Creative Outlet - a blog full of stories and personal musings

Dear Diary – Chapter 14

18/04-2010 06:35

Dear diary,

I just returned from the hospital after a rather eventful evening. I better start where I left you off. I have been trying to get a hold of Sus but have, so far, been unlucky. The letter thing have been nagging me a lot and I was constantly nervous. I almost jumped last time I heard my phone ring, I am that nervous about this. Malene tried to calm me and keep my head focused on what's going on instead of what might have happened. I invited her around for the planned "birthday party" I was having this weekend - but obviously she'd be there. She always is. It makes me feel warm and smiley just thinking about it. I assure her, constantly, that I am there for her too - so maybe I have found someone who is sticking around through thin and thick. Friday, right after school, we went shopping and just sat at a café, enjoying the amazing weather spring have given us. There have been a lot of talk about the big cloud of sulfur coming towards us, which have closed down all the airports in the country. I spent quite a bit of my birthday money on some new running shoes, because I have pretty much worn mine down, as well as some outfits for the coming summer - bathing suit, shorts, t-shirts, bras, the works. Malene bought herself some refreshing summer outfits as well, which looks amazing on her - like a cold summer breeze on a warm summer day. I am so poetic. Anyway, as we were sitting at a café, relaxing our feet, I received a text message from Martin asking me about Sus. He had heard that her parents were out of town, again, and if she was with us. I said she wasn't, but that he should respond back if he sees her. Malene suggested calling to her house, which I did - but no answer. She should be done being home schooled, but she might have run for it as soon as she had the chance.

We went home to me and ordered some take out, as it was my birthday. Yummy food was to be had! After that my mother drove us to the cinema to watch Kick-Ass - which was amazing. You know, I never really like those romantic flicks or boring dramas - neither does Malene. Probably just the teenager speaking. Malene ended up sleeping here, which she pretty much does every weekend. She is like a roommate for weekends only. I love it. I have loosened up a lot around her, so I can walk around naked, without it bothering me at all and so can she - not that we do it but there is only one bathroom and not enough time in the world to take turns. Saturday was spent just cozying it. The weather went from great to dull in a night, so we just sat around, watching TV. I was writing rewriting the letter to the school on my computer and Malene helped me a bit with it. She had a tendency to lean her upper body against my head, which I loved. It's soft and warm .. but I can't explain why exactly it's nice. Eventually I received a text message.

Martin had written that there was going to be a party at his house and that Sus was with him. I smiled, because I was happy to at least hear from Sus. A compliment from Malene caught me off-guard "You should smile more often, it brightens the world.". I shrugged it off, but smiled to her and thanked her for the compliment and returned it. Malene obviously wanted to go to that party and I figured we didn't really have anything planned and it was a chance to talk to Sus. I wasn't going to drink, however, as I kind of wanted to discuss this letter to the school with her, so she can finally come out of this nightmare. She'll probably be drunk, though. Malene and I agree to show up as early as possible. Malene started drinking as we got dressed and put on a bit of make-up. I love how silly she gets, just blabbering away and how loving she gets, always trying to hug or cuddle you. Like a cute cat trying to get your attention. She was a bit buzzed as we left for Martin's house.

Party was, obviously, already going when we arrived. We went our round, saying hello to everyone and me mostly scouting for Sus. Martin came up to me and said that it probably wasn't for the best if we talked to Sus. I, a bit puzzled at this remark, asked why. He said he didn't know but that Sus had told him to tell me. She is really drunk, he finished and went back to a room. I assumed that's where she was hiding up. Malene had started the drinking and I really had no idea where to put myself, now that the one chance I had with Sus was gone. She is angry with me because of the letter, I just knew it. I decided to wait it out and maybe eventually approach her as she came out. I positioned myself near the room, Martin entered.

Several times, throughout the night, people came over to me and randomly handed me a drink, with a comment similar to "You are dangerously sober, here, take this". I handed it off to Malene when she came over to say hi and she happily took care of those drinks for me - thanking me with a big hug. I thought I heard some muffled noises from the room as well as some kissing sounds. I just assumed she might have passed out from the drinking but eventually I also heard moaning, both from a girl as well as a man. My interest was piqued - mainly because of the interest of what the hell is going on with Sus - but I didn't act on it. I told Malene when she came over again and she just started laughing manically, then went outside. I had no idea why. It was nearing 2 am before someone emerged from the room. It was Sus, lurking out from the darkness within. She looked like a mess, her hair was all over the place, her make up smudged, her top barely on her, obviously no bra. She went quickly for the toilet and I followed her, standing outside the door.

What happened next was the hardest moment in my life. After Sus came out, she spotted me and jumped right into me, slapping me right on the cheek. She was yelling but all I could hear was a constant ringing and felt tears rushing to my eyes. I was caught off-guard. As I regained the ability to hear, she was screaming about what I was thinking about, fucking her life over like that. That her parents knew everything and that she is now forced to live life quickly. I couldn't quite grasp what she meant but another slap sent me back into the wall, smacking my head hard against it - mainly because of the shock. She grabbed me by my top and shook me, her crying - me crying and without knowing what the hell was going on. My head kept banging against the wall. I decided to run for it, but the shaking had made my balance hell. I fell and I do not remember what happened right after, other than a lot of noise, a growing headache as well as a wet feeling erupting from my head. Faint images of being laid down on a moving bed, the interior of what looked like a box with 2 giants inside, trying to make sure I stay awake but sleeping was so tempting. Following the light I couldn't do, my eye lids were so heavy. I fell asleep.

I woke up, laying in a bed. I saw someone sitting next to me out of the corner of my eye but it hurt when I tried to turn my head but also that there was a physical hindrance. The room was spinning, my eyes were constantly out of focus. I felt without energy, I could barely lift my arms. Suddenly I heard the person talking. I am going to write out what I remember, because it matters: "I am 14 years old and my parents took away my life. They locked me up in my room and I was only allowed outside when we were to eat or be together as a family. My computer is gone. My mobile they took away. The only other person I see other than my parents is the private tutor, who is an old man set in his old ways with tight discipline. Every time I look at my parents, I am filled with disgust and hate. That is not a healthy way to look at your parents. My dad keeps preaching the value of Christ to me, how he forgives me even though I have sinned but I will always be a sinner in his eyes. My mother's vague nods while her tears flow as she watches from behind. I thought it was horrible. Then your letter came. They knew everything. The parties, how I sneaked out, Martin, drinking, talking to you. They really hate you, you know? Someone hating such a good hearted person like you, I couldn't believe it - but I was angry at you, but not because of you. Because of them, my parents. I wanted to destroy what beauty I have left in my life. The life I live one day a week. I moved way too fast for my comfort, fucked Martin right there while I was almost passed out drunk. He took my virginity with a grunt. I felt disgust, I felt .. like dying - getting the ultimate peace, you know? My parents say I am a lost cause. After tonight, after having fucked for my first time and after having destroyed the prettiest thing I know - I know I am lost. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me because I cannot."

I tried to speak but my mouth was so dry that my lips wouldn't even move, my head was heavy. I was crying. She wasn't. I could feel how she have given up and there is nothing I can do. She left the room.

I came home about 2 hours later. I was fully awake, I had suffered a bit of whiplash as well as hit my head pretty hard when I hit the floor. I had one of those protective neck casts on as well as a bandage covering my head. Looking at myself in the mirror, I looked like someone who had been in a boxing match. I told my mother a bit about what happened, what I could recall. I asked where Malene was and she said she was asleep in my room. I thanked her and gave her a gentle hug. I didn't think more about what Sus said, but I hope I can catch up to her today - sunday.. when I have had some sleep. I am now going to cuddle Malene because I really need it. She fell asleep with all her clothes on, so so will I.

Good morning, diary.