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Dear Diary – Chapter 27

Dear diary,
Malene finally broke down and just splurted it all out there. About time, my patience was really getting tested and when I saw no improvements from her - I just gave up. The exams went fine, with an underline under fine. Nothing exceptional, but I just wanted it over with. Malene managed as well. After a few drinks at a party and while walking home, she opened up and said what was on her mind and it wasn't just a few things.
She said she liked me but she had to admit she isn't into girls like that. It was all an experiment to her. I was hurt, really hurt as I had hoped there was someone like me out there. She had also fallen for a guy before she had to leave but was scared to act on it when she was with me. She already felt she had betrayed me enough by pretending to be into me like that. She like(d) Thomas - even after I told her what he had done to me. I quite honestly didn't know what to make of that but at least she is finally true to herself and can stop carrying around all that baggage on her shoulders. With her living me, I kind of had to figure out how to get away from her a bit so I just went on longer and longer runs. She haven't wanted to start with it so it was a perfect time to just be alone with my shitty thoughts. I still like -- well, love? -- Malene but there is nothing there, she'd said so herself. No matter what, I will still be her friend and I can only compliment her on opening up and staying true to herself and saying me as it is than keep me in the dark. Probably a bit passive aggressive but fuck it, I need this friendship to work - feelings or not. We had our fun, if only it had lasted for longer - and I will have to be around her for the entire summer, and soon, as a roommate in college.

But I can't help but feel resentful against her, as she pretty much admitted everything she did or said was fake .. or rather experimental. She certainly enjoyed it during, so maybe she is just having not sure about anything at the moment - heck, her entire world was just turned upside down. But just looking at her or talking to me makes me angry, sad, unsure and every now and then I just want to lean over and kiss those lips. Maybe she just wants that? But she'd probably tell me if it is..
I don't eat a lot anymore, which my mother have noticed. It's really been tearing at me but I didn't tell my mother what was going on, just told her it was me being nervous about a new school and living alone.
And now all I want to do is jump on Malene sexually. Fucking hormones.
Till next time.

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