Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings


Not the Same

I must admit, when I met her, I thought she was a bit too energetic. Thousands of projects constantly, not much time to much and you'd almost have to schedule to get just an hour of her time. Maybe that was also what dragged me to her, that impassible mountain that needed to be conquered. I hate to think of it like that, but while the hunt was a chore, the price was worth the entirety of the world to me.

I finally caught her, somehow made her realize that she couldn't live without me. It went fast, I felt like I was a project of hers and it felt amazing. Suddenly, five years had gone by and we were still having as much fun. Every day was like the first date with your best friend you know everything about. Her company was so fun, despite not really doing anything. Just sitting, watching TV, reading, chatting was so exciting, so interesting. I went on a business trip and 14 days away from her, made me realize I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl so I went home, got on one knee and then we got married. She had some tricks up her sleeve because she grew more beautiful to me every day, more exciting and thrilling by the hour. 5 years went past, we had seen the world together and nothing had changed. It was amazing, she still went into her little own world with her projects but proudly showed it to me when done. Sometimes she would be "gone" for days, just spending time around her little thing and emerging succesfully, every time, with something that she can sell somehow. Right after, I would be her project for a good 14 days until she found or started researching something else. It amazed me and I did not mind it one bit. Just seeing her work was exciting.

I often thought she might be different than others, she was a logical thinker and said what came to mind. So did I, communication was top notch at our place and I never raised my voice to her at any time in my life. So easy going, so easy to please, smiling at the small things in life, like I did. She was a normal, healthy person with a great interest in her hobbies and her work. Inventor, entrepreneur, wife. We had briefly discussed having kids but neither of us really felt the desire for it so it just slid away.

Nothing had changed, until one day. I have thought it over so much, tried to pick everything apart but nothing comes to mind. I just felt her change, just like that. Like the earth had moved beneath me. It might just be me making up stuff, believe me, I have thought of that.

She became completely disinterested. Not like she completely changed personality, I could still see her down there. The responses were right, it was just the way she acted upon them that was wrong. She still did everything like normal, burying herself in projects, taking care of me, but it was all changed. Somehow changed. It wasn't just a mood either, it was a constant thing. Communication became hard, there was no possibility for much back and forth. It was just question, answer, question, answer. No life, no essence, no personality. I thought she was growing tired of me, growing tired of me silly nonsense, my stupid quesitons, my innuendo filled speech, my rude jokes. I asked her. I asked her many times if anything was wrong. Everything was alright, though. She couldn't complain about anything. Why was I asking? Maybe she hadn't noticed her own change either. Maybe everything was OK and I was just imagining things. Maybe something was wrong with me.

I tried to go through the days, acting normal, doing what I would normally do. It was testing my sanity. I swore that something had changed, but all I could do was sit and look at it, mouth open, no one to ask about advice or if something had changed. Nothing had changed, according to her, but it was all wrong. She was all wrong.

I became obsessed with finding the right question to this problem. I felt that she would want to tell me, but she just didn't know how to. I obsessively looked for that question to end all of this, so I can get out of this madness that is slowly starting in my brain. I wish I could have said it was just a gradual change, but it was immediate. Like she jumped from platform a to platform b. She was an open book, answering anything as she would normally but she wasn't the girl I had fallen in love with anymore, she wasn't the girl I wanted to live the rest of my life with. This person in her place had taken her away from me, I was sure of it. I had lost that which I held most dear and I do not know how to get it back, even though it was right there, in front of me. Not finding the right question, though, I tried to distance myself and just live, ignore it, focus on the next day. Every now and then, I would try looking for the question, the question to open up a series of other questions. It became so bad I began to write down what I had tried.

But then, she killed herself.

Her suicide note didn't say anything else but "I'm sorry". It was such a kick in the stomach, to lose your last means to get back what you wanted the most in the entire world. I looked at that suicide note for days, trying to figure out what, why, when, how. It was a simple piece of paper, her loving, caring typography scrawling out those two words. There were no hidden messages to it. Nothing. My wife was gone.

Feverishly, manically, I started searching for clues. Took out everything, every shelf, every drawer, everything was examined 3 times, looking for everything, anything. All her projects, her patents, her documentation, everything was turned. I saw hidden messages everywhere, but none that made sense. I started looking for meanings in old memories, which made me bawl my eyes out.

All I found was the wallpaper on her computer. The picture was last modified a few hours before her death.

A picture of both of us, holding hands. She had, patiently, professionally, painted a heart around us and written, "I love you".

Why did she have to change.

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