Creative Outlet - a blog full of stories and personal musings

3Jul/100

Dear Diary – Chapter 23

29/06-2010 20:17

Dear diary,

The summer vacation finally came, at long last, and with it, amazing weather. Blue sky, high temperatures, sun and everything that comes with it. Cafés, ice cream, shopping and everybody appears to be happy and smiling. My smiles have, sadly, been forced unless I am together with Malene. And today, our grand plan of fun started.

Friday, the last day of school, ended in a big party at a classmate's house. I didn't drink a lot but Malene was dead drunk, so I had to take her home. She copped a feel several times, mumbling something about "everybody is envious of your great body, ya know" and then that she was sorry. I don't mind it and I told her. She seemed glad by that. But other than that, it was a relatively eventless day/night. I noticed there was a lot of class mates who got together - lots of kissing and couples disappearing. I somewhat envied them but knew I had Malene and she had a way to kind of kill those "desires" to be with someone. I was told, by her, that a few guys were looking at me and had been asking about me. She had, jokingly, said that I was hers, which I giggled at and played a bit with the idea - but it just made them go for someone else to ask.  I do recall someone coming up to me, awkwardly, giving me a drink and asking me to dance. I said I don't really dance and then he went away. Oh well, can't blame a guy for trying! It was kind of cute how nervous he was and I couldn't help that he had no reason to be nervous. Worst thing he could get is a no, right?

Saturday and Sunday were relatively uneventful, as Malene was at home. No school meant no homework so I didn't know what to do other than watch TV.

Monday: Malene came with a huge bag full of clothes. She was practically moving in for the week! We started on our plan immediatly and after she had changed and showered, we headed out. The weather was amazing so we decided that we wanted to go to the beach instead. We started with the cinema trip first since we figured it'd be too hot on the beach. We didn't really want to watch anything that was currently going, so we just on a random movie. It turned out to be The A-Team. Boy movie! But it was fun. We were being girly girls, chatted, giggled and tossed popcorn at each other - we were the only ones in there, so we could get away with it!  At around 4, we arrived at the beach. People were slowly packing and going home, which meant we had most of the beach to us. We decided to just take in the sun, sunbathe, not care about anything and enjoy ourselves.

Eventually, we figured out that we were actually alone on the beach. Malene pointed out that it was a relatively secluded beach so no one would be able to see us. Not knowing why she would say that, I just gave her a puzzled look but I was about to get wiser. She smiled at me, then took the rest of her clothes off (only bra and underwear at this point) and ran into the water. She called to me to come over. I undressed, ran to her and jumped into the waves, next to her. It was quite warm, but she came over to me and wanted a hug. I hugged her, face to face and she gently kissed me. I was a bit shocked, but then kissed her back. We stopped and she just smiled at me. I love that damn smile. We kept playing around in the water until the sun had set and then my mother came and picked us up. We fell asleep right away.

30/06-2010 23:46

Tuesday: Woke up early and went to the shopping mall as it opened. Neither of us had a lot of money so we just went out to do something. It was a lot of fun. At around 4, we decided to go home after a quick visit to Blockbuster. We borrowed a couple of movies and Malene kept telling us to get a porno while giggling at the images at the back. We rented it but we never really got around to watching it. As we came back, it was still super hot outside and we both went for a shower together to remove the sweat. We didn't feel like getting dressed so we just popped on a big shirt, made popcorn and grabbed soda and began watching random movies. Malene fell asleep quickly, leaning against me. She is still asleep next to me as I write this. She is really cute and she must be dreaming something great as she is smiling.

Oh well, that's enough for me today. Good night.

01/07-2010 21:53

Wednesday: I didn't really look forward to today but Malene insisted. I haven't thought about her or being generally sad while Malene was here, so I kind of hoped that she could be a buffer in me getting a break down on Sus' grave. I wanted to push it as far back on the day as possible, while Malene wanted it to be straight away so we could talk about it afterwards, if necessary. She has turned out to be my therapist, it would seem. I, reluctantly, agreed with her and we went. Just as we approached the graveyard, I was in tears. I tried to hide it from Malene but she grabbed my hand and held it tight while forcing me ahead. I felt a bit foolish, but I just started talking to the grave and it brought me a bit of peace. Malene just sat quietly, with tears coming down her cheek. I pulled her over and hugged her and we cried a bit together. We both felt great afterwards.

We walked away, hand in hand, but neither of us felt like going to the planned football match. We just walked for a bit, with no destination, and then found a bench. Then Malene began to talk. She have held it in for a long time I will write it down as best as I can (Hooray for a great memory, but also because it struck me so hard): "Remember when I told you that it was tough for me to see the most stable person I know, fall so hard? It made me think. A lot. I promised I'd help you out to the best extend of what I can, because you are my best friend but it also made me realize just how quick life can end." she said this with a sob, I moved over to pull her in closer. "So I knew that I had to do what I want, while I still can. Just this week, ya know - I wanted to run into the ocean naked and I got my best friend to follow. I wanted to hug my best friend and I did... I.." she hesitated "wanted to kiss my best friend and I did. But nothing I have done yet, with you, was met with anger or anything." At this point, I kind of knew where the conversation was going but it never came to that. She plainly just asked me "What are we? What are we doing?". I responded with: "We are living life and doing what we want." I told her I could never get angry at her and she could do whatever she wants to do. She responded with a kiss. I noticed a few people looking and pointing, so we went home afterwards. I still feel the kiss on my lips.

She is a tired one, this girl. She fell asleep as we lay down on the bed. I had thought we needed to talk more, but I am glad we didn't have to. I am still not sure what she would think. On one side, I think she'd be okay with and .. we might start dating? I don't know. On another hand, the pessimistic one, I could lose her as a friend. I would have no one left who are close to me.

Good night, diary.

03/07-2010 19:56

Dear diary,

I feel .. tingly. Warm, with butterflies in my stomach, constantly sighing with relief and happiness. I feel like I am floating, I feel like I can conquer the world. I feel accepted, cared about and loved. I am constantly smiling. I simply cannot stop.

I feel happy.

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , , , No Comments
14Jun/100

Dear Diary – Chapter 22

13/06-2010 17:57

Dear diary,

I know I have been quiet lately but when there is only a few things on your mind which I have already written about. Sus's death is still on my mind, but I have no more tears. Just regret, really. School is being annoyingly slow and I can slowly see the summer vacation creep in on us and the amazing week with Malene. Occasionally, however, my entire sexuality "situation" kind of pops into my head, mostly because it is summer and girls are dressing in some quite.. interesting clothes. As a teenager, I can really feel their appearance "impress" me and "affect" me in certain ways. I don't know if I can say that less indirectly - but I haven't felt any desire to do anything after Sus, so I feel that it is kind of a step forward in coping of her loss. Yes, I get horny again and I look at all the hot summery girls and it gives me fantasies I wish I could fulfill. I think I might have been a bit too apparent in me looking at them, because Malene have started commenting on girls as they go by, mostly in a superficial way -- like "She looks great in that" or "She looks like a snob". I really wish I could tell her who I really am, but I suppose it doesn't really matter as long as she is my friend. Could just be great to, ya know, be accepted as who you are.

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , No Comments
19May/100

Dear Diary – Chapter 20

19/05-2010 21:20

Dear diary,

It's safe to say that I have been a mess lately. First the funeral, then the suicide letter - which just gave me more unanswered questions, then everybody just trying to forget about her and keep living life. Thankfully, school is over soon - so I don't have to be a mixed bag of emotions. Carry two faces and all of that.

I haven't shown this letter to anyone else just yet. I am unsure what to do against the rape. It sounds like it was consensual, in a way. Sus trying to reach out to him and the teacher taking it the wrong way. She probably did it, but regretted it afterwards. Should I take the letter to the police and make them do an investigation.. no, that might mean they have to dig up Sus and she is finally at peace now. No. The letter gives me an anger I have no idea where to direct. It doesn't give me any peace at all. Sus.. dammit.

I finally had the neck support removed, so I could finally start exercising again but I had no desire to do it. I didn't want to, simple as that. I told Malene this and she have been trying to get me to go with her, saying that if you can't do it for myself, then do it for her. Was just the words I needed to hear, plus it helps with distancing myself from everything for a bit. When out there, it's just her, me and the asphalt. The beautiful weather have simply taken our breaths away. The leaves came in quickly and it's now so green and beautiful out there in mother nature. Just thinking about it, makes me smile. Right now, the sun is setting in a masquerade of beautiful colours outside my window. The way it colours the clouds surrounding it is just amazing. There is no wind, so everything is just so peaceful..

Malene have been a bit blunt with me lately. She said she have been scared for the first time in a long time. She said that if the most stable person is so out of it, she doesn't know what to do with herself. She said that if she had to support me, she would - but that she isn't used to it. I loved her even more from that moment and I gave her a huge hug and began to cry. She didn't know what to do, I could feel it, but I assured her that she is doing everything right. She smiled at that. Her smile can really cheer people up. It's good to know that I still have Malene, now that my other best friend is gone.

Malene, sadly, said that she had to go traveling most of the summer so she will only be home like one week. She assured me that we'll make the best of it. I believed her and I will now look forward to it. She have cheered me up and made me forget things for a little while.

I think I will show Sus' suicide letter to my mom.

But good night, diary. I am glad to share all of this with you. I feel a lot better now.

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , , , No Comments
13Apr/100

Dear Diary – Chapter 13

13/04-2010 17:36

Dear diary,

I apologize about the long delay - things have been busy and then not really. The easter vacation was spent at my grandmothers where I aaaaaaaate so much! It was a traditional Danish easter lunch which I love - had a few drinks as well, but I mostly drank sodas. She lives far away so it was pretty much the entire Easter gone right there, even though we only stayed around for one day. While there, I kind of scribbled down what I wanted to write to the school, just in case that Sus did respond with a big yes. I asked my mother about it, who said it sounded great and that she was positive that this will be for the best for Sus. I wrote the rest on the way back home and was hoping for a letter back from Sus - but nothing. My mind went into a bit of a paranoid mode there, thinking what would happen if the parents got a hold of the letter first. I had pretty much just outed her to them, saying she have been outside the house, at a party and that we intend to go against their decision. I started hating myself a bit but forced myself not to think too much into it - it was tough.

My birthday was the 4th of April, which means I am now 15! Yay! In Denmark, that means it is now legal for me to.. have sex. One more year and I can buy booze. The day was spent eating (Easter) - where I also received a few gifts. Nothing interesting, just money and some gift cards for some shops. I was contemplating trying to have a party - just to try it out but I decided against it. I just don't know enough about it and I won't have the space for it. It's still too cold outside. I was thinking about maybe having Malene and Sus over - even her parents won't have the heart to deny her to attend a good friend's birthday party. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

The short week, in school, went with pretty much nothing. The sun have finally come out after a very dark winter and we pretty much embraced it. When Malene and I went running, we just stopped and enjoyed it. We went a different route than normal and just talked instead of running. It's been a good 2 months since she started running and it is really visible on her. Not just from the change in her personality but also physically. I complimented her on it and she agreed and said she felt a lot better than she have ever done. I told her that I was thinking about having a party, but just for a few people like her and Sus. She turned it around and said we could have a birthday weekend. Just us girls, maybe some drinks, shopping, trips to the cinema and such. I liked the idea, but I wouldn't be able to do it this weekend, because I promised my mother to help her out at home with some spring cleaning. She nodded. Rest of the week was pretty much the same, nothing worth writing about.

I thought a bit about Sus and the fact I still haven't received a letter - so today I tried calling their house and hopefully get a hold of Sus instead of her parents. Didn't work, I got a hold of her mother who I asked if I could talk to Sus. She hung up. I think it is pretty certain that they have read my letter.

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , No Comments
19Mar/103

Dear Diary – Chapter 9

19/03-2010 02:28

Dear diary,

Well, this week I have been unable to sleep much at all. Wake up at weird hours, with my thoughts racing all over. I had a headache from thinking too much today, mainly because I kind of still felt a bit awkward about what happened yesterday with Malene. She didn't seem to care at all, she even seemed happier and more open to me. It was great. Glad that I was worried for nothing. She said she was achy from yesterday but felt very refreshed, she even dressed a bit different, more colorful. It's like she is reborn. I asked her on it and she just said she felt like it. I said I liked it, she smiled, I smiled back. Thanked me and gave me a hug. She also told me not to think about yesterday's "embarrassment", as she put it. I blushed a bit, thinking back on it.

My plan to tell her have kind of gone awry, mainly because she was changing so fast, just because she opened up a bit and we started running. I was happy for her, of course.

Dear diary,

It would seem I fell asleep in the middle of updating you. I apologize for that but will now continue my tale from yesterday.

Malene was being magnificent, she even was active in class, answering questions and contributing to the discussion. As I said, reborn. I even saw that some of the guys left their eyes on her a bit longer, but that might just be me. I pulled her to the side and asked how it was going with Martin and she just shrugged it off and said the same thing as before; she is over it. No one on her radar. I told her that I had noticed the guys looking a bit more and she smiled and said she felt it, too.

I haven't heard from Sus at all. She doesn't really have her phone or anything. I am thinking about writing her a letter, just so she can keep up to date. I doubt she got any kind of internet access at all, so that is probably the best bet. Unless her parents stops the letter before it reaches Sus. I have been thinking, and talking a bit with my mother about it, that it might be a good idea to tell the school what is going on. Maybe they can set things in motion, like contact the parents and show them, that what they are doing, is wrong. My mother said it was wishful thinking - they might just be watched by the county, but since they aren't violent against her, there is hardly any proof that she is being held against her own will.

I have started writing on the letter to Sus, but was interrupted in the middle because of the anger that started to grow in me, the resentment against her parents. I then started writing another letter, to the school, about what is going on. I just need it written down, to get it out of my system. I will tell Sus about it in the letter, so I could hear from her, if it's a good idea or not.

Time to go running with Malene again. Yesterday went well, we didn't chat as much but mostly focused on pushing ourselves. This time around, we hung out at my place and instead of her getting semi-naked, I did, while changing clothes. It kind of balanced the awkwardness a bit and made me feel better. I think she felt better about it, too. We ran at a steady speed and she only asked me for a pause once. I know she was pushing herself a lot, but it was amazing to look at. She is really determined to go all the way with this.

Goodbye diary, for now.

Tagged as: , , , , , , 3 Comments
16Mar/100

Dear Diary – Chapter 5

16/03-2010 18:32

Dear diary,

Sus wasn't at school today, which seems strange because she have never had the guts to ditch school. Maybe her new boyfriend finally gave her the "courage" that such a feat would take. She haven't responded to any text messages either and she isn't online on facebook or messenger. I am not worrying, it is just so very unlike her. I am sure that she got a good reason, however.

I hung out with Malene today. After yesterday, she feels a bit more social than before. It might be the sun and spring coming, but it is really suiting her. I really like her, when she is like this. She kept me from not thinking too much about Sus absence. As we left school, she asked me if I could help her and asked me to go to her place. She was alone at home and we sat in her room for a bit, just chatting. I told her about Sus and Martin and she said that, that was probably the reason she wasn't at school today. Kissing and making out and all that. I could feel that we were both inexperienced in that matter, but we just hung out. Then as I had completely forgotten that she wanted my help with something, she blurts it out. She wants to loose weight and have noticed that I keep my body in good shape. I blushed and thanked her for the compliment. In a silly moment, I strut my ass out at her and she giggled. It was cute, plus it gave me more time with that smile. I asked her to come join me for my daily run around town. She said she would, if I would promise to go gentle on her. She then said she didn't really have any training clothes short of some shorts, which it is just too cold for. So we went downtown and found her a few cheap pants, t-shirts and sweatshirts. I said it might be a good idea for her to get some proper shoes as well, it truly makes a big difference. I must have sounded like a sales person, because she was a bit hesitant to take me up on that. She might try and ask her mother for some, though.

We played a bit more around, as girls do. After I left, I wondered if I should pop by Sus to see what is going on. I decided against it and walked home. Here I am, ready to hit the shower after my run. Tomorrow I am going to take Malene running for the first time - she probably isn't in very good shape but I shall be gentle, as I promised.

Goodbye for now, diary.

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , No Comments
   

Stories

Blogroll

Categories

Twitter Feed