To add to the fact, if I want to learn this in under a year, I will have to move to Copenhagen - which is certainly not an easy or cheap city in live in and I will have absolutely no job or cash flow. If I want to do Spanish B and A in 2 years, I can go to Aalborg, a city where most of my friends live, but I think that 2 years it too long to wait. Incidentally, before I thought about education, I had also thought about just moving to Aalborg and get a job up there until I figure out what I want or until I find a job I actually like.
So right now, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck to do. I also have the faint thought, in the back of my head, that I might not be able to learn Spanish and that I will fail, future adding to the failure of this whole situation. It's only a tiny voice and, I figured, is most likely without reason - since I will have plenty of time to practice and get better. Another small thing is that I practically forgotten everything Spanish, except the grammar and sentence syntaxes, so I'd have to teach myself this somehow quickly.
I will have to figure something out quickly, else I will have bypassed the deadline for the extra Spanish classes.
Dammit.
Without a Purpose – “futureless”
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t."
Such are the lyrics to Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). I have often taken refuge in this text because I, quite frankly, do not know what I want to do with my life. I know what I enjoy; but I also know that, what I enjoy, I cannot build a career on, without being extremely skilled, extremely charismatic or get a once-in-a-lifetime job. When I share this to people, I am often surprised to hear that they don't enjoy their jobs or education either, but that they just suck it up. How can they do this? I don't understand how you can tolerate going to a job/education you hate, for many the rest of your life. People sure are doing their very best at breaking down - which kinds of shows a backwards culture. None of them never seem to have thought "Why should I do something I do not enjoy?" and just go on with their lives in misery, where the only reward for being bored and/or stressed out happens in the weekends. I enjoy educating myself, writing, general escape-from-realism things, such as gaming, reading, watching series and movies. I also found myself to be a very social person, which is quite ironic, since I am very shy. How can anyone get an career out of this?
I am a simple man. I enjoy simple things, so I do not find myself difficult. I am not making unrealistic demands to life - I am just attempting to get out of this "futureless" state I am stuck in. "What kind of funny word was that, young man?!" That word was used by someone very dear to me, who doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with such a person, so it has been grudging me a bit more, than it normally would. I am sure it is just a criteria for an ideal man, but I kind of want to increase my chance and not reduce it. How silly does that sound.
I, more often than I should, think about the future. I have some ideas of what I want, but nothing that can really end in a career I'd enjoy. I like studying, educating myself. Becoming smarter. I also enjoy writing, which means I am quite fond of languages, journalism and other things. But if I went into the university to study English, I would very much doubt there'd be a job for me. I even have no idea, what kind of job someone like that would be able to get. Besides that, I truly want to see the world and I love helping people, so maybe just volunteering in certain international programs, but as far as I can understand, there are an overflood of people who want to help out and "see the world" plus I apparently have to pay for most of it myself, which I don't have the money for. That leaves out just traveling with myself or perhaps a friend, but that also costs some big green dollar bills I currently do not possess.
"But what about your current educations?!". Yeah, sure. I got a HHX (Higher Business Education) as well as an IT-supporter I just completed. The first one, I felt, was a waste of time. I do not want to be anything inside of sales or marketing, despite how much it pays. I will not enjoy it and I will begin to hate customers (as I started to do in my previous job), which is entirely not their fault but just the circumstances that makes me an angry t-rex. The IT-supporter was meant as a foundation, a safe-keep you could say. That was before I am in the situation I am in, now. Back then, I kind of knew I'd want to educate myself more, but because I had a girlfriend who also wanted to do it, it would have been smartest for me to get a job with my IT-supporter education, so she could get started on enjoying her own life. Alas, I no longer need to think about that. Now I got the education but due to the work situation here in Denmark, I am having huge difficulties getting a job.