Creative Outlet – a blog full of stories and personal musings


Dear Diary – Chapter 25


Dear Diary,

Imagine my surprise when I stumble upon you when cleaning out my computer. An entire folder full of various documents with blasts from the past.. well, more like sad memories, really. So, I thought, why not start this thing again now that my future is closing in. I am soon done with what could best be described as high school and will soon move out and into a dorm room. At least, that is the plan so far, I still haven't received any letters of acceptance so I don't know a whole lot yet. Plus, I still have my exams coming up.

I am now 16. Turned it not long ago and it means that I can buy booze now. But as I am rummaging through these documents, I've figured that I might as well sum up what the hell have happened since September 2010.  8 months have gone by and what has changed, what hasn't and what will change? I don't really know what exactly to write but let's start:

Malene finally called me. She was crying. Crying a lot and I could barely understand what she was saying. I was crying as well and that didn't really help anything but what I did gather was that the vacation was a disguise for moving to a completely other country. Her parents thought that this would be the best way, by giving her a great experience, then breaking the news to her. Apparently both her parents had found jobs in the hotel business in the southern parts of Spain. She haven't been able to call yet as she couldn't really understand the language and her parents tried to keep her away from making any sort of connection to Denmark to avoid it being tougher on her. Of course it didn't work and Malene finally broke down in front of her parents, said she "loved" me, wasn't happy in Spain and that she at least felt that she had to explain what the hell was going on to me. Her parents could see that their plan hadn't worked out and had really just made everything worse.

Over the course of several phone calls, most likely very expensive on her side, we tried to figure out if there was any kind of alternative and we went from being rational to being completely unrealistic, such as asking my mother to adopt her or become her legal guardian. The legal guardian bit made the most sense and my parents was even in contact with Malene's to see if it could work out. She obviously wasn't happy in Spain and there wasn't long until we (meaning me and Malene) would have to move into dorms to attend college. It made a whole lot of sense and it almost happened. Almost.
It didn't make sense in the long run, because of money. Her parents would have to send back money every month for her to live for. My mother made the suggestion that she could just as easily live here and that we'd gladly pay for food to her, all that'd matter was clothes and other necessities. She'd have a home and wouldn't starve every night. But, as soon as we'd get out into the dorms, it'd get harder. Suddenly she'd have to pay rent as well. Even if she'd get a part time job, it might not be enough. It was too big a risk to take, Malene's parents felt.

But, over the course of the last 6 months, my parents have softened up her parents and Malene is coming to live here. In my room, until we move into dorms. I am a smiling face and I have been since I heard that this is actually happening and that everything is okay. My parents made me understand that they are going to be spending money on her so she can have the life she wants and that she is doing Malene a huge favour. It sounded a bit.. selfish, but I knew they were right. I had asked them to see if they could do something and they have come through but at what costs? They say I might be too young to see the consequences and effects this might have. Malene's parents would still send as much as they could to pay for it all and they said they'd do their best to visit, but I knew they wouldn't be able to. Malene have said that she rarely saw them and it's just been her, all alone, in the apartment they've rented. I couldn't grasp just how boring that'd be, be in a country where you couldn't understand the language and no parental supervision.

She also said that she have stopped exercising and pretty much gained a lot of weight. I felt bad for her but told her that I was there for her, no matter what. One tends to eat a lot if bored, she have said and I tried to make her find some hobbies. She started out with writing but stopped when she felt that she couldn't properly write down what she wanted to say. What she had written down wasn't what she had thought she'd write down, she said. I knew the feeling. She tried drawing and she made some fantastic pieces she'd sent me that I still have hanging on the wall. But it was a stationary thing and worked really well with eating at the same time.. she was blunt, I got to give her that. She didn't hide anything in fear that I'd not like it, like I'd do. I respected her for that and even envied her.

After the phone calls, she started just writing to me, once a month. Totaling 6 so far. As she said, her writing isn't the best but it is full of emotion and it left me weak in my knees every time I read them and a tear or a thousand usually came out. I know what people say that a teenager can't love anyone or doesn't know what love is but holy hell, I have some feelings for Malene. The distance haven't helped a whole lot.

Having said that and looking forward to the future, I regret the next things I have to write. Remember when I said that guys have shown me a bit of interest, asked me to hang out and parties and what not? Well, I pretty much started getting drunk every weekend. I acted like every teenager shown in the media. I didn't have any direction other than to get blazed out of my mind for no reason. My grades started to suffer but I didn't really care. Some of my classmates, the guys obviously, started to get very touchy feely with me when I was drunk and out of it. I didn't mind at the time but the day after, I just couldn't stand the thought of it. But I didn't stop and it got worse. I didn't really know who or what I was so I just went with the flow. Some guy have been very .. friendly with me, making sure I was constantly drinking and around him. He pretty much controlled me and I let him. It was Thomas. He tried to kiss me but I never let it happen, at least I wasn't that gone. He was just being a creep, yet he was the company I needed to stay sane.

He constantly held parties and constantly advanced on me. People considered us a couple, I heard, and apparently Thomas thought so as well. I'd constantly get text messages from him, calling me babe, darling, etc. and I just moved with it. I just didn't have the heart or the brain to fight him off and to realize what was happening. Thinking back, I suppose I did it to avoid thinking about Malene and generally fitting in life. I hated being all thought and nothing else and just letting loose helped a bit. Eventually, I have had enough of drinking. When just the sheer thought of getting drunk made you sick to your stomach, you had to stop. But I didn't stop going to the parties. Thomas hated that I didn't drink any more because I wouldn't allow him to get close to me, but I had developed a friendship to his friends and especially his mother.. oh, his mother.

He held every party at his house and usually while his mother is home. She wouldn't allow parties without her supervision and she never really did much but sit in the kitchen while we were getting drunk, playing Guitar Hero, drinking games and what not. She was like a mother to some of us, because she helped us when we got too smashed out of our face to do even the simplest things. After I stopped drinking, I realized just how boring it was to be sober amongst drunks. Instead, I sneaked out to talk to Thomas' mother, Helene. She was young of spirit, which was why her husband had left her, she had said. Talking to her, felt like talking to an equal of same age but she did compliment me with saying that I sounded older than I was. She mostly focused her life on giving Thomas' the best life she could, because she hadn't been so lucky. She worked a lot and spent most on him. I could feel she needed to talk, especially to an equal about everything and nothing so I just let her and listened. Over the course of a few weeks, we were like best friends.

Thomas had figured out that he couldn't poison me any more and stopped inviting me to parties at his place but his mother kept inviting me around and if asked by Thomas, she just said that we're are having our own little party. It felt nice, not having to drink to be social and accepted around someone. Sometimes, we'd go for a drive to get some food, come back and just eat and chat. I didn't want things to change but they did change, when I felt that I could share everything with her. I shared that I had lost Malene, my first girlfriend. She wasn't sure what to say at first but then said she thought I was straight because I've dated Thomas. I said what Thomas have been doing to me, which she didn't like one bit. She promised to not move on it because I didn't want to be a tattle tale. It felt good to share my deepest secrets, but little did I know that she, too, shared my enjoyment for girls.

I had slowly started drinking again with her and one time when we were both buzzed, she suddenly stood up and sat on my lap and started kissing me. She was an attractive woman, in her 30s but looked like she was early 20s and I had to admit I have been feeling a bit for her. The booze did most of it, we tongue kissed, groped, squeezed, sucked without it getting too erotic. Suddenly, Thomas walked in and saw what was going on. In hindsight, we probably could have locked the door or moved elsewhere but we didn't and we were suddenly caught in the act. Everything ran through my head. If he told everyone I was a lesbian, I'd be finished in school and I would die from humiliation. I blushed and blushed and nearly started crying when Helene stood up, pulled him inside and said calmly "If you say anything, I will hold everything you have done to my dear friend here against you and I will tell your father about it as well."

Since then, Thomas have not been able to look at me but I did resume .. dating Helene. It was quite interesting, I have to say, to date someone older than you, with own economy, car etc. is quite .. interesting to say the least. She took me on dates, to the cinema, out to eat good food and then we'd make out, sometimes even in public. I was blushing hard when we did this, but she enjoyed it very much and said it turned her on. I didn't mind much after that.

We dated for about 2 months before ever doing anything sexual. I was a bit confused at this because my loins certainly wanted it. She was a sexual and sensual bomb to me, just being with her made me desire her in any way but I think she knew this and enjoyed teasing me. She finally said that she haven't been with anyone for a long time and she often thought about my age. I kept telling her that if I don't mind, then she shouldn't either. But it ended. It ended heart and I just had no idea what to do with myself. We were still good friends, hung out together but nothing happened. I tried to get her drunk again, but she knew what I was trying to do and stopped me. She was the voice of reason and I just didn't want it to be over. It had put my mind off Malene, Thomas and everything. My grades were finally up again, I enjoyed life but I knew she was correct. It could never have been us two.

Having her with me, even though we weren't dating any more, helped immensely. I finally had a best friend again and even though we had different kind of problems in live, we helped each other out. I still yearn for her and sometimes I try to go for the kiss. She sometimes returns it, sometimes not. I am a silly girl.

Not long after, I was finally told that Malene is coming home and staying with me until school starts.

I am happy. : - )

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